If the world died tonight
If we ran out of light
That would be alright
That would be alright
Because you're here on the other side of the bed
ranting about your family, complaining 'till your face goes red
You're cute when you get worked up so I pat your little head but...
~
If you only knew, it's only you that keeps my head above the water
If you only knew, it's only you that keeps my heart alive
If you only knew that here I am, wanting to be more than just a friend
If you only knew that soon this may be the end
If you only knew
~
Play some music at three, you dance with me and make my heart explode
Stay up too late, 'till the break of day, and then we hit the road
Walk to the park and as you talk I seem to fly and float
Your dark hair shimmers in the morning dew, but if only you knew...
~
If you only knew, it's only you that keeps my head above the water
If you only knew, it's only you that keeps my heart alive
If you only knew that here I am, wanting to be more than just a friend
If you only knew that soon this may be the end
If you only knew
~
I want to hold you close, to feel your heart and hear your voice
I want to take you to my favorite spots and drown out the noise
But how can I tell you? How can I know you? How can I say?
How everything in me feels this way?
~
If you only knew, it's only you that keeps my head above the water
If you only knew, it's only you that keeps my heart alive
If you only knew that here I am, wanting to be more than just a friend
If you only knew that soon this may be the end
If you only knew
It's only you
It's only you
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139,447 Literary Works • 672,564 Reviews
I love this song! It really emphasizes how important one person can be in your life.One person can change it all.I also like how you repeated “It’s only you” to let us really get an idea of how it’s only one person.One person could change lives.I really liked this song.Good job and I hope you have an awesome day/night.
Hey! Kz back wit a review!!! I love your song, and the story behind it! this song is really emotional! (quick qu... did she realize? if so... how did it go over? if not, try saying it directly! *if you feel comfortable*)
ok to the review...
"If the world died tonight/ If we ran out of light/ That would be alright/ That would be alright"
I would like to know how this is meant to be heard/ sound because if it is repeated/ background, then I suggest writing it like,
That would be alright
(That would be alright)
If not.. Keep going!
...Not a huge fan of... "your little head" --> while yes, 'head' does rhyme, maybe "little" isn't the right word. (Not to take this the wrong way- I wouldn't say "your big head", but I'm saying that "little" may be the wrong word)
"But how can I tell you? How can I know you? How can I say?/ How everything in me feels this way?" --- No Joke this is SO emotional.
"If you only knew that here I am, wanting to be more than just a friend" ahmazing!!!
BTW- really, only take what you find helpful.
hi jay here leaving a review here~
first off this was a good lovely poem i ever read like i have to tell you what was my favorite line in the poem cause to me i loved that part in the poem Play some music at three, you dance with me and make my heart explode
Stay up too late, 'till the break of day, and then we hit the road
Walk to the park and as you talk I seem to fly and float
Your dark hair shimmers in the morning dew, but if only you knew... this was the exactly an a good part in the poem i give you that cause what can we use without poetry everything we can use with poetry is expressing our feelings what we go through in life
Second the compliment i would give you is was you talking about a man that you really love or you cause at soon when i readed i was thinking like was she talking about a boy or her so i had to ask you that
3rd how you can improve is like how all get like where you express your feelings out there making a poem like this i im still tryna figure that out with some of all
4th what i didn't like it's only you that keeps my head above the water that was the part but you could of said i heard voices in my mind blah blah blah whatever like that just giving you details
hopefully we see more new work from you soon it was nice to read a poem like this only u keep writing by jay~
Hello! To clear up some confusion I am a trans male, and I was writing about a nonbinary person, so I purposefully used neutral language! And that%u2019s kind for the review
)
well i didn't know you were trans
Always nice to meet another people in the LTGBQIAP community!
What are emotional song! I liked the words you used, no part of this song is weird or cringe. I like this part:" I want to hold you close, to feel your heart and hear your voice
I want to take you to my favorite spots and drown out the noise
But how can I tell you? How can I know you? How can I say?
How everything in me feels this way?" This part really made me impressed, so as the start of the song too. Just to add, this song is so cool! i really like it.
Hey!
This was a really good song! I especially loved how you use repetitions for emphasis. That worked out really well.
I liked your descriptions. They conjure up this beautiful picture in my head.
I really liked this line:
I liked how you describe all the mundane things you'd like to do with them, which are still super special to you.
The song also has a nice flow.
On the whole, it was a really nice song. Can't wait to read more of your work.
Keep writing.
First off-- I want to say that this is a very interesting rhythmic pattern that I sincerely enjoyed. There were moments when your choices surprised me and yet they still read as good choices (which can, I've found, be rare). Often when my first instinct isn't what that person did, then when I see what they did, I don't agree with it. This is not the case.
Secondly, the message is good, and I can definitely see this as a catchy song depending on the genre of your band and your style of music.
Now, on to critiques:
I don't want to tear your piece apart because it's beautiful and it's personal for you. (There's actually not anything I could tear apart here anyway.) So I'm just going to offer some minor advice and tweaks.
There are a few minor things with these lines, but I didn't want to divide them since they're all on the same rhyming scheme so I left them together.
The first thing I notice is how specific the lines are which is great when you're talking to a specific person, but also... that can make it hard for a person listening to the song to relate to. If you do it carefully, then it will work, but be cautious of not making it so personal that it makes it not personal for the audience.
The second thing I notice is the number of syllables in the second line versus the first. Even reading it, I had a hard time lining up the beats to match each other and stay on the same tempo. Someone could sing the first line in a very specific way and very drawn out I suppose, but it might be better to try to edit down the second line syllable wise.
The third thing I notice is how I'm sure you didn't mean for it to, but the third line comes off as a bit condescending. If there's someone ranting about their family and angry, then it's probably pretty personal for them. Just tweaking it a bit could make it sound less condescending, and taking out the "little" next to head would definitely make a big difference. Changing "pat" to another word might also make it sound a bit better, because otherwise it could read as you dismissing her problems, which obviously isn't what you're trying to do at all or how you're intending it to sound.
Okay-- beautiful message. Beautiful delivery. The only thing I'd suggest is adding "drown out all the noise" to add that extra syllable and make it match with the first line a bit better.
Final note: I think something that could help your song get a more complete, strong, and potentially beautiful ending would be repeating the first few verses, but with the instruments dying out in the background and the lead singer's voice much quieter, so it could end with
I don't think slowing it down by something as drastic as half would work, but making it slower, bringing the singer's voice a bit closer to an almost smoky, quiet sound like the calm at the end of a storm of emotions, and having more of a pause between the lines, stretching them out a bit more, could really make a huge impact on the ending of the song. (I'm going to be honest-- I'm getting chills just thinking about it, and my brain has already attached a melody to the song. XD)
SOOOOOO...
I know that's a lot to take in! They were really only some light notes but those are my thoughts on the piece personally. I really really like it, and if you and your band ever end up recording it (professionally or otherwise) I would absolutely love to hear the direction you take it, and hear the final product. I love music so things like this are my jam!
Feel free to reach out if you have any questions or if you just wanna talk about music, writing, whatever! My PMs are pretty much always open, and I hope this helps! : D
~Winter
Wow this is an amazing song. Like seriously, AMAZEBALLS.
glows
It had great descriptions- the way you explained your friendship with that person was impeccable
it was flowy- it flowed well
grows
it used a it too much repitition-not too much, but some other words added in there would spice it up
thats all, this was a great song, and you should keep writing
your friend
Emivanz