Whispered Strength Prologue and Chapter 1

Wow, this totally gripped me! I noticed some grammatical errors, but as previous reviewers pointed those out I won't take the time. I really really LOVE this! I love the relationship between her father and her, and her mom's terrible cooking made me laugh. I especially loved the scene where Adeera and her dad "loved" the mom's cooking! Hehe

Personally, I think you could have described the character's appearance a bit more. Right now I can't really "see" what anybody looks like. Oh, and when Adeera and and Ethrel collided a boy caught her basket...that kinda threw me off. It was rather amusing, but just kinda random.

Anyway, I'm definitely gonna read the rest of this!

Here to review as requested!

PHASE 1: THE NITPICK

Red = Corrections
Blue = Things I like
Green = Telling, not showing
Bold = Comments

Adeera wrote:Prologue


”HIS When I first read this I thought that you were putting emphasis on "him" and I was slightly confused. Once I got to chapter 1 I realized that you were doing it to look like some books have their chapters, but being on something so simple as YWS, I think it's more distracting than anything. I'd take away the capital letters. name will be Gareth," said the father of a baby boy who had just been born. This doesn't tell us that there's a baby there. All it's saying is that his baby was just born. Change it to something like, "said a man, cradling his newborn baby." Unless the mother is holding the child. But you don't really tell us who is.

"Dear?" asked the exhausted mother. "What is wrong with his eyes? A baby’s eyes are supposed to be blue, aren't they?" She sounded concerned as she looked at the glowing orange that peaked through the tiny eyelids.

Her short tempered husband replied He replied, then he said, all to the same sentence. Take one out. Better yet, remove the whole sentence before he speaks; it's unnecessary and contributing nothing. "Not this boy," he said, sounding rather annoyed. "He is special—the color of his eyes will prove it." He said this like he was angry that she was to dumb to know this. This is awkward phrasing, and it isn't clear what you're trying to say.

The tone of his voice said that she should quit talking or he would get angry You just used the word, "angry." Change it up. Also, wasn't he already angry? , but she wasn't scared to ask him any questions;she had learned long ago, when her father sold her to this man to marry, that he could yell all he wanted but he would never hurt her. In fact, there had been more than one occasion when he had risked his life for her. "She must never be harmed," the old wizard Um... who's the old wizard? You just kind of pop him in, and it's a little confusing to the reader. (Or at least me.) I don't really know the circumstances, but was the mother there when the old wizard told him this? Because we are in er POV, so we only know as much as she does, theoretically. And if she was there, waas she told only that and not why she must never be harmed? Or had she eavesdropped, in which case you would say something like, "she had heard the old wizard tell her husand," or something. had told her husband, "or all that you have planned for will fail." He had, of course, gotten angry with her before, but she knew that deep down inside he loved her.

However, she always wondered what would happen if she did get hurt, or even died? How would this effect the whole plan that he had been preparing for almost ten years? Was she really so important that she, and only she, could get in the way of his taking over the entire land of Horeback? Oo... cliffhanger. This is good; it had me wanting more. I thought that they were the good guys, seeing as it's her POV, but now I'm wondering just who they are. One thing about this bothers me, though. How could she get in the way if she were dead? Wouldn't that elimate any chance of her getting in the way?





Chapter 1
Adeera


IT Again, unnecessary and distracting. would be twenty years before the great wars of Horeback, when five children where born 1. We don't know about the wars, so I find it unnecessary to tell us this. 2. It's unclear whether the children were born during the wars, or now. In fact, I think that you can just take out this whole first paragraph. We don't need to know names so early on, and it is simple enough to have one of your characters address her by name to clue us in on her name. Her parents names are also not needed. , and I was among those five. My name is Adeera, the only daughter of Ormond and Eve. We live in a cottage just off the town of Taef in the land of Horeback.

*My father works in the town armory, repairing and mending weapons used both in battle and training. Since I was able to hold a stick, my father has taught me swordsman ship and archery. My specialty is with a sword; lately I have even been a small challenge towards my father.* Info dumping. As we get farther along I'll show you where you can subtly insert this crucial info in a natural way that flows with the story.

