Published August 2, 2007
O where shall we put our faith
Our God, our inner quest
Our every desire for knowledge
Shall I pen it down?
And leave it for dust
Or shall I consume it?
Like a dutiful follower
Or shall I ignore it?
And hope it doesn't arise from the dead
The best is left unanswered
But the child said
Where is God?
Where is where anything
That goes bumping in our mind
I cursed this fruitless hunt
Many times and over
And I said.........
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i dont claim to know alot about the tecnicle side of poety. but i think it makes us think about ourselfs. it askes the qustion where am i personly. thats whut i felt like u were trying to say. i myslef will willingly get into a phlisophicl debat on weather God is real or not (which i belive He is). and i think that its important to think about whut u belive in. not so much on weather or not it rymed.
Hm. Well. The way it's written that's quite a run on but because it has line breaks it must be all right, right, after all that's the way poetry is it doesn't need punctuation.
...Wrong. Punctuation is good. Punctuation is your friend. Punctuation tells the reader how the poem is to be read, with what emotion and what cadence--emotion, in reading, is all about the pauses. You can create tension, anticipation, breathlessness, softness--just about anything you want, really, with the right punctuation. And you have almost none.
Your poem, therefore, is about as emotional as sawdust.
These don't even make sense. Though you're using punctuation of some sort (it's a step), they're fragments, and with the way you've cast them they have almost no meaning.
Arise is a command. Rise is the verb. The latter is correct in this case.
...Huh?
NO. BAD. Do not abuse ellipses in my presence. An ellipsis in the middle of a sentence should be comprised of three periods; that at the end of a sentence, four. Never any more, never any less. Capisce?
I can't even really comment on the content of this poem, because reading it was such a mental strain--and not in the good way. Fix it up and I'll come back for a second (and probably much less stern) go.
Hey there, welcome to YWS
Chandni picked up most of what I wanted to say, so I'll just reiterate a few points:
1. Imagery. You really need to expand your range of poetic devices (metaphors, similes and the like) so that you can better connect with your reader. What you're aiming to do is get them to feel/think/wonder/experience with you, and at the moment this is very much an isolated poem which probably only makes complete sense to you. Try to be more accessible
2. Purpose. Basically, I dont think I really saw the point of this poem. It didnt tell me anything new and it didnt explore an old concept with fresh insight. Try starting out by writing down what you're going to say and then brainstorming what it means to you, how it could be expressed, etc. You might find that by getting things clear in your own head first, you'll be able to write more coherent poetry.
Overall, it isnt my favourite poem but I'm sure you can polish it up a bit. I'll look forward to seeing you around.
Cheers,
~bubbles
First of all it didn't "wow" me. The title already sounded like something I've heard before, but still I gave it a look. Despite myself thinking of it being something different, I was pretty much disappointed.
Describe a bit more perhaps? What inner quest? Which knowledge exactly?
The first stanza lacks a bit flow, I could try and fix it
As you may have noticed I left out the "and"'s and replaced them with the whole verb itself. To my concern it makes the poem flow a bit better. Now the last two lines, I'd recommend to cut them and make them fit the stanza as a whole-structured that is- but since you haven't done that before it would look rather forced. Another option is to leave the last two lines apart from the stanza and create a stanza of their own.
Not to mention I didn't quite understand the meaning of this, are you referring yourself as the child? Cause I expected to refer with a he or she towards the Child, but you chose I. A bit confusing
The way I added the punctuation gave it a twist an made the Child speak in the beginning where at the end of its spoken segment, the I person referring to yourself adds up on what has been said above. I hope that's what you meant after all hehe.
Well the third line is utterly disturbing, "where is where anything?" As you've seen I changed that as well As for the closure, too dull I have to say. You tried to end it "mystically" but I believe that hasn't quite worked. The dots are a major "no-no" repetitive dots have to be used with caution.
Well it was a nice try, I'd suggest you take a look at the following link
Poetry and Punctuation
viewtopic.php?t=12474
All the best.
Cheerios, Chandni