Hi AceassinOfTheMoon,
Mailice here with a short review! 
I didn't even know the short story had evolved into a novel until I saw the third part in the Green Room. I'm glad to see that. 😊
The first dialogue between the two is very good and reminds me of that typical bickering between siblings or between the child and parent on a car ride. ("Are we there yet?") The narrator's brief train of thought is also good, and gives you another quick review of what happened.
"Mommy left us, remember?" I replied. "We're on an adventure now."
"Adventures are supposed to be fun," Kamea said stubbornly. "This isn't fun. I wanna go home."
That already gave me a brief twinge. It's such a simple yet expressive sentence that probably describes the whole situation very well. It also gives a very valuable insight into the two twins, and what personalities they have.
They might take us back to Daddy.
Before, you wrote the thoughts in italic, so it should be the same here, or as in the next paragraph. Otherwise it can be a bit confusing for the reader, because even with a first-person narrator there is a difference between the descriptions of the outside world and the inside world.
"Where in God's name did you get that?" I demanded, hushing Astra as she began to cry.
"Don't swear," Kamea said sternly.
Now I don't know to what extent God's name is an English swear word. Either it would have to be changed or Kamea's sentence would have to be changed a little.
Where I'm a little unsure is how much time happened between the escape and now in this chapter. That seemed a little unclear to me, and with the introduction of Mother's guitar, I think a few days could have passed. Also, I found it a little unclear where exactly they were now, as this was not stated anywhere in the text. (Further on in the forest? In a back alley, etc...?) That's probably the only criticism I have now.
I like how one learns more about the siblings in this chapter. The dialogue is well written and doesn't seem "special". Something I'm burning to know is what the relationship between Kamea and the narrator was like before the murder. Because it's a bit strained here. What I like is how the narrator and Kamea differ in character, even though they are twins and therefore the same age.
Now I'm just wondering where the plot will take one. I can understand that the story has to falter a bit now to get used to the new situation. That's why I wonder what the coming chapters will bring.
I was very happy to see that the story continues and I will keep following it.
Have fun with the writing!
Mailice.
Points: 0
Reviews: 1232
Donate