During the day, my mother usually sends me into town for a few things. So I get on my powerful, black horse, Florin, and ride the one mile into the busy and crowded town square. Since this is the new start--if you listen to my advice, that is--then you need to reword this. Something like, "The strong muscles of my black horse, Florin, flexed under me as I rode to the town Taef, which was a mile's distance from the cottage I lived at with my parents. As usual, my mother sent me to get a few things from the local market. Trivial bartering, idle chatter, and warm greetings could be heard as I entered the crowded town square." Okay, I know that's a bad example and I'm sure you could come up with something tons better, but something like that would work nicely.

I tied Florin to a hitching post next to the market place and walked up to a large wagon filled to the top with all kinds of vegetables and fruits. I began to choose This is fairly awkward phrasing. Turning it into something like "was choosing," or something like that would help. a tomato when a girl about my age walked up to the wagon. By habit, I said "Good morning," not really looking up.

"And to you," she said back.

There was a silence as we chose our vegetables. When I finished paying for my goods, I said good-bye to the girl and walked through a small pile of colored leaves towards the butcher shop, which was the only place I hated more than the swamp half a mile from my house. Jarem, come help this customer! Jarem, come help this customer!

I stopped outside the door, sighed, and rolled my eyes. “Just go in and get it over with,” I said to myself. Then I threw a silent fit, stomped my foot, and sighed again. I forced "Forcing" myself to go past the threshold, stepping "I stepped" into the smelly building with Something like "which contained" might work better, I think. dead animals that made my stomach turn as they hung from the ceiling. I started looking for the meat my mother wanted as fast as I could—I wanted to get out of there before the owner's son, Jarem....

"JAREM, COME HELP THIS CUSTOMER!" Caps in a novel is almost always tacky. Take it away, and if you still don't think there's enough emphasis put on it, italicize. I heard Mr. Werten call up the stairs that led to what I assumed to be the house portion of the building. Oh no, I thought as I closed my eyes in dread. Sure enough, down the stairs came the short, awkward sixteen-year old boy with sandy brown hair who never stayed in one place and was always either tripping on his own feet or his own words. In fact, he came down in such a rush that everything he had in his arms fell to the ground when he missed the bottom step. He quickly picked them all up only to drop them again when he saw me standing there looking at him. This isn't really that big of a deal, but aren't tall, lanky people usually tripping over their feet, not short people? I don't know, it's probably not that big of a deal. Just something I thought of.

"Adeera!" he said, voice cracking.. "W-what are you doing here...? N-not that that’s a trouble—I mean,-insert space here-problem—it’s just that I didn't expect to be, I mean, see you today..."
The whole town knew that Jarem had always had what you could call a liking for me, and that is what annoyed me so much about this boy. He never stopped talking!

When he saw me looking out the window impatiently, he said, "Wait...you're here to get something right?" I breathed through my nose, looked at the ceiling, and grunted.

"Yes, I am here to buy something, thank you. I have a list." He may annoy her, but right now she seems rather rude. I mean, most people at least try to appear calm and cheery and all that jazz, even if inside they are picturing snapping that person's neck. And maybe that's what you're trying to tell us, but it's not really working. If you want her to seem nicer, take the italicization off of the "yes." That's what's making her seem mean.

I handed it to him, and he took it eagerly, saying, "You’re welcome!" as if he had just saved someone’s life and yet was still humble as can be. This confused me. If he's humble, then he wouldn't have an exclamation mark, because if he's being humble than he would say it quietly, maybe looking down and mumbling it.

It took ten minutes to accomplish what would have taken me only three if it hadn't been Jarem that ‘helped’ me.

As I was walking to where I had tied Florin, either I wasn't looking where I was going, or she wasn't, but somehow I collided hard with a girl about my age Already we're assuming it's the girl from before. Couldn't you use something else to describe her, perhaps what she was carrying, if anything? . Being a fairly tough person and used to, out of lack of a better way to put it, sudden ‘attacks’ after all the training my father had given me (and my feet), I thought quickly; my right leg caught me before I even came near the ground, whereas the other girl fell to the dirt walk-way with a small gasp. This sentence is a bit run-on-y. Shorten it, separate it, and it will be easier to read. Her basket went flying through the air and landed on a boy that was passing by, who, luckily, grabbed it before it fell to the ground. He looked at it with surprise and confusion then looked up as if he half expected it to rain.

