Published November 16, 2005
'Hi mum! I'm home!' I walk in and flop down on the sofa. we went through the same routine. Dad walks out out of the kitchen and I say 'hi' He responds with a short tight nod nods and looks at me, the same way he always does. Like there's a barrier. There's something always with me that's screaming out that this man isn't my dad. Something always telling him that i'm not his daughter. I sigh and think of my dad back in Venezuela. I seem to be thinking about him alot lately. How things might have been different.
'iHola papi!'
'iSofia Hola chiquita! ?como estas?'
'Muy bien' I go to hug him and smile. This is my family. and this is my life.
****ok i don't know really weather to bother with this- but the basic line is something happens and then it doesnt really happen but it shows how the situation might have been different if her parents hadn't split up...so tel me what you think. not too sure about the title either...****
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: So this is kind of a fun little story but I can't seem to extract that much meaning from what is happening. I can understand that you are saying that the first part is what happens in real because this boy has a stepfather and then the other part is what might have happened if this split hadn't happened but that beginning is just really rushed. You need to take that apart into a couple of paragraphs and then try and elaborate on pieces here and there.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay that does not really sound like an actual beginning. Its a somewhat confusing summary of an entire story that you have there. It just sounds super rushed and it doesn't make for the best of openings.
Okay not sure that this is supposed to be showing much.
Okay so that plot summary kind of makes sense. It actually seems like a pretty cool idea but I am really not seeing that in the story itself. I can't seem to actually figure what it is that you are trying to say here and that's just making me very much confused about what's going on with the story.
Aaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: So because of what I said earlier I can't really say much on the flow of this or the language that is used. I will say the added Spanish is a nice little touch to subtly indicate some backstory on his actual father and the current situation so that's a plus point. And that's about all I have to say.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
im not sure how to get upsidedown exclamation marks an question marks so i just did a normal one at the the bigining- i suppose i could try and do an 'i' that might look like an upside down one- thatnks for the points tho- reeally helpful!!!!!
Intstead of making another induvidual post, you can edit your previous posts by clicking the little edit button in the top right hand corner. Hope that helps!
The writing in spanish is a great idea. It really inritches the story.
Spelling and grammar sugestions:
'Hi mum!' I walk in and drop my bag on the floor then flop down on the sofa.
Use the qoutation marks not the apostraphies here, also, the word on, repeated rwice in the sentence, sounds a little awkward.
The same routine. Dad walks out out of the kitchen. and say hi. He nods an looks at me. the same way he always does. like there's a barrier.
The same routine is not a complete sentence. Try; "We went through the same/usual routine."
Dad walks out out of the kitchen. and say hi. He nods an looks at me. the same way he always does. like there's a barrier.
I think most of those periods are ment to be commas. Also, you wrote out twice, lol. If you want him to be walking out, through walking out of the kitchen, you need a comma inbetween. Like this:
Dad walks out, out of the kitchen, and say hi. He nods an looks at me, the same way he always does. Like there's a barrier.
Something there thats always screaming out that he isnt my dad. Something always telling him that i'm not his daughter. I sigh and think of my dad back in venezuela. I seem to be thinking about him alot lately. How things might have been different.
Maybe you could consider re-writing the first sentence. It doesn't really make sense. Try...
Something is there with me that was always screaming out that this man wasn't my dad.
Other thing: Capitalize Venezuela, since its a country.
'!Hola papi!'
'Sofia!!! hola chiquita! como estas?'
'muy bien' i go to hug him and smile. This is my family. and this is my life.
Here you need to find the upside down question marks and exclamation points. The apostraphies need to be made into quotation marks, and you need to capitalize Hola, Como, Muy, and I.
Cute and interesting plot line, great, short feel-good story, or prologue to an identity quest.
Well, it would be nice for you to carry on so we can get an idea of what you're trying. A writer should always finish what they start. Something I should look into more.
ok sorry it's supposed to be
'Dad walks out of the kitchen. I turn and say 'hi', trying to force a rare smile. '