Warning: This work has been rated 18+.
Everything hurts
And I don’t mean my body
My brain
My heart
My chest
My stomach
I can’t breath, my nose is stuffed.
I sit here on the edge of life and death
Knife in my hand
Off to a better land
Slit my wrists and watch it all fall out
Pain and trauma bleeding with my brain
When things happen now I refuse to pout
Instead I just give in, fall into the pain
I think so much
My brain is a prison
Of hurt and everything bad
People smiling around me then here I stand
My brain far off in another land
I write up a note at least once a week
But I always throw it away the next time my rational side thinks
I feel like I’m a coward
Cuz nothing ever turns out
But this time will be the change
So I raise up the base and-
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139,456 Literary Works • 672,568 Reviews
Hi there AddisonHardy.
I usually don't review poetry on this subject for my own reasons, but I decided to give you a review today because I was curious what I was missing out on. I'm a big fan of poetry that comes from the heart like this because it captures a lot of realism, but I also do recognize that some subjects are difficult to talk about. This situation could possibly be one of those situations, so please reach out to someone if you want to.
I know words don't really mean much when it's over the internet and from a total stranger, but there is a strong community in the people from YWS and I know that they'll all be here to support you if you wanted to talk to any of them about stuff.
I'll put the rest of the review in a spoiler~
Spoiler
So let's get into the first lines because they're always important and can show the future of the poem to anyone who might start reading it. I think that you restate the idea of everything hurting by listing the parts too much, and it kind of ends up as being too repetitive early on in my opinion. It blurs together and becomes that of unmemorable when first lines should be the primary focus when reading a poem.
You also state that "And I don’t mean my body" and then end up listing things that are encased within a body. It doesn't really make sense to me from the point of view of an outsider to the whole writing process, but in some ways, I can see how it might've been placed intentionally to divert the attention from that one idea.
I also feel the same way about the line of "When things happen now I refuse to pout" being near the mention of knives and someone hurting themselves. It's kind of a more innocent idea of what happens when someone starts to feel bad or angry or any emotion, and I personally think it takes away from the subject matter that you're trying to talk about as it suggests the idea that those perceived as more innocent do not feel suicidal, when they really do and just hide it extremely well.
Another thing I have to mention is wordiness. Some of the lines are quite short, some are very long compared to that. Of course, that alone is fine in poetry because some people go for that as a part of their style, but when the words jumble together it becomes an issue. Look at the line of "But I always throw it away the next time my rational side thinks" and then look at "I think so much" and you'll see what I mean.
That could also go into the discussion of formatting, well your lack of it. I don't like talking about formatting because it depends on the writer, but a clearer formatting choice would've made this a little easier to read and search through.
I hope you're doing okay <3
Cheers!
Highly emotional. And scary. I hope you're okay. And I hope writing this poem helped express how you are.
First of all, I wish that you are okay with your emotions and feelings. Now coming to the poem, your poem elaborates on the mental condition of a suicidal person.
You hook the reader from the very beginning. Everything hurts. Yes, everything really hurts.
This portion is a bit vague. Just make it a bit clearer. What did u actually want to convey? None of this hurts? Or only that your body doesn't hurt? Please re-construct it to make it clearer.
You could write it the second line as something like ‘I sit here on the verge of two distinct worlds.’ I guess this would better go with the 4 th line. And the 3rd line just applying a bit of irony, can that knife be written as something precious? Perhaps the death causing jewel. I don't really know if it would fit or not... It just came to my mind and I said. The 4th line really hits hard. It clearly points out the cause of suicide — This world is worse than death.
This lines are just apposite. They fit very well. I love the Expression of your brain being a prison.
Yes, the fear of committing suicide... Losing yourself, losing others...
I suggest to write the cuz as cause.
😭😭 I am just hearing of many deaths... This lines just remind me of ppl who the World lost... Whatever, a nice ending.
Well. So, I surmise that this poem is kind of a suicide note sort of thing. It was great for its depressing tone. Hope you are alright and feeling well.
Keep writing! Writing sometimes helps us come out of our depression.
Hello!~ Here's my review!
Ok, so first off, I like the simplicity and blunt, concise composition of your prose.
A few pointers~
Your mention of the lines: "Everything hurts," with "And I don't mean my body," followed by "My brain... My heart... My chest... My stomach," seems contradictory, as everything listed is a part of the body- but I see what you were going for. The intended message, I feel, would have a better impact when reworked into a more elaborate development. Pardon my redesigning, but if I were to express the feelings of the character, I would go about it like:
"Everything hurts.
But the deepest sores
go unnoticed
by the passing eyes
of passerbys.
The heavy heart
aches alone with its keeper.
The type of hurt
only known by its captive."
^I know it's very different, but I think integrating more emotive, metaphorical depictions would make for a more natural flow-- though this is just a suggestion! Direct language is also fine, but for my taste, I find it preferable to use more subtext, as poetry is really where you can explore phraseology and character voice. The 'show, don't tell' technique.
I really liked the play on rhyming words between these two lines:
"I write up a note at least once a week
But I always throw it away the next time my rational side thinks,"
*however*, the rhythm doesn't pace very well; the syllables of the second line are stretched longer than the reading pattern of the first.
~ Keeping cadence and consistency will help refine your poetry.
Read through this re-written example and notice the difference in tempo:
"Now, see, I just write up a note
at least once a week, and within
due time, it ends up in the bin
when my rational side kicks in."
^The syllables of the lines above all match (8 per line).
I recommend you try incorporating a rhythmic guideline that continues over the entirety of the poem.
I hope you found this helpful!~