I helped the girl to her feet and the boy handed her the basket with a smile and a wave, then went about his business.

"I'm so sorry!" the girl said with slight distress in her voice. I realized it was the same girl I encountered at the vegetable wagon earlier that day. Now that I saw her, I noticed she had long, dark red curly hair that flowed over her shoulders, eyes the color of pine needles, and that she spoke with a thick accent. Her face was thin, as was her tall body; she wore a simple dark purple dress and a belt that matched her simple leather shoes.

I helped her pick up her things that had fallen out of the basket, all the while listening to her apologize and telling her I was fine.

"It’s alright," I told her. "I'm not hurt. In fact, I'm more worried about y...." I cut myself short and froze, my hand inches from the onion she had just beaten me to and noticed that she had a ring on her finger.

She straightened and put the onion in her basket, then paused, looking at me still squatting on the ground with my arms resting on my knees and my brow wrinkled in thought.
-insert blank line here-
"Are you alright?" she asked. When I didn't answer, she tapped my shoulder. I snapped out of my thoughts, looked at her, then stood.

"May I see your ring?" I asked her. "It looks a lot like the one I have." She looked at me with confusion, then shrugged her shoulders and pulled it off her finger. I took it and examined it. The rim was a tarnished gold; the diamond inside was purple with a touch of gray to it. On it's side, there was one letter—the letter A. Wow, this sounds like an expensive ring. Would she really so easily hand it to a stranger would could easily run off with it?

"I have a ring that's about the same," I said as I handed it back to her.

"That’s nice," she said as she slipped it back on her finger. "Who are you?" she asked. Why is it that Adeera's response is shock and curiosity, yet all Ethrell says is "That's nice"?

"Oh, sorry—my name's Adeera."

"I'm Ethrell."

"It’s nice to meet you." I said, remembering the lessons mother taught me since I was little.

"It’s nice to meet you, too."

We talked for a little while What did they talk about? Because the answer not only shows us a little about their personalities, but also makes the scene more realistic. Also, if gives them a reason why they're glad they ran into each other. ; I remembered why I had come into town in the first place.

“I have to go."

"Alright, good-bye," she called back to me as I walked away. "I'm glad I ran into you!" she said with a laugh.

"So am I!" She went from being rudely annoyed to being perky and upbeat. Make sure to keep the overall nmood consistent. Yes, moods can change quickly, but be careful to make it realistic. We waved, and she melted into the rest of the busy market. I then "Then I" untied Florin and rode home. This seems a bit abrupt. Maybe say something like "After getting the last couple things that Mother asked for, I untied Florin and rode home.


When I got there, it was the heat of the day, and the smell of food was wafting from the open windows. Mother was always cooking something. By now father and myself would both be very fat except for our saving grace which was this: This is slightly awkward reading. Making sentences small and clear is far better than long, windy, vague, and confusing. Because oftentimes you don't get one without the other in writing. mother could not cook. She would try, and every once in a while she would make something wonderful, but most often the meat would be overcooked or the soup would be over spiced, but we got a few laughs out of it, and we where happy.

I finished with my chores outside and then walked inside to see what could be done to help with lunch. As I walked in the kitchen I heard the familiar sounds of a wooden spoon knocking against a kettle and mother cursing under her breath.

“Everything alright?” I asked.

She sighed before she answered “Oh, I dropped a cup in the stew.”

I laughed through my nose as I watched her pull the once lost cup from the thick soup.

Looking at the cup with distaste she asked “Could you bring me some lettuce from the garden?”

“Mm-hm” I said as I turned and left the house again. I didn't mind; I loved the outside, mainly because I could do so much more out there than I could in-take away space-side. It didn't matter the weather if I was in the sun, moon or clouds, when I was inside I felt claustrophobic and useless. I never felt that way outside; outside I could do anything!

Once the stew was ready and the dishes on the table, mom sent me to the door to see if dad was home from working at the town armory. Is this enough to describe his work, in general? Plus, it's subtle, and more or less unnoticeable, which is always a plus when slipping info to the reader. . She didn't bring the lettuce in. Actions like sending her out are good, but make sure you give a conclusion to the actions. He was leading his large bay, named Dawn, into the coral. He noticed me and called me over to him.

“Yes?” I said as he rested on the fence post.

