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E - Everyone

Only U

by AddisonHardy


If the world died tonight

If we ran out of light

That would be alright

That would be alright

Because you're here on the other side of the bed

ranting about your family, complaining 'till your face goes red

You're cute when you get worked up so I pat your little head but...

~

If you only knew, it's only you that keeps my head above the water

If you only knew, it's only you that keeps my heart alive

If you only knew that here I am, wanting to be more than just a friend

If you only knew that soon this may be the end

If you only knew

~

Play some music at three, you dance with me and make my heart explode

Stay up too late, 'till the break of day, and then we hit the road

Walk to the park and as you talk I seem to fly and float

Your dark hair shimmers in the morning dew, but if only you knew...

~

If you only knew, it's only you that keeps my head above the water

If you only knew, it's only you that keeps my heart alive

If you only knew that here I am, wanting to be more than just a friend

If you only knew that soon this may be the end

If you only knew

~

I want to hold you close, to feel your heart and hear your voice

I want to take you to my favorite spots and drown out the noise

But how can I tell you? How can I know you? How can I say?

How everything in me feels this way?

~

If you only knew, it's only you that keeps my head above the water

If you only knew, it's only you that keeps my heart alive

If you only knew that here I am, wanting to be more than just a friend

If you only knew that soon this may be the end

If you only knew

It's only you

It's only you


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18 Reviews


Points: 1182
Reviews: 18

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Thu Sep 16, 2021 11:04 pm
SadboyJay wrote a review...



hey sadboyjay here with a review

First off. like the poem was good and it was nice that you did it for your band and your poem was only u right so this was i did i was reading it in my mind but like a song right so when i did that it actually was sounding right like i said this was a good poem that i read and i have favorites play some music at three, you dance with me and make my heart explode

Stay up too late, 'till the break of day like that was actually my part i really like from this poem

Second you should of take that part out of the poem If the world died tonight

If we ran out of light like thats just the onion about that part in your poem

Third the reason why Because you said if the world died tonight if we ran out of lights like you should leave that part in but if the world died tonight thats just the part from the poem i didn't
like

4th but keep up with the writing them poems!!




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Points: 252
Reviews: 2

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Sun Jun 06, 2021 2:38 am
Mika Honeydew wrote a review...



What are emotional song! I liked the words you used, no part of this song is weird or cringe. I like this part:" I want to hold you close, to feel your heart and hear your voice

I want to take you to my favorite spots and drown out the noise

But how can I tell you? How can I know you? How can I say?

How everything in me feels this way?" This part really made me impressed, so as the start of the song too. Just to add, this song is so cool! i really like it.




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76 Reviews


Points: 1403
Reviews: 76

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Fri Apr 23, 2021 3:50 am
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NivedaJames22 wrote a review...



Hey!

This was a really good song! I especially loved how you use repetitions for emphasis. That worked out really well.

I liked your descriptions. They conjure up this beautiful picture in my head.

I really liked this line:

Your dark hair shimmers in the morning dew, but if only you knew...



I liked how you describe all the mundane things you'd like to do with them, which are still super special to you.

The song also has a nice flow.

On the whole, it was a really nice song. Can't wait to read more of your work. :D

Keep writing.




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25 Reviews


Points: 3157
Reviews: 25

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Fri Apr 23, 2021 3:47 am
winterwolf0100 wrote a review...



First off-- I want to say that this is a very interesting rhythmic pattern that I sincerely enjoyed. There were moments when your choices surprised me and yet they still read as good choices (which can, I've found, be rare). Often when my first instinct isn't what that person did, then when I see what they did, I don't agree with it. This is not the case.

Secondly, the message is good, and I can definitely see this as a catchy song depending on the genre of your band and your style of music.

Now, on to critiques:

I don't want to tear your piece apart because it's beautiful and it's personal for you. (There's actually not anything I could tear apart here anyway.) So I'm just going to offer some minor advice and tweaks.

Because you're here on the other side of the bed,
Ranting about your family, complaining 'till your face goes red
You're cute when you get all worked up so I pat your little head, but...


There are a few minor things with these lines, but I didn't want to divide them since they're all on the same rhyming scheme so I left them together.

The first thing I notice is how specific the lines are which is great when you're talking to a specific person, but also... that can make it hard for a person listening to the song to relate to. If you do it carefully, then it will work, but be cautious of not making it so personal that it makes it not personal for the audience.

The second thing I notice is the number of syllables in the second line versus the first. Even reading it, I had a hard time lining up the beats to match each other and stay on the same tempo. Someone could sing the first line in a very specific way and very drawn out I suppose, but it might be better to try to edit down the second line syllable wise.

The third thing I notice is how I'm sure you didn't mean for it to, but the third line comes off as a bit condescending. If there's someone ranting about their family and angry, then it's probably pretty personal for them. Just tweaking it a bit could make it sound less condescending, and taking out the "little" next to head would definitely make a big difference. Changing "pat" to another word might also make it sound a bit better, because otherwise it could read as you dismissing her problems, which obviously isn't what you're trying to do at all or how you're intending it to sound.

I want to take you to my favorite spots and drown out the noise


Okay-- beautiful message. Beautiful delivery. The only thing I'd suggest is adding "drown out all the noise" to add that extra syllable and make it match with the first line a bit better.

Final note: I think something that could help your song get a more complete, strong, and potentially beautiful ending would be repeating the first few verses, but with the instruments dying out in the background and the lead singer's voice much quieter, so it could end with

If the world died tonight,
If we ran out of light,
That would be alright
That would be alright.


I don't think slowing it down by something as drastic as half would work, but making it slower, bringing the singer's voice a bit closer to an almost smoky, quiet sound like the calm at the end of a storm of emotions, and having more of a pause between the lines, stretching them out a bit more, could really make a huge impact on the ending of the song. (I'm going to be honest-- I'm getting chills just thinking about it, and my brain has already attached a melody to the song. XD)

SOOOOOO...

I know that's a lot to take in! They were really only some light notes but those are my thoughts on the piece personally. I really really like it, and if you and your band ever end up recording it (professionally or otherwise) I would absolutely love to hear the direction you take it, and hear the final product. I love music so things like this are my jam!

Feel free to reach out if you have any questions or if you just wanna talk about music, writing, whatever! My PMs are pretty much always open, and I hope this helps! : D

~Winter




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26 Reviews


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Reviews: 26

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Thu Apr 22, 2021 11:32 pm
Emivanz1 wrote a review...



Wow this is an amazing song. Like seriously, AMAZEBALLS.
glows
It had great descriptions- the way you explained your friendship with that person was impeccable
it was flowy- it flowed well

grows
it used a it too much repitition-not too much, but some other words added in there would spice it up

thats all, this was a great song, and you should keep writing
your friend
Emivanz





An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards. So when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means that life's going to launch you into something great, so just focus and keep aiming.
— Unknown