Published November 20, 2010
Smoky hazel eyes,
Glowing hazel hair,
Fire all the way down to the water.
So is it ice or lightning that chills down my spine?
Oh well.
It's Victoria.
Look at our world,
Our dreams and hopes
And buildings and riches
Of silvery love;
Of wishes and magic-tales,
Grass and palace,
Crystal and diamond;
River and marble-stone.
Walk up the steps with me,
Hand in hand, arms intertwined.
Smell like a flower.
Smell like ice-dew.
Read to me in latin
Like we know how together
In Paris.
Honey, honey...
Write me letters in honey,
And spread it on your bread,
And lick it off with dignity.
Tell us a secret that only I know
That we never knew before.
Whisper it into my ear when everyone can see.
It's only business, tell them,
Because they don't know about this kind.
Or at least we don't know they do...
Swing on the seesaw with me
Like when we were small and
Our governesses used to sew on the grass.
Let's go hide behind a tree like we used to
Tee-hee.
So take this rose and remember,
We win.
And if you will,
It's love. True love.
If you do believe,
It's more than just a secret.
It's class.
And that's why should spend the rest of forever together.
But let's not get married without a scandal first...
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139,567 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
This is not only good, this is very good! Your imagery is fantastic especially the part about licking honey off of bread with dignity. Your writing is raw yet reserved, if that makes any sense. I really loved this poem!
Okay, I shall try at least make a comment on this. AdamBH your poetry seems to go from gosh darn awful, to wow that just pure amazing and my little brain is still trying to wrap around that concept. It's a little annoying to be honest but you can shock but you can also bore, can you least be consistent?! Sorry, I kid, but seriously this piece is just wonderful, it's classy but it's also funny and rather innocuous at some parts. I think my favourite line is definitely:
It's just beautifully subtle and also raunchy. I love you capture both the posh side and the more passionate and torrid side.
It's got some stunning wording, and some really amazing suggestive lines, but yet it's all subtle and secret. It's naughty, but not crass, it feels real, feels like the added excitement of a real relationship. In a way feels like Romeo and Juiletesque, but in not such a tragic way. It's hard to put into words. It just feel natural and primal with a touch of upper class games to it. Nah canne put it into words, sorry.
Overall: I like this, but please if you're pieces keep with this style it works for ya. Take this one as a lesson, you can do brilliantly when you try. This proves it.
Hope this shows that.
This poem had a lot of descriptive words that keeps the reader from being bored.
The only thing that was weird was at the end when you broke off of the poem's structure.
Oh yeah, there were also a few grammar errors I am too lazy to pick out.
CardDragon.
Thank you for that wondeful review! I will change 'glowy' to 'glowing'. The Tee-hee, the tongue in cheek sexual metaphor and the last line of the whole thing are there to all give it a slightly ungraceful tone, because it's supposed to all be about the joys of love with being a bit naughty and classy at the same time
And the 'it's class' refers to both types of class, or more like as an attitude. While secrets may seem classy, truth and sincerity is even classier, but not without a little monky business behind trees, if you get what I mean. ^^
I like this. A good thing I noticed about it is the merging of a conversational style with poetic imagery. The punctuation isn't always consistent, but that's easily fixed. A couple of nitpicks:
The word "glowy" isn't very appealing.
This was just a weird stanza in general. I can't tell whether it's a tongue-in-cheek sexual metaphor or just a fancy reference to licking the seal on an envelope. XD
I would leave out the last line--it's kind of ungraceful--but the rest of the stanza is very pretty.
I like all this except, once again, the last line. Actually, it's not that I don't like the last line; I just didn't quite understand it. Class as in, social class? Or class as in, "She's got class"?
These two lines made me laugh to myself. They remind me a bit of my own romantic experiences.
Nice little poem overall; I like how you kind of set it in the Victorian era, like the name of the girl. Keep writing!
~Warrior Princess