“Are you needed here anymore?”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Well, I was hoping you could come with me to the armory.”

“Why now?”

“Well, after lunch.”

“I'd love to, but I'm not the one that needs convincing.”

He paused for a moment, then leaned in closer to me and whispered, “What did she make today?”

“What?” I asked.

“Food. What did she make?” he said in a low tone.

I laughed as a grin spread across his face. “Your so mean!” I said jokingly and lightly punched him in the shoulder.

“I'm just teasing.” he said as we walked toward the house.

Once we where seated and eating the slightly black stew, father looked at me and nodded, giving me the cue to ask mother if I could go with him. I had no intention of doing so. Mother was in the kitchen getting some bread, and I did not want to be the one to ask her.

“No, you do it!” I said in a barely audible tone. I didn't want her to hear us.

“Your the one that wants to go!” he whispered back, pointing at me.

“Your the one that thought of it.” I said pushing his finger back at him.

“But you are her daughter.” he said with a look of triumph.

“You're her husband. She can't kill you!” He opened his mouth to say something, but Mother came in with the bread, and he stopped.

“What?” she asked suspiciously, realizing that we where both looking at her expectantly. We went back to our soup quickly. She looked at us for a second more, then shook her head and sat down.

“How is it?” she asked hopefully.

“Good,” Father answered, nodding his head.

“Really?!” she asked.

“Yes!” I said a little bit to enthusiastically. “Very good.”

She heard the falsetto tone and her eyes narrowed. “Tell the truth.”

“Honest, it's wonderful.” She turned to Father as he said it, and he stopped mid-chew.

“It is-really-good.” he said slowly, hoping she would stop glaring.

There was silence, then finally Mother's face softened as she bit her lip and said “Really?”

“Mm-hm” I said, nodding my head as father took another bite. Everyone relaxed, and after a moment I turned to father. “How is the armory?”

Realizing the hint, he gave in to our argument. “Alright. Jack hurt his hand on a sword this morning so I'm short a pair of hands. I guess I could manage without any help.”

At this point, mother's spoon was resting on her bowl as she nodded in a way that said, “I knew it.” She then looked up at father with an expression of concern, “Is Jack alright? I mean, he is your first apprentice; do you think there is anything we could do for him?”

Seizing the moment, Father answered, “No, I think he will be fine. I could use some help toda--”

“No,” Mother cut him off.

“Why not!?” I asked.

“Because, you both know I don't like you being over there. Your suppose to be learning how to cook and take care of a home, not sharpen men's war tools!”

“But I can do all that anyway; you taught me how. Now i want to learn more than just that!”

“And she's good at it,” Father interjected.

“No,” she said back.

“Eve, I need her help. Jack is a klutz; he can't handle anything sharp without getting hurt, much less clean or repair a sword.”

“The one and only answer is no.” She then stood up, gathered our dishes, and left the room. Father followed her and I could hear her saying no one more time as they argued before my own thoughts crowded my head,

I could sneak out with father and just face her when I got back; no that wouldn't work father would never do anything behind her back... I could try to get on her good side; no I don't have enough time for that...maybe I...

I wasn't able to finish my thoughts before Mother and Father came back in the room. Father looked happy, but that didn't compare to how happy Mother looked.

When she saw me staring, she straightened her face and said in a serious tone, “Alright you may go, and so long as your chores are done, I don't care how often you go so long as your father is with you.”

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. How did he do it? I thought.

“Thank you mother!” I jumped from my chair and hugged her. Father started to laugh silently.

“What is it?” I asked him.

“What? Oh nothing; I'm just glad you can go.”

“So am I!” I said excitedly.

“Yes, well, if you don't hurry up you won't get to go,” he said back.

“Oh right.” and I left to get my things.



Finally we where on our way. As the horses walked on in the rhythmic side-to-side motion, I asked, “How did you do it? I mean it only took you a few seconds to convince her; what did you say?”

“I just told her how much I needed your help.”

“Are you sure that's all you said?” I asked.

“Well,” he replied, “I also told her I needed your help teaching a young man, who just came here, the ropes of the place while I worked, but I don't think he will be a problem he's pretty smart and....”

