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WIP Fantasy story- finding out Hazel is a vamp

by AddisonHardy


As me and Zain ran into the empty classroom, hearing the muffled sobs of our classmate, we saw her sitting there, cross-legged on the floor with blood all around her. She looked up, and bared her teeth, despite the tears rolling down her face, revealing sharp fangs, before she doubled over, coughing up blood. I stayed frozen in my spot, but Zain ran to her, leaning down and pushing his index and middle finger against her main artery.

“Hazel, can you talk to me? Do you know who I am?” he said, panicking at how slow her pulse was. “Jax- grab your phone and call 911.”

“NO!” she yelled, slapping away Zain’s hand. “Don’t touch me, I might-” there seemed to be an inner battle, before her eyes glossed over and she grabbed his hand again, growling in a low voice, and baring her fangs again.

I came to the realization before Zain, and immediately jumped into action. In mere seconds, I had pushed Zain away from Hazel and pinned her to the ground with her hands above her head as she writhed. “Oh my god, Hazel, you’re a vampire?!”

She snapped briefly out of her bloodlust-induced trance, nodding and panting heavily. “Get… get away…”

Zain shoved my hand away, cursing and kneeling by Hazel’s feet, grabbing a hold of her lower legs. “If you’re a vampire, you need to drink blood, Hazel! Why didn’t you?? You need to drink right now, or you may die!”

Hazel shook her head, thrashing some more and snarling. “I could… I could H-hurt people…”

Zain sighed, wiping his forehead with the back of his hand and pulling his collar to the side, revealing the nape of his neck. “Drink.”

“But-”

“NOW.”

She looked at him with glazed teary eyes, and lunged at him, baring her teeth and inhaling deeply. She plunged her teeth into his neck, drinking indulgently. Zain grimaced slightly before sitting up straight, pushing through the pain. After about a minute he put his hand on Hazel’s shoulder and said “That’s enough, Hazel..”

She did not pull away, but in fact, gripped his shoulder harder. I pulled her away, scared, but forcing myself not to show it. I mumbled, “Hazel, are you okay?”

She nodded. “I’m so sorry…”

“Don’t be- but you almost DIED, Hazel!”

Tears started streaming down her face, and she keeled over, putting her hands to her face, sobbing uncontrollably.

Truly? I had no idea how to help her. Feelings aren’t quite my forte, to be frank, and I had only known her for about two months- I was much closer with Sakura and Rowan. So instead of consoling her, I turned to Zain, and pulled some tissues from my bookbag, putting pressure on the bite wound as he drank some water.

“Don’t touch me.” he mumbled, shaking.

“Shut up.” I growled back, silently cursing the fact that I didn’t carry bandages with me.

“I said don’t TOUCH me.”

“AND I SAID SHUT UP!” I screamed, Hazel’s sobs went quiet. I had made a mistake, but anger was keeping me fired up, and I couldn’t do anything about it.

“Jax-”

“ALL I EVER DO IS TRY TO HELP YOU, TRY TO KEEP YOU FROM BEING ANXIOUS, AND YOU GO OFF AND DO THIS? WE BARELY EVEN KNOW HAZEL, WHAT IF SHE KILLED YOU?!”

Hazel’s eyes widened but I didn’t notice. I didn’t care. I couldn’t care. She could have killed my best friend, and I wasn’t about to just let that slide.

“Jax, I wasn’t gonna-”

I cursed, and shouted back “OH SURE, ‘WASN’T GOING TO’, IT’S ALL ‘DON'T WORRY, JAX, IT’LL BE FINE, JAX, I DON’T NEED YOUR OPINION!’ WELL GUESS WHAT? I HAVE SOME COMMON SENSE TOO! I’M NOT STUPID, BUT YOU ALL ACT LIKE IT! I HAD A BAD FEELING ABOUT WALKING INTO THIS CLASSROOM WITHOUT A TEACHER, BUT YOU INSISTED, AND NOW YOU’RE HURT AND YOU COULD BECOME A VAMPIRE OR BLEED OUT!! DON’T YOU KNOW VAMPIRE SALIVA HAS SPECIAL COMPONENTS IN IT TO KEEP THE WOUND FROM CLOSING LONGER?? I TRIED HELPING BUT NOOOOO, ‘DON’T TOUCH ME, JAX’ IS ALL I GET!”

"I-I'm sorry, Jax." he mumbled, running out of the room. 


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121 Reviews


Points: 21970
Reviews: 121

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Sun Apr 18, 2021 10:20 am
stygianmoon17 wrote a review...



