Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.
Ferryn Skene wasn’t the murderous type. Hell she wasn’t even the violent type but as she rounded the corner onto bullard avenue the only thoughts coursing through her head was the many many ways she was going to dispose of Larken and Emric Farr when she saw them next.
“Stop!” The cry tore through the otherwise silent streets drawing her attention to behind her for just a second. A second was all it took to confirm what she’d feared, the yell was directed at her. She didn’t waste a moment before she took off sprinting down the street cursing the brothers quietly under her breath.
The curfew had been in place in Aberlon for over two years as a way to keep the rising teenage criminal population down or so those in power claimed. A complete nuisance if you asked her. Anyone under twenty years old was confined to their houses between the hours of ten at night and six in the morning not that many people actually stuck to it. It was easy enough to dress up to look older and even easier to get an ID that confirmed it after all in a major city like Aberlon the night life was what made making a profit easy.
And it wasn’t like Ferryn was a goody two shoes who followed the law to the letter, she’d been out past curfew more times than she could count but even leaving the house that day had been a spur of the moment decision. Larken had dragged her from the house under the pretence of finding Emric who had been gone just a little too long for his liking. When they found him in the fourth gambling house he’d been moments away from being beaten to a pulp. It had taken all of her persuasion skills to convince them to let him try win back the money he’d lost. She’d intended to be back home by nine, ten at the very latest but she hadn’t bothered to bring anything with her to tell the time or any ID that would have let her stay out so late and Larken had forgotten to tell her that it was eight. In fact it wasn’t until the time turned to half past ten that they deigned to inform her she was out past curfew.
She’d cursed them out right then and there. It wasn’t the first time they’d done it to her and from the amount they did she was almost certain they just wanted to see if she could make it back without getting caught. She couldn’t say she appreciated the fact that they found her potential loss of freedom a source of entertainment.
Her footsteps echoed as they hit the ground breaking the silence in the otherwise quiet street. She didn’t need to look to know she’d gained at least one other officer on her tail, she stood no chance at out running them and going home wouldn’t help either. The run down building at the back of Tourmaline lane was also home to at least seventy other people, a gang by the name of the white razors. And their leader, Colton, would hand her over without a second thought the moment the police were at the door.
Taking a sharp right onto tourmaline lane she raced down the street, straight past the safety of her home. She couldn’t go in, she had to lose her tail first. She didn’t usually come so close to the house to lose them, in fact she usually led them on a merry little dance around the city but tonight she’d almost made it home when they’d caught up to her and really, it was too late for things like this. She was too tired for anything like that. It was why at the end of Tourmaline lane she crossed onto Pyrite Avenue and straight onto Almond Crescent. It was only there she darted into the alleyway up ahead.
She heard the officers slow down behind her, they thought they had her. That she’d messed up but as she approached the chain link fence they’d set up in most alleys to make it easier to catch people like her, she dropped to the ground sliding through the small gap at the bottom of the fence using her momentum to slide herself through.
As the yells behind her echoed out she leapt back to her feet turning to face them with a reckless grin, offering a single sarcastic wave of her hand before she took off running down the other side leaving them to figure out how she’d gotten through.
Ten minutes later she darted across the road slipping in through the front door of the razor’s base of operations closing it softly behind her.
“I’d say that was a new record wouldn’t you Emric?” Larken’s voice rung out, the amusement clear in his words.
“Assholes, the pair of you” She snapped as she slunk down the wall trying to catch her breath.
“Ah come on, you don’t mean that” Emric grinned at her, ignoring the glare she gave him in return.
“Oh I do. I really really do” Came her instantaneous reply.
“Nice of you to join us Ferryn” The familiar monotonous tone of Colton Navarro had the smiles dropping from their faces as Emric and Larken stepped to the side to reveal the man standing halfway up the staircase staring blankly at the three of them.
At twenty two Colton Navarro towered over her, not that he needed to to be scary. No, the lack of emotion on his face and the scar running from his eyebrow to his cheek bone on the left side of his face narrowlu missing his green eyes certainly did enough to scare those around him. The fact that he was also the leader of the Razors was just an added bonus.
“My office” He snapped before he turned climbing the stairs back up to his office. She waited until he was halfway up the first flight of stairs before she followed behind casting a glare in the Farr brothers direction, at least they looked somewhat ashamed.
The house the Razor’s called home couldn’t be said to be the nicest building in the world, it looked almost exactly like every other building in the area. Four stories tall if you included the attic, rusty in places and falling apart everywhere. But it wasn’t like she could complain it was a roof over her head and at least this one she knew what the requirements were.
She followed Colton silently up three flights of stairs to the attic room he’d claimed as his own, he shoved the door open striding inside leaving her to close it behind her.
