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A footprint in the snow

by AddictedToTheInk


As she put on her boots,

And walks around, 

Playing with the snow that's on the ground,

Taking a handful,

She makes a ball,

And watches the sky as the snow starts to fall.

She turns around,

With the ball in her hand,

And aims at her mother who takes the chance,

To run at her daughter,

Armed with the snow.

And that's when she throws,

The snow from her hand,

Hitting her daughter,

As if it was planned.

They run around,

With smiles on their faces,

Making sure to take their places,

As once again, they are armed,

With ice cold balls,

Not meant to harm.

When all is done,

They go inside,

In front of the fireplace,

Is where they'll hide,

From the cold that is outside,

Remembering the day they've had.

Five years from then,

The photo book,

She takes from the draw to have a look.

She flicks through the pages,

Sees smiles on their faces,

Wishing she could have that back.

As she puts on her boots,

She steps outside,

To finally feel like she's alive.

She takes one step,

For the girl she knows,

To remember her daughter,

With a footprint in the snow.

//© By A (Written on 28/07/2016 - published on 12/02/2017)


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Sun Jul 08, 2018 6:44 pm
Radrook wrote a review...



I like this poem about mother and daughter who once played in the snow and how the memory is revived whenever it snows once more. The sheer Joy of the experience is reinforced by the brisk meter that the poem establishes from the outset. Reminded me of one occasion where I played that way with my father.

Thanks for sharing. looking forward to reading more of your work.

Suggestions

The meter and rhyme seem to go suddenly out of kilter in the middle.
So that should be given some attention. This is the part that seems to need work.

To run at her daughter,

Armed with the snow.

And that's when she throws,

The snow from her hand,

Hitting her daughter,

As if it was planned.



Reducing the repetition of these words might be good.

she = 12
snow = 5
as = 5
and = 4
Daughter = 3
balls = 3

Not capitalizing the first letter of each new line would be nice.

As she [puts] on her boots, and walks around,

As she [puts] on her boots, and [walks] around,




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Tue Feb 14, 2017 4:17 am
Querencia wrote a review...



Hey AddictedToTheInk! :D Welcome to YWS! I hope you enjoy it here.

I really appreciated this poem- your rhymes were consistent and well crafted. I don't always see that, and I think it's great. I like the tone your piece has well, you set it up very nicely. Overall, however, I think you could've used a bit more imagery- maybe some colors, or sounds. And although it's great to have punctuation in poetry, I think it's entirely possible that you've overused the comma! There are a lot of places you could simply take it out, and others where you could replace it with a semicolon or whatever might fit.


The photo book,

She takes from the draw to have a look.

This bit sounds a little funky. I would definitely consider rearranging it, maybe to something more like, "She takes the photo book / From the drawer to have a look". That way, it sounds a little less awkward!

There are only a few rhyme pairs that I think don't really line up.

As once again, they are armed,

With ice cold balls,

Not meant to harm

I like the idea behind these lines, and harm and armed are quite close, but you could still adjust it a bit. You could say something like, "Neither was harmed" if you wanted to make it closer.
She flicks through the pages,

Sees smiles on their faces,

This is another one that struck me as off. I can't think of anything off the top of my head, but play around with it a bit and see if anything new comes to you!

Anyway, this is a great poem and I think the ending is quite powerful. Good job, and welcome once again! I can't wait to see more writing from you. ^_^

-Falco






Thank you for this! I really appreciate it :)



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Tue Feb 14, 2017 4:07 am
Steggy wrote a review...



Hello, Steggy here for a short review!

When I first read this poem, you don't mention the narrator anywhere throughout this poem. Perhaps because the narrator is telling a story for a different point of view than themselves but I still think it would've been nice to know who is talking so the reader can have a general knowledge of what's happening. Another thing I noticed was you seem to describe every single thing that the narrator is doing. There are times where this can be okay but other times, like in this poem for example, it feels as though it can drag on and on without an ending. Visual the ideas in your head and try to figure out what is important to the poem that could make sense to the reader.
You use commas a lot too in this poem. In poetry, when using commas, it usually indicates a breather of some sort or perhaps a new stanza but in your case, I think you went a little overboard with the commas-now that isn't a bad thing. Most people do it without realizing it and skip over it. Personally, I think, if you reread the work before publishing it, you can figure out mistakes easy enough.

Now, onto the stanzas:

As she put on her boots,

And walks around,

Playing with the snow that's on the ground,

Taking a handful,

She makes a ball,

And watches the sky as the snow starts to fall.


The beginning of this poem feels a bit weak because I feel like this poem could use some form of background. It is almost seems like you are making the reader assume what is happening (for me, I think the narrator died). it is a like a foggy mirror; you have to wipe away the uncertainty to see the clarity. When beginning anything, you should try to hook the reader in with something powerful but not too powerful (ex: big words that hardly anyone knows) and weave it together and then at the end, have the big finish.
I think the main reason as to why the beginning feels weak is because you are forcing the rhyming scheme to happen. Like, you needed to rhyme 'around' and 'ground' to get the scheme moving. In most cases, this would be acceptable because it gives the poem a full-rounded image. But I think you should've just went with the flow. Adding rhyming when you thought could be needed.

As she puts on her boots,

She steps outside,

To finally feel like she's alive.

She takes one step,

For the girl she knows,

To remember her daughter,

With a footprint in the snow.


This last stanza feels like a frayed knot is suddenly tied tightly. Basically, you have a good ending here because you place a raw emotion onto how the mother is feeling after her daughters death. Also, how did the daughter die? I think perhaps you should at least mention it somewhere in here. Maybe she died when a truck slid in the ice and rammed into her car? Who knows; I'm sure you do though and without that important information, the reader can be easily confused.

I liked this poem, overall. There were some long places in this poem that I felt like should've been shorter (for example the middle stanza feels a bit repetitive but not in the good way). Maybe reread this poem and figure out what needs to go/what should stay. Often times it helps with your writing in the future and yourself then will thank yourself now for doing so.

If you have any questions, let me know! Oh, and welcome to YWS! ^^ Hope you enjoy it here.

Steggy






Thanks for the review :) I knew it was off in some places, i just didn't know what i could do to fix it. This has helped me a lot, i really appreciate it :)



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Tue Feb 14, 2017 1:02 am
Soulkana wrote a review...



Hi Soul here!

So I haven't reviewed anything in ages, let alone poetry, but I will say this much, I really like this. Brought back a lot of memories and I enjoyed the read most definitely.

Well I do believe the poem flowed rather well. While some lines feel a bit longer than others, it doesn't seem to interrupt the flow in my mind. It's nice how small things like this can remind you of so many others things at the same time.

So, nicely done! I can't wait to read more from you! Hope you enjoy the review ^^

Soulkana <3






Thank you! :)




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