Hi there :D

I really loved this short, but I have a few things to say about it. If it's a standalone chapter, you could've maybe developed the characters a bit more, I was confused since there were a lot. With Jax, Hazel, Zain, Sakura.. so many names and yet I know so little about each of them.

If this is the first chapter of a series, then it's alright as you can develop them further along, but in standalone shorts you should probably develop each character and give them more substance. So we actually feel something for them.
Maybe instead of jumping right into the action, we could've have a scene before as they look for the classroom, and we could learn a bit more from each character as they talk to each other ? Or maybe a flash back ? Your choice.

I also found one little bit a tad hard to read, and it's this part:

I cursed, and shouted back “OH SURE, ‘WASN’T GOING TO’, IT’S ALL ‘DON'T WORRY, JAX, IT’LL BE FINE, JAX, I DON’T NEED YOUR OPINION!’ WELL GUESS WHAT? I HAVE SOME COMMON SENSE TOO! I’M NOT STUPID, BUT YOU ALL ACT LIKE IT! I HAD A BAD FEELING ABOUT WALKING INTO THIS CLASSROOM WITHOUT A TEACHER, BUT YOU INSISTED, AND NOW YOU’RE HURT AND YOU COULD BECOME A VAMPIRE OR BLEED OUT!! DON’T YOU KNOW VAMPIRE SALIVA HAS SPECIAL COMPONENTS IN IT TO KEEP THE WOUND FROM CLOSING LONGER?? I TRIED HELPING BUT NOOOOO, ‘DON’T TOUCH ME, JAX’ IS ALL I GET!”


Maybe I'm the only one that found it hard to read, but the majuscules make it hard enough, but then there's the fact it's super long.
Instead of majuscules, you could've simply done this "I cursed and shouted back, "Oh sure ! (..)" basically, Change the full stops and some commas with "!". And we'd have understood that he's mad about the situation.

The little bit of exposition in his rant nearing the end was also unnecessary, the
DON’T YOU KNOW VAMPIRE SALIVA HAS SPECIAL COMPONENTS IN IT TO KEEP THE WOUND FROM CLOSING LONGER??

You could just cut that out, as you already said he could turn into a vampire and/or die.


Still, I really enjoyed your short and hope to see more of these characters and this setting <33




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5 Reviews


Points: 775
Reviews: 5

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Sat Apr 17, 2021 9:45 pm
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Zenaida wrote a review...



Hi there! ^^

My first thought it "who is this Hazel person?" when I first saw the title, which isn't the best reaction possible. When I started reading, I also felt the same way about the introduction to our narrator figure and the person called Zain. It's preferred to set up a way to understand each character before jumping into action in most writing forms typically.

I like a drawn out story when it's about spooky creatures like vampires and werewolves. It's too much to jump right into understanding they aren't a normal human, and it's too much to wait until the very end to reveal that big twist. Finding somewhere in the middle of those two extremes is difficult at times but normally worthwhile.

This is said to be a WIP, so I assume it's the beginning of a novel or longer story to the point it would need more than one part. With that knowledge I have assumed, I look at the intro to Hazel being a vampire rather too fast for me. That being said, I feel the same way about being started in the middle of an action scene.

There are two different types of stories: rapid and short; timed and lengthy. Now, a shorter story that is fast-paced is not at all a bad thing, and I've seen it executed very well. I do think it is harder to make it all work together though, which is exactly why I point out how fast you are running through the timeline and events.

Moving away from time, I also believe your characters are flat. The vampire girl going from sweet to mean as she gets hungry is seen over and over, and I haven't seen enough from the storyteller and whoever Zain is to speak about them. Though, our storyteller is becoming a pain to sit though as I get farther down the page.

Overall, the amount of all-caps text used is quite blinding, the characters could use some more fleshing out, and the timing of each event and action becomes lost in the setting and character motives way too often.

- Aida :3




AddisonHardy says...


Thank yo SO much for the review!
This is actually part of a novel I'm in the process of writing, I just figured I'd put a section I was feeling iffy about here to get some criticism, but seeing this review, now I think I should have explained that a little better, so sorry about that! Once I get some more review points I'll start posting the beginning of the story.
This is the turning point in the novel, where the main character and narrator, Jax starts becoming a villain, so I'm trying to covey that, although I'm still struggling a bit.
Thank you so much for your input, I'll keep that in mind!
-Addison




A good artist should be isolated. If he isn't isolated, something is wrong.
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