Published May 22, 2012
Seeds
I would have sought a way,
just like I always do,
to sew your love into my heart, without this pretence, this pursue
of might beyond my blood,
of harsh, defying droughts, to harvest truth beneath the hatred
with springtime's ease - no doubts.
My beauty swelling proud, my heart would life's rhythm get,
to grow my body as it should -
no knives of sweet regret which slice my soul,
like when you stare at me;
because you people see my flesh
and not my gravity.
And feelings would be glazed,
like salt in nature's air, with herbs and spices and real human tears,
until I've had my share;
and torn out smiles would sprout,
and creased up faces laugh
because that's what they do down here: they breathe for me, on my behalf.
But then you'd see me frail,
though firmer I would be,
because the strength you seek is such, where, cross-eyed, I can still see
that life is not un-ebbing,
and love is not so rough, as boy-meets-girl, and blood ripples on,
and rivers quench enough.
So here I stand for you, in the darkness of my disguise,
for you to love me finally,
for love to fog my eyes,
and so I'd happy be,
if only you'd dismiss, that the seeds of my tears scream in pink;
I wasn't sewn like this.
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140,571 Literary Works • 673,517 Reviews
There is a lot about thus poem that is truly lovely. However:
Sew and sewn refers to the thing you do with the needle and thread. Sow and sown refers to seeds. Sorry to point it out, I actually think it is a good sign if people are using homophones because it shows they have been working from the sounds of a poem rather than just treating them as words on a page. If you were trying to evoke a double meaning, I don't think it would work to your favour that early in the poem, particularly when the rest of the imagery is so cohesive with the seed. I think "pursue" should be "pursuit", "pursue of might" isn't anything.
There is a lot that is beautiful about this stanza. As a sentence it is a bit of a beast, there is no tension and resolution it just tends to go on. Clarifying the focus would be kinder to your readers, but not if it compromises your tone. I thought the alliteration was really interesting because it sort of created this whirlpool at the centre of the stanza, the ps then ds, like a spiralling symmetry.
I think this stanza would be more powerful if it was more closely tied in to the seeds allegory. Be violent to the fruit or plants and make that shocking. The knife slaughtering a watermelon. Weirdly enough, people are much more disturbed by violence against personified things than actual people.
Lions and tigers and bears? Oh my!
Six 'and's in that stanza. I don't think they are pulling their weight. Each punctuation mark is agonized over by professional poets, if a word isn't vital to the poem, be careful about including it. People have died for poetry, write it as if you were willing to die for every word. If you are willing to die for six ands, I can respect that, but be that committed.
There is a lot about thus poem that is truly lovely. However:
Sew and sewn refers to the thing you do with the needle and thread. Sow and sown refers to seeds. Sorry to point it out, I actually think it is a good sign if people are using homophones because it shows they have been working from the sounds of a poem rather than just treating them as words on a page. If you were trying to evoke a double meaning, I don't think it would work to your favour that early in the poem, particularly when the rest of the imagery is so cohesive with the seed. I think "pursue" should be "pursuit", "pursue of might" isn't anything.
There is a lot that is beautiful about this stanza. As a sentence it is a bit of a beast, there is no tension and resolution it just tends to go on. Clarifying the focus would be kinder to your readers, but not if it compromises your tone. I thought the alliteration was really interesting because it sort of created this whirlpool at the centre of the stanza, the ps then ds, like a spiralling symmetry.
I think this stanza would be more powerful if it was more closely tied in to the seeds allegory. Be violent to the fruit or plants and make that shocking. The knife slaughtering a watermelon. Weirdly enough, people are much more disturbed by violence against personified things than actual people.
Lions and tigers and bears? Oh my!
Six 'and's in that stanza. I don't think they are pulling their weight. Each punctuation mark is agonized over by professional poets, if a word isn't vital to the poem, be careful about including it. People have died for poetry, write it as if you were willing to die for every word. If you are willing to die for six ands, I can respect that, but be that committed.
darn it did away with the indents. Don't worry! They are still there in the draft haha. I only changed a few words
NEXT DRAFT
Seeds
I would have sought a way,
just like I always do,
to sew your love into my heart, without this pretence, this pursue
of might beyond my blood,
of harsh, defying droughts, to harvest truth beneath the hatred
with springtime's ease - no doubts.
