Published May 2, 2005
I stared out at the dark streets. The light drizzle showed up clear, against the pools of light, that flooded the black pavement. There were no clouds in the sky tonight. Just the stars. Watching over me. Smiling at me.
I looked into the bright lights of the horizon. Thinking that if I looked far enough, I would be able to see them. My Papi...My Tia Zulima, my abouelos...my cousins...Katalina...Cecilia... Smiling, waving, and telling me how much they loved me.
I felt a tear drip slowly down my cheek. Falling onto my windowsill silently. I looked around my room. Everything was still there. My desk still had everything on it. My bookcase was still overflowing with books. And yet, despite the small space of my bedroom, it felt empty. Reflecting how I felt inside. A small tap on my door announced the arrival of my mum, home from work. She poked her head around the door.
"Get your coat love. We'll be off now." she said delicately, as if the the words were about to fall to peices as she said them. Then dissapeared again. I picked up the small carrier bag, contained a few of my posessions which ment most to me. Then climbing dom from my window seat, I took one last look at my life as I knew it. The only life I had and had ever known. And with one last look around my room, through the tears that blurred my eyes, I closed the door on my life...Forever.
I didn't know where we were going. I could only guess. But deep down, i hoped it would be somewhere over the rainbow....
(this is in the narrative poetry section as well because i posted it by mistake- i'm not sure how you delete it from there...?)
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy and I am on a mission to ensure that every work on YWS no matter how old gets at least two reviews. So here I am even though I know that you will almost certainly never see this.
First Impression: That was quite an emotional piece there. Captures quite a lot despite it being as short as it is. That's really good to see in the first chapter of a book. There's also a fair amount of mystery so that works as a great hook for readers too.
Anyway let's get right to it,
This is a really great opening paragraph. Some nice imagery and also quite an intriguing way to phrase that last line.
Now I'm no expert in Spanish but drawing from my knowledge of Percy Jackson I think you're referring to her aunt and cousins and that talks of some pretty dark backstory which is a great way to start things off.
Well this ending is the part with the most emotion. You can feel the pain that this person must be feeling at having to leave and you can feel that hope for whatever this rainbow is. This is quite the intriguing start.
Aaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: This works really well as a opening to a story although it sounds a bit more like a prologue than a first chapter especially given its length. Overall great job.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Definitely continue. It's all right t leave certain stories unfinished, but only if you've given the reader enough so that s/he can piece together what might happen next. Here, you didn't. But it's still a very strong start to a much longer story. I'd like to know more about the narrator and where s/he is going.
Awwww! It's soo sad! But it's great at the same time! I think you should continue it!
~Lollipop~