“Look I know I should have been more careful but Emric and Larken...” She started only for him to cut her off before she could even attempt to explain herself.
“Are not your keepers” He snapped angrily. Shit, he wasn’t just angry then. He was furious. “You know the rules Ferryn! You know how much of a risk we took taking you in and for you to lead the law straight back to our door?”
“Hang on I wouldn’t have lead them here!” She snapped indignantly, she knew she should have kept her mouth shut but she wasn’t going to let him accuse her of putting the others in danger.
“You lost them less than a block from here. Do you not think that maybe they might just put the pieces together?” He asked coldly “Do you not think they could be at the door any minute with a warrant to search the house to arrest you? And in their search for you what do you think they’d find in here?”
“Nothing because you’d hand me over the first knock to save your own skin” She replied stonily “I know how this works Colton, Loyal to a point right? So long as i’m useful I get to stay the moment I become more of a liability i’m out. Trust me, I know how this works”
“Are you quite finished?” He raised an eyebrow at her, it was enough for her to calm down just enough to give him a nod. She hadn’t meant to sound ungrateful she really hadn’t but it wasn’t her fault! “The choice to leave the house is yours. You’re a member of this gang, not a child. There’s no room for you to be both. If you want to stay you need to abide by our rules, by the governments law”
She nearly laughed at that part, it was only the look he shot her that had her thinking better of it.
“In this case getting back before curfew so we don’t end up with the law at our door” He stated as he moved towards the chair behind his desk “Are we clear?”
“Crystal” She confirmed as he sat down carefully in his chair.
“Good” He nodded satisfied with her answer. It was a beat of silence before he asked the next question, his tone softer than before “How did you lose them this time?”
“Broken fence in the alley on Almond Crescent. I left them trying to work out how I got through. They’re not the brightest sparks” She replied, a trace of a smile crossing onto her face now that she wasn’t getting chewed out.
“No” He agreed glancing up from the pile of papers on the table in front of him the corners of his lips tugging ever so slightly into a smile “They’re not. But you need to be careful, keep your head down for the next few days”
“They’re not going to remember me” She shook her head slightly “Isn’t that why i’m still around?”
“You’re around because you’re a member of this gang and we’re not in the habit of chucking people out” He responded tersely “Although if you keep this up we might just be changing that rule”
“I’ll keep that in mind” She smiled taking that as her cue to leave she disappeared out the door without another word.
As bollockings went that had to be the tamest one she’d had from Colton in a long time. Something must have went right for him today not that she’d ask him what it was, he’d tell them all when he was good and ready and not a moment earlier.
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Hello, Acatonthemoon!
Let me just start off with how much I love how you effortlessly conveyed in just one chapter who Ferryn is, her personality and what she's capable of, as well as Colton who I feel as if he's her father figure.
Although, it is all somewhat messy in punctuation. Some places, you were lacking in commas and I even saw a stray apostrophe somewhere... The grammar was engaging, though you could improve by changing your choice of words but still get the same result and even spice things up a little. The chase scene was confusing, sadly with no sense of geography. I felt lost as to whether she was going left or right or around Tourmaline Lane, Pyrite Avenue and Almond Crescent.
Despite its shortcomings, it's an energetic beginning for Ferryn Skene! I really look forward to reading more of your story!
Wishing you the best,
ShallowHouse
I have got a lot of info from this introduction. I have no idea what Ferryn looks like and many readers like a backstory. You gave a nice moral background, but nothing else.
The surprise that the other people gave was quite enjoyable. I could maybe use a stronger ending because readers want to be on the edge and waiting for the next work to come out. Good job.
~S.M.Locke~
Hey there Acatonthemoon! Tuck dropping by with a quick review for you today.
My favorite parts of this first chapter was the way that you included a good mix of action and description. Your word choice was generally very strong and communicated a strong ideas. You used strong verbs, descriptive nouns, and good adjectives that allowed you to capture the essence of an idea in only a few words. It made this very easy and enjoyable to read.
However, there are two main areas I think you could improve in this. The first is in grammar. There were many places where you were missing a comma, had a run-on sentence, and other small mishaps. One or two is easily missed by the reader, but a significant amount lowers the reading level and makes the writing seem sloppy.
Secondly, the pacing seemed a bit off to me. I think allowing yourself to settle into the story where you are writing. There were some areas where you could up the worldbuilding and use some really strong description to paint a picture for the reader in terms of setting. It's pretty rare that I advise authors to increase their description in the first chapter, but in this case I think you have some space to set the world up a little bit more for the reader.
I think that's about all I have for you today! If you have any questions about my review please let me know and I'd be happy to clarify. Your writing style was truly phenomenal, and I hope to read more from you in the future!
Best,
Tuck