My beauty would swell proud, my heart would passionately sweat,
to grow my body as it should -
no knives of sweet regret which slice my soul,
like when you stare at me;
because you people see my flesh
and not my gravity.
And feelings would be glazed,
like salt in nature's air, with herbs and spices and real human tears,
until I've had my share;
and torn out smiles would sprout,
and creased up faces laugh
because that's what they do down here: they breathe for me, on my behalf.
But then you'd see me frailer,
the firmer I would be;
because the strength you seek is such, where, cross-eyed, I can still see
that life is not un-ebbing,
and love is not so rough, as boy-meets-girl, and blood ripples on,
and rivers quench enough.
So I stand here for you, in the darkness of my disguise,
for you to love me finally,
for love to fog my eyes,
and I'd be happy then,
if only you'd dismiss, that the seeds of my tears scream in pink;
I wasn't sewn like this.
Hey there!
This poem is fantastic in the way of imagery. You have a really great grasp on language and that gives you a great advantage when writing. I particularly like the last stanza. There are some lapses in tone and it would help to straighten the sections out. Otherwise this was a very enjoyable poem to read. I liked it a lot!
Best of luck,
Luxe
This is well-done. You have a nice flow and your imagery is tight and sticks to its organic, nature-based theme. One thing to look out for is consistency of voice. Your first stanza has a modern, spoken-word feel to it that works very well, but in a few places like:
"my heart would life's rhythm get"
"though firmer I would be"
"and so I'd happy be"
you move out of that into a style that doesn't work with what you've set in the first stanza. It ends up feeling inconsistent, like you're forcing your style into something that it's not in order to make a rhyme work or smooth out the flow.
You also incorporate rhyme here and there, but don't create any consistent pattern with it, which can work if done subtly enough that it just complements the rhythm of the piece, but most of the time it becomes distracting because it can create inconsistent flow and confusion over whether there's supposed to be a structure. That's what's happening here. I found myself constantly being distracted by trying to figure out what your rhyme scheme was or how a certain sentence was supposed to flow because things weren't consistent.
Your imagery is gorgeous. Sections like
show that you have strong ability with language, and there were a few moments where I stopped and reread bits just because they were beautiful. Fantastic work.
Overall, you have some excellent elements here, there are just some inconsistencies in tone and form that need to be addressed, and I really hope you do do a round of edits, as this could be a stellar poem if you work it over a bit. If you do edit, throw a message on my profile. I'd love to see it at its best.
Cheers,
Shade
This is well-done. You have a nice flow and your imagery is tight and sticks to its organic, nature-based theme. One thing to look out for is consistency of voice. Your first stanza has a modern, spoken-word feel to it that works very well, but in a few places like:
"my heart would life's rhythm get"
"though firmer I would be"
"and so I'd happy be"
you move out of that into a style that doesn't work with what you've set in the first stanza. It ends up feeling inconsistent, like you're forcing your style into something that it's not in order to make a rhyme work or smooth out the flow.
You also incorporate rhyme here and there, but don't create any consistent pattern with it, which can work if done subtly enough that it just complements the rhythm of the piece, but most of the time it becomes distracting because it can create inconsistent flow and confusion over whether there's supposed to be a structure. That's what's happening here. I found myself constantly being distracted by trying to figure out what your rhyme scheme was or how a certain sentence was supposed to flow because things weren't consistent.
Your imagery is gorgeous. Sections like
show that you have strong ability with language, and there were a few moments where I stopped and reread bits just because they were beautiful. Fantastic work.
Overall, you have some excellent elements here, there are just some inconsistencies in tone and form that need to be addressed, and I really hope you do do a round of edits, as this could be a stellar poem if you work it over a bit. If you do edit, throw a message on my profile. I'd love to see it at its best.
Cheers,
Shade