It has been three weeks since we went home together. And why should we, after all, you have yourself a boyfriend now. Someone you have to chosen to walk alongside with. I know I said that i don't want us to be in a relationship, and yes i stand true to my word, because I am not worthy of you. Us being together would be like mint on a cheesecake. Utterly distasteful. However, I still cannot wrap my head around you being with that unctuous ructabunde. It is because of him now that whenever I meet a 'Brian', I automatically assume them to be just as ridiculously hollow as he is.
Maybe, just maybe, I would have been okay with him being in a relationship if it was someone like Nancy, or anyone for that matter. It would have at least made sense for a biological waste to be with another biological waste, but........
You being with him does not enrage me, seriously I am not mad. Honestly, I will respect your boundaries, and I accept that he means more to you than i ever could.
Nevertheless, I am disappointed. Disappointed by the parents that raised a child like Brian, disappointed by the society, the people that praise him for his ignorance and his superfluousness, disappointed by him who has already ruined the lives of his past girlfriends, moving on to corrupt you. And especially, by you, who sought to be condemned, believing in words that you know not to be true, you who let herself be bewitched by it all, giving yourself away to a man with no integrity, so not a man at all, or maybe it is just that you chose him, when i was right there. Waiting for your arrival, like an impoverished farmer waiting for rain, or a prisoner waiting for the sun to shine on the day of his release. But here it turns out, the day of my release was to be a death sentence, all while watching you with him.
I can insult him all that i want, but there seems to be no purpose. I have fallen deeper than when you found me. Now that you are gone, taken away from me, I don't know what to do with myself. This all makes me wish that you never even showed up in the first place. That you never thanked me for doing what I would have done otherwise. And that I had not been so sanctimonious. Would have saved me from a lifetime of misery.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,794 Reviews
Gosh, I liked this!
But that's not helpful, is it?
Long story short: I enjoyed this a lot. I'm new on here, and this is the first piece I've come across that really struck me. Love the unique mix of second-person to first-person. I like how you sneak little bits of info in and out.
The main character (in my imagination) seems to be an older man (perhaps 25 - 40) of great vocabulary, poetic, deep, and opinionated but humble.
I get immersed in reading, and then all of sudden, a casual sentence like "I would have been okay with him being in a relationship if it was someone like Nancy, " Words like "okay" and "like" just throw me off. Maybe it's a me problem? I think you should just increase the vocabulary in those sentences. No purple prose; just getting into character.
All else? Loved it. I'd like to see more of your work!
Hi! I'll try my best to analyse and review your work, but just to let you know, this is without any knowledge of Distanced Intimacy- I might leave a review on it later if that would be helpful.
This is a really nice piece of writing, from the POV of someone watching a person they love date someone else. The narrator has accepted the fact their love cannot be, but remarks that she has given into his foolish, selfish game- we know from the get go Brian is a horrible character. They lament, wishing to have never met her.
I love the emotive language used in this piece. The choice of words really drives the whole story across really well. For example, how you described seeing her with Brian as a "death sentence" after such a beautiful metaphor of being a prisoner waiting for the warm embrace of the sun. It is easy to discern, even with little prior knowledge of the context, just how much this person means to the narrator. They feel betrayed and empty seeing her with someone so shallow as Brian, and curses her for it. I also liked how the narrator thinks themselves as unworthy- they too are a flawed character, putting themselves down. They are obviously in a tattered mental state, and sees their prospective relationship with the girl as "untasteful" like "mint on a cheesecake". Great metaphor!
I wouldn't change much about this chapter. Paragraph lengths and phrasing all works! There are a few cases of I being uncapitalized, but that's an easily changed mistake. Personally, I would change the last line up a bit- it is quite hard to read, but it's all up to your choice.
<quote>And that I had not been so sanctimonious. Would have saved me from a lifetime of misery. <quote>
Word choice is on point, but I would put these two sentences into one.
<quote> And if I had not been so sanctimonious... I would have saved myself from a lifetime of misery. <quote>
A little bit more concise, and the ellipsis can leave a lingering sense of regret on the reader.
I loved reading your work. You definitely have a way of evoking emotion through words, and especially in a shorter piece. Keep it up, and have a great day!
- humblebard1
Really sorry for replying this late. I thank you from the bottom of my heart to have spared the time to read my work and review it. This means a lot to me.
Hi! I'll try my best to analyse and review your work, but just to let you know, this is without any knowledge of Distanced Intimacy- I might leave a review on it later if that would be helpful.
This is a really nice piece of writing, from the POV of someone watching a person they love date someone else. The narrator has accepted the fact their love cannot be, but remarks that she has given into his foolish, selfish game- we know from the get go Brian is a horrible character. They lament, wishing to have never met her.
I love the emotive language used in this piece. The choice of words really drives the whole story across really well. For example, how you described seeing her with Brian as a "death sentence" after such a beautiful metaphor of being a prisoner waiting for the warm embrace of the sun. It is easy to discern, even with little prior knowledge of the context, just how much this person means to the narrator. They feel betrayed and empty seeing her with someone so shallow as Brian, and curses her for it. I also liked how the narrator thinks themselves as unworthy- they too are a flawed character, putting themselves down. They are obviously in a tattered mental state, and sees their prospective relationship with the girl as "untasteful" like "mint on a cheesecake". Great metaphor!
I wouldn't change much about this chapter. Paragraph lengths and phrasing all works! There are a few cases of I being uncapitalized, but that's an easily changed mistake. Personally, I would change the last line up a bit- it is quite hard to read, but it's all up to your choice.
"And that I had not been so sanctimonious. Would have saved me from a lifetime of misery."
Word choice is on point, but I would put these two sentences into one.
"And if I had not been so sanctimonious... I would have saved myself from a lifetime of misery."
A little bit more concise, and the ellipsis can leave a lingering sense of regret on the reader.
I loved reading your work. You definitely have a way of evoking emotion through words, and especially in a shorter piece. Keep it up, and have a great day!
- humblebard1