Mummy and Daddy have gone to war. Things will never bo the same again. Pushing and pulling. Is it his? or is it hers? They'll get round to me in the end.
Daddy went away. I'm left with mummy. the crying the shouting has stopped. everything seems silent. silence is precious. silence is golden. don't break it. It shatters easily. Handle with care.
I stopped counting the coulours of the rainbow. to me there were but two. Balck and white. White and Black. For good, for Bad. who was to decide? Not me.
Custody? i don't undertsand? I want to live with Daddy. It's simple to me. but to them it isn't. Mummy wants me too. they baoth have a firm grasp. pulling me left, pulling me right. they hurt. the pain doesn't just go skin deep.
The voice in my head tells me to be brave. the voice my head says 'stick it out'. the voice in my head says 'suck up the pain'. is it really that easy? not for me.
I have to stay with mummy. i want to be with daddy. i cry. mummy shouts. i walk away i slam the door. this is the ruin left of our family.
i'll stick it out-I'll suck up the pain. but deep inside i'll always be
Daddyy's girl.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well this is quite the start here. The very first line almost made me think this was talking about some sort of actual war and this person's parents both went to fight in one, but then when you read on a bit, you can see its a different sort of war, although this one now portrayed through the lens of what's quite clearly a pretty young child makes it almost more powerful here. It certainly gets your attention quite quickly.
This part certainly highlights the previous one quite powerfully. If there was any sort of doubt in the earlier part about exactly what's going on, this one smashes that out of the park and makes it quite clear that this whole situation revolves around just this one issue and to see it so powerfully reflected in the emotions of this child is quite the moment here. I think you've done a really great job in terms of highlighting that.
The spelling errors there reached and all time peak and while I don't normally point that out I feel like I must mention that here because its numerous enough to affect the meaning, but otherwise we've got ourselves a pretty solid ending there. It works well with that title and really nails home the point I think so on the whole you've done a really solid job here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
thanks guys! your points really helped!
I agree. I think that's part of the reason I like it so much. It really captures the innocence and confusion that accompany children when they are put through divorce.
I love how childlike it sounds. No offense, but you seem to have caught the simplicity of a child and the innocence.
Good opening line. It captures my attention.
Make this a separate paragraph.
Try something like this:
"Daddy went away, and I'm left with Mummy. The crying has stopped, except for the tears that fall onto my pillow each night when I'm the only one left awake. Everything seems silent. I cling to the quiet: silence is golden, precious, but it shatters easily and must be handled with care."
Mm... Maybe: "I've stopped counting the colours of the rainbow. Once, there were but two: black and white. One for good; one for bad. Now they have smashed together and my world is coloured in shades of grey.
I like the one word opening, that's good. Try something like this: "Custody? I don't understand. I just want to live with Daddy. That one thing seems simple to me, but to them it isn't; Mummy wants me too. They both have a firm grasp, pulling me back and forth. It feels like they're ripping my heart into pieces."
I don't want to sound heartless in ANY way, because I identify with this piece more than you know. I know it sounds cheesy, but even as I edit this, I have this weird ache in my chest that refuses to leave, and that means you're doing a great job. BUT, "the voice in my head" makes me think of two things: "Don't waste your time on me you're already the voice inside my yead..." and "Tell your little voices to shut up; I can't hear mine!"
So, maybe try something like this: "I tell myself to be brave, to stick it out. Suck up the pain. But I'm realizing it's not that easy."
I like the short sentences here... they make me think of someone crying so hard that they can't get anything else but little clips out. That's good; it contributes to the atmosphere... and the feeling that you and your world is being ripped to shreds and there's nothing you can do about it.
I realize that this piece is called "Daddy's Girl", but it really doesn't come into play until much later. Perhaps you could say something earlier that would tie it in better, and make it less abrupt. Anyway.
"I have to stay with Mummy, even though I want to be with Daddy. I cry. Mummy shouts. I walk away. The door slams. I am standing in the ruins of what was once a family.
I'll stick it out, I can suck up the outward pain. But deep inside, I know I'll always be:
Daddy's girl."
I know I'm biased, but just the raw emotion in this piece is absolutely heart-wrenching. Really. You've done an excellent job.
I actually did like this a lot--it is evident you wrote it on impulse, yeah, but it was also well written in that it had a voice, and in that voice the reader found a character with problems--believable problems, and ones that hurt.
Well done.
(I realize that made no sense, but I'm just happy that I'm AWAKE hurray!)
Wow. Even though this had lots of capitalization/punctuation/spelling/typing errors, it still struck a chord with me. I know exactly how you feel. My parents are divorced and I wanted to live with my dad, but had to stay with my mom for several months. It's a horrible feeling and I think you captured that beautifully, with a sweet, childlike innocence.
With a little revision, I think this piece will affect others as strongly as it did me. I don't have time right now, but in the next week or so I'd be happy to go through and nitpick. Let me say once again, however, that I really liked this piece. Just the raw emotion in it was fantastic, so all you need is some revision. Great job.
It wasn't that bad. But I can tell that you wrote it on an implus. All it really needs, though, is more depth to make it feel real.
this isn't that good- i just wrote at the cmputer on impulse. it wasn't really thought through. there are lots of typing erros.
the bit about the colours of the rainbow should be in present tense-
'i stop counting the colours of the rainbow. to me there are but two. Black and white. white and black. for good, for bad. who is to decide? not me.'