I couldn't believe how stupid I was. In all my excitement I didn't even think how easily mother gave in. She was always hoping I would meet somebody and settle down. And it's not that I didn't want to, I would certainly marry if the right person came along at the right time, but when mother started to match-make for me it got on my nerves.

“What?! You expect me to 'show' this kid around? No, wait. You expect me to marry him, don't you? I can't believe I didn't see this coming; you set me up!”

“Oh calm down, it wasn't my idea!”

“Oh sure it wasn't.”

“No really, it wasn't. I told your mother exactly what I just told you, and she morphed it into something completely different than what I said.”

“What?”

“Honest, she started asking me what he looked like, and where he was from and all kinds of odd questions about him. She even asked me what his hands look like, for Pete's sake. It wasn't my idea!”

“Wonderful.” I sighed. By this time we had stopped the horses, so I nudged Florin on ward. “So, if this wasn't your idea then, are you going to help me elude this kid?”

“No,” he said plainly.

“What?” I half yelled. Don't you think she's being a little over dramatic?

“Think about it. If Eve thinks you have something for this young man, you could come with me to the armory whenever you want.” I realized what he was talking about; if this worked I could be his next apprentice and mother wouldn't care about it. I could continue my lessons with father and mother wouldn't mind. I bit my lip in thought before answering.

“Alright, I guess it's not a bad idea. This does not leave the house.”

“Fine with me.” He said, “Now lets speed up a little.”

“One more question.”

He looked at me, “Yes?”

“What's his name?”

Father smiled. “Paradagun I hope he has a nickname, otherwise you'll have fun writing that over and over. .” He urged Dawn into a lope.

Helpful (I hope) ideas to overcome problems when writing.

I liked it Adeera ! It was very good.I especially liked the part

"...that Jarem had always had what you could call a liking for me"

ok so i did a lot of editing and i do think it looks better thank you big bunches!!!

Hi Adeera!! This is sionarama in a more in-depth comment!
Alright, lets get started!
Prolouge:
Nice descriptions, but as kr1117 said, you don't need to describe the baby right off the bat... its kinda thrown at the reader.
and what does it have to do with Adeera? Gareth.... her father? I don't know but it'd be nice to find out...
Story: oooh! Nice setting, and characters.. though I can't help to think that they're a little, you know, common. The dad likes the Armory and works... the mom wants her daughter to get married and cooks/knits. The girl doesn't want to get married but work in the Armory with the father...
That doesn't really matter though! Through this, the characters, I bet, will really fan out!!! I love the style you write with. Very informative, and very classy. AMAZING WORK!
As I said earlier... Adeera you have caught my attention!!!!!!!!!
CHOW FOR NOW,
sionarama

hey thank! that should be really helpful. haha yeah I'm really bad a punctuation, this should make it easier .




YAAY!!! i fixed it!! woot. ok what do you think now?

pick it to death people goodness know i need it

Ooops, sorry! I forget to mention that I liked where this was going. It really interested me to keep reading more of it. Bravo! (:

Hello Adeera! I am here to review today! I don't have any intention on hurting your feelings!(:
Red- Corrections
Blue- Comments
Pink- Highliting
Green- Take out

Adeera wrote:Prologue


”HIS name will be Gareth," said the father of a baby boy. who had just been born with jet black hair and orange eyes.You don't need to describe the baby in the first sentence. Next, you could say, The newborn's orange eyes glowed against his black hair. Maybe something like that. (:

"Dear?" asked the exhausted mother, "What is wrong with his eyes? A baby’s eyes are supposed to be blue, aren't they?" She sounded concerned as she asked the question of her short tempered husband.

"Not this boy," he said, sounding rather annoyed, "He is special—the color of his eyes will prove it." He said this like he was angry that she was so dumb to know this.

The tone in his voice said that she should quit talking or he would get angry, but she wasn't scared to ask him any questions—she had learned long ago, when her father gave her to this man to marry, that he could yell all he wanted to at her but he would never hurt her. In fact, there had been more than one occasion when he had risked his life for her. "She must never be harmed," the old wizard had told her husband, "or all that you have planned for will fail." He had, of course, gotten angry with her before, but she knew that deep down inside he loved her.

However, she always wondered what would happen if she did get hurt, or even died? How would this effect the whole plan that he had been preparing for almost ten years? Was she really so important that she, and only she, could get in the way of his taking over the entire land of Horeback?



Chapter 1
Adeera


IT would be twenty years before the great wars of Horeback, when five children where born, and I was among those five. My name is Adeera, the only daughter of Ormond and Eve. We live in a cottage just off the town of Taef in the land of Horeback. Our house is small but well kept.

My father works in the town armory, repairing and mending weapons used both in battle and training. Since I was able to hold a stick, my father has taught me swordsman ship and archery. My specialty is with a sword, and that’s what I'm best at; lately I have been a small challenge towards my father.
Ormond (my father) is a rather funny man. with brown hair, mother Eve has dark blond hair and is more on the serious side
I am between the height of both of them with brown eyes and dark brown hair.This seems like a run-on. Try rewording like, My father is dark haired, but not black while my mother has a brighter color of dirty blond. I am in the middle of them, not one or the other. Not the best example, but I think I make my point. (:

During the day, my mother usually sends me into town for a few things. So I get on my powerful, black horse, Florin, and ride the one mile into the busy and crowded town square.

I tied Florin to a hitching post next to the market place and walked up to a large wagon filled to the top with all kinds of vegetables and fruits. I began to choose a tomato when a girl about my age walked up to the wagon. By habit, I said "good morning," not really looking up.

"And to you," she said back.

There was a silence as we chose our vegetables. When I finished paying for my goods, I said good-bye to the girl and walked through a small pile of colored leaves towards the butcher shop. The only place I hated more than the swamp half a mile from my house.

I stopped outside the door, sighed, and rolled my eyes. “Just go in and get it over with,” I said to myself. Then I threw a silent fit, stomped my foot and sighed again. I forced myself to go past the threshold, stepping into the smelly building with dead ducks, chickens, and other animals that made my stomach turn hanging from the ceiling in one corner of the room. Again, this seems like another run-on.I started looking for the meat my mother wanted as fast as I could—I wanted to get out of there before the owner's son Jarem....

"JAREM COME HELP THIS CUSTOMER!" I heard Mr. Werten call up the stairs that led to what I assumed to be the house portion of the building. Oh no, I thought as I closed my eyes in dread. Sure enough, down the stairs came the short, awkward sixteen-year old boy with sandy brown hair that never stayed in one place and was always either tripping on his own feet or his own words. In fact, he came down in such a rush that everything he had in his arms fell to the ground when he missed the bottom step. He quickly picked them all up only to drop them again when he saw me standing there looking at him.

"Adeera!" he said—his voice cracked. "W-what are you doing here...? N-not that that’s a trouble—I mean,problem—it’s just that I didn't expect to be, I mean, see you today..."
The whole town knew that Jarem had always had what you could call a liking for me, and that is what annoyed me so much about this boy. He never stopped talking!

When he saw me looking out the window impatiently he said, "Wait...you're here to get something right?" I breathed through my nose, looked at the ceiling, and grunted.

"Yes, I am here to buy something, thank you. I have a list."

I handed it to him and he took it eagerly, saying, "You’re welcome!" as if he had just saved someone’s life and yet was still humble as can be.

It took ten minutes to accomplish what would have taken me only three if it hadn't been Jarem that ‘helped’ me.

As I was walking to where I had tied Florin, either I wasn't looking where I was going or she wasn't, but somehow I collided hard with a girl about my age. I, being a fairly tough person and use to, out of lack of a better way to put it, sudden ‘attacks’ after all the training my father had given me (and my feet) thought quickly; my right leg caught me before I even came near the ground, whereas the other girl fell to the dirt walk-way with a small gasp. Her basket went flying through the air and landed on a boy that was passing by, who luckily grabbed it before it fell to the ground. He looked at it with surprise and confusion then looked up as if he half expected it to rain.

I helped the girl to her feet and the boy handed her the basket with a smile and a wave, then went about his business.

"I'm so sorry!" the girl said with slight distress in her voice. I realized it was the same girl I encountered at the vegetable wagon earlier that day. Now that I saw her, I noticed she had long, dark red curly hair that flowed over her shoulders, eyes the color of pine needles, and spoke with a thick accent. Her face was thin as was her tall body; she wore a simple dark purple dress and a belt that matched her simple leather shoes.

I helped her pick up her things that had fallen out of the basket, all the while listening to her apologize, telling her I was fine.

"It’s alright," I told her. "I'm not hurt. In fact, I'm more worried about y...." I cut myself short and froze, my hand inches from the onion she had just beaten me to and noticed that she had on her finger a ring.

She straightened and put the onion in her basket, then paused, looking at me still squatting on the ground with my arms resting on my knees and my brow wrinkled in thought.
"Are you alright?" she asked. When I didn't answer, she tapped my shoulder. I snapped out of my thoughts, looking at her, then stood.

"May I see your ring?" I asked her. "It looks a lot like the one I have." She looked at me with confusion, then shrugged her shoulders and pulled it off her finger. I took it and examined it. The rim was a tarnished gold; the diamond inside was purple with a touch of gray to it. On it's side, there was one letter—the letter A.

"I have a ring that's about the same," I said as I handed it back to her.

"That’s nice," she said as she slipped it back on her finger. "Who are you?" she asked.

"Oh, sorry—my name's Adeera."

"I'm Ethrell."

"It’s nice to meet you." I said, remembering the lessons mother taught me since I was little.

"It’s nice to meet you, too."

We talked for a little while; I remembered why I had com into town in the first place.

“I have to go."

"Alright, good-bye," she called back to me as I walked away. "I'm glad I ran into you!" she said with a laugh.

"So am I!" We waved, and she melted into the rest of the busy market. I then untied Florin and rode home.


When I got there it was the heat of the day and the smell of food was wafting from the open windows. Mother was always cooking something. By now father and myself would both be quite large except for our saving grace which was this, mother could not cook., She would try and every once in a while she would make something wonderful but most often the meat would be overcooked or the soup would be over spiced but we got a few laughs out of it, and we where happy.

I finished with my chores outside and then walked inside to see what could be done to help with lunch. As I walked in the kitchen I heard the familiar sounds of wooden spoon knocking against kettle and mother cursing under her breath.

“Everything alright?” I asked.

She sighed before she answered “Oh, I dropped a cup in the stew.”

I laughed through my nose as I watched her pull the once lost cup from the thick soup.

Looking at the cup with distaste she asked “Could you bring me some lettuce from the garden?”

“Mm-hm” I said as I turned and left the house again. I didn't mind, I loved the outside mainly because I could do so much more out there than I could in side. It didn't matter the weather if I was in the sun, moon or clouds, when I was inside I felt claustrophobic and useless. I never felt that way outside, outside I could do anything!

Once the stew was ready and the dishes on the table, mom sent me to the door to see if dad was home. He was leading his large bay, named Dawn, into the coral. He noticed me and called me over to him.

“Yes?” I said as he rested on the fence post.

“Are you needed here anymore?”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Well I was hoping you could come with me to the armory.”

“Why now?”

“Well after lunch but yes.”

“I'd love to! But I'm not the one that needs convincing.”

He paused for a moment then leaned in closer to me and whispered, “What did she make today?”

“What?” I asked.

“Food, what did she make?” he said in a low tone.

I laughed as a grin spread across his face. “Your so mean!” I said jokingly and lightly punched him in the shoulder.

“I'm just teasing.” he said as we walked toward the house.

Once we where seated and eating the slightly black stew, father looked at me and nodded giving me the cue to ask mother if I could go with him. I had no intention of doing so. Mother was in the kitchen getting some bread, and I did not want to be the one to ask her.

“No you do it!” I said in a barely audible tone. I didn't want her to hear us.

“Your the one that wants to go!” he whispered back pointing at me.

“Your the one that thought of it.” I said pushing his finger back at him.

“But you are her daughter.” he said with a look of triumph.

“Your her husband, she can't kill you!” he opened his mouth to say something but mother came in with the bread and he stopped.

“What?” she asked suspiciously and realizing that we where both looking at her expectantly. We went back to our soup quickly, she looked at us for a second more then shook her head and sat down.

“How is it?” she asked hopefully.

“Good.” father answered nodding his head.

“Really?!” she asked.

“Yes!” I said a little bit to enthusiastically. “Very good.”

She herd the falsetto tone and her eyes narrowed. “Tell the truth.”

“Honest, it's wonderful.” she turned to father as he said it and he stopped mid-chew.

“It's-really-good.” he said slowly hoping she would stop glaring.

There was silence then finally mother's face softened as she bit her lip and said “Really?”

“Mm-hm” I said nodding my head as father took another bit and every one relaxed, after a moment I turned to father,“How is the armory?”

Realizing the hint he gave in to our argument, “Alright, Jack hurt his hand on a sword this morning so I'm short a pair of hands. I guess I could manage without any help.”

At this point, mother's spoon was resting on her bowl as she nodded in a way that said, “I knew it.” She then looked up at father with an expression of concern, “Is Jack alright? I mean, he is your first apprentice, do you think there is anything we could do for him?”

Seizing the moment, father answered, “No, I think he will be fine. but I could use some help toda...”

“No.” mother cut him off.

“Why not!?” I asked.

“Because, you both know I don't like you being over there. Your suppose to be learning how to cook and take care of a home not sharpen men's war tools!”

“But I enjoy it!”

“And she's good at it.” father interjected.

“No.” she said back.

“Eve, I need her help. Jack is a klutz, he can't handle anything sharp without getting hurt much less clean or repair a sword.”

“The one and only answer is no.” She then stood up, gathered our dishes and left the room. Father followed her and I could hear her saying no one more time before my own thoughts crowded my head, Sorry, I don't understand what you are saying here. (:

I could sneak out with father and just face her when I got back; no that wouldn't work father would never do anything behind her back... I could try to get one her good side; no I don't have enough time for that...maybe I...

I wasn't able to finish my thoughts before mother and father came back in the room. Father looked happy but that didn't compare to how happy mother looked.

When she saw me staring, she straightened her face and said in a serious tone, “Alright you may go, and so long as your chores are done, I don't care how often you go so long as your father is with you.”

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. How did he do it? I thought.

“Oh thank you mother!” I jumped from my chair and hugged her. Father started to laugh silently.

“What is it?” I asked him.

“What? Oh nothing; I'm just glad you can go.”

“So am I!” I said excitedly.

“Yes, well, if you don't hurry up you won't get to go.” he said back.

“Oh right.” and I left to get my things.



Finally we where on our way, As the horses walked on in the rhythmic side-to-side motion I asked, “How did you do it? I mean it only took you a few seconds to convince her, what did you say?”

“I just told her how much I needed your help.”

“Are you sure thats all you said?” I asked.

“Well,” he replied, “I also told her I needed your help teaching a young man, who just came here, the ropes of the place while I worked, but I don't think he will be a problem he's pretty smart and....”

I couldn't believe how stupid I was. In all my excitement I didn't even think how easily mother gave in. She was always hoping I would meet somebody and settle down, but I have never been interested in that stuff least of all men. I was not happy.

“What?! You expect me to 'show' this kid around, no wait you expect me to marry him don't you? I can't believe I didn't see this coming, you set me up!”

“Oh calm down, it wasn't my idea!”

“Oh sure it wasn't.”

“No really it wasn't. I told your mother exactly what I just told you, and she morphed it into something completely different than what I said.”

“What?”

“Honest, she started asking me what he looked like, and where he was from and all kinds of odd questions about him. She even asked me what his hands look like for Pete sake. It wasn't my idea!”

“Wonderful.” I sighed, by this time we had stopped the horses so I nudged Florin on ward. “So, if this wasn't your idea then, are you going to help me elude this kid?”

“No.” he said plainly.

“What?” I half yelled.

“Think about it. If Eve thinks you have something for this young man you could come with me to the armory whenever you want.” I realized what he was talking about, if this worked I could be his next apprentice and mother wouldn't care about it. I could continue my lessons with father and mother wouldn't mind. I bit my lip in thought before answering.

“Alright, I guess it's not a bad idea. This does not leave the house.”

“Fine with me.” He said, “Now lets speed up a little.”

“One more question.”

He looked at me, “Yes?”

“What's his name?”

Father smiled, “Paradagun.” He urged Dawn into a lope.

YAY! haha

Great job!!!
Adeera, You have caught my attention!!

yeah so i have about 4 chapters but mind you they are VERY rough drafts

i also need a name one that i thought of was "whispered strength" for book 1 and "call of power" for book 2 and "shout of Victory" for book 3 i don't know, just some idea's

let me know when you want to rest