z

Young Writers Society


18+ Language

Distanced Intimacy

by AbstractConfidential


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.

It is summer now. The sun is shining its brightest during noon. The school has just concluded and I am walking out of its premises right now. Sweat trickles down my forehead to my cheek as I pull out my handkerchief to wipe it off. My uniform is covered in sweat. It is that hot today. I walk to the subway and board the train. I don't feel the weight of my backpack. It is there but I cannot sense it. I take a glance around the metro. A man in his forties in casual clothing, probably going to a government office to get some work done as he is carrying a file with him. A group of boys my age, different school. They are loud. Very loud. From the way they speak, one can only be disgusted. I have no respect, no tolerance for such beings. They can die right now and I would give a single fuck.

And then, there is you. The reason I am here, the reason I am. You are from my school, wearing a white shirt, with a blue skirt. You are drenched in sweat too, it just is that hot. Your hair, tied in a ponytail, with a black rubber band. I could live an eternity in those hair. Your legs, shrouded by your black tights. Your shoes are dusty, you are one restless soul. And your watch, that is a damn good watch. Believe me, I would have carried your bag, anywhere, only if you'd let me. Your proportions are way too perfect. Maybe just a little short, but that is part of your charm.

I have seen those other girls, I have seen them enough. And they are nothing, nothing compared to you. Maybe because you noticed me. Regardless of the cause, I have fallen for you. And have fallen for you against all reason. I mean, why else on earth would I be here, in this subway, with all the worst kinds of people, if not for you? And I see how those boys glimpse at you. And I know that you know that, and you enjoy it. You must because that is who you are. Trust me, I know. If I wasn't this civilized, I would have beaten those boys to death and take my word, I am capable of such violence. I believe, to some extent, all of us are. I have merely found a reason to fight for.

This is your station, which means I will be coming after you. This is not a crime. I just happen to be here. You are leaving the station and I still can't get over how majestically you walk. I could watch you all my life, and all the rest of my lives. You are an angel, I just want you to know that. This is the third day of us going home together. I must admit, I am quite enjoying this walk of ours. Ever since you talked to me I knew, I wanted you. You are perfect, you are everything. It is a good place you live in. Safe. At least, no schoolboys are lusting after you. So, I go back to my home. It is quite boring without you here.

I am not sure whether you feel the same way or not. But it doesn't matter. You have given me a reason to live, you have given me something no one else ever could have. And I am grateful for that. I don't really want to be in a relationship with you. I know I am not enough. All I want is to be able to see you every day, smiling, laughing, and being just the way you are. And I will be content, and always in hope of your touch.

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26 Reviews

Points: 900
Reviews: 26

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Tue Nov 14, 2023 1:14 am
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foxtails wrote a review...



this is a very emotionally charged narrative. thats good to have.

your narrative voice is compelling & it offers a very raw perspective on the narrators inner thoughts & feelings. the imagery is another great element. all of the observations of appearance & clothing are excellent pieces of description. this creates rich & textured characters in my mind when reading.

the portrayal of the narrators infatuation with the person is passionate & adds another layer of emotional depth to your storyline. despite this intensity, your story manages to keep a consistent tone throughout. the pacing is well-managed & the revelation of the narrators feelings unfolds gradually.

though, i think the intense focus on the particular person could be reworked. the tone takes some very unsettling turns for me. id suggest to be mindful when it comes to the topic of infatuation like this. its important to approach those themes in a way that does not romanticize unhealthy behaviors & obsessions.

this is a very narrative-heavy piece. i dont see issues with the narrative itself, but i think some elements could be looked over once more.

envy



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I sincerely thank you for the effort it took you to get familiar with my work, an then explain it to me in ways I could not have done myself. I will try to make sure that I do not focus too much on such unhealthy behaviors, as it is really not something I want to encourage.



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83 Reviews

Points: 324
Reviews: 83

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Tue Nov 07, 2023 10:22 pm
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ariah347 wrote a review...



Hello, AbstractConfidential! ˚ ༘♡ ·˚꒰ᥕᥱᥣᥴ᥆꧑ᥱ t᥆ ᥡSw꒱ ₊˚ˑ༄ I hope you find comradery and inspiration here. I'll be serving a yummy donut review🍩

For the sprinkles, let's focus on the good! The first positive here is the emotion. You have strong feelings here. Particularly infatuation with the person that the narrator is viewing. There are great descriptions that make the admiration here palpable and really powerful. You have descriptions of this person who is being admired. The way you have described, not only for the narrator but the other characters, and how you make comparisons encapsulates a visual picture well. This is written in first person point of view and made me feel like I was the narrator. The title of "intimacy" matches the narration POV as this feels very intimate.

My favorite of this was:

If I wasn't this civilized, I would have beaten those boys to death and take my word, I am capable of such violence. I believe, to some extent, all of us are. I have merely found a reason to fight for.


Let's move into the "dough" or what can be improved here. I suppose it is not necessarily "improvements" but interest. This work could benefit from further narration. I would definitely want to read it, as you have something here. I wonder what the narrator's intention is. If the person of affection noticed and talked with the narrator, how did that happen? Will the perspective switch to the female character? This short story brings a few novels that I've read recently to mind. I really would read this further if you decided to write more. Feel free to tag me in it! Wishing you well wherever you are in the world.

With love, .·:*¨ ✘a✘ ¨*:·.



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I know this may sound repetitive, but this is seriously remarkably helpful for me. When I wrote this piece I really wasn't thinking about going any further with story. But I can feel myself wavering now. If I do write something further, I surely won't forget to tag you, even though I don't know how that works.




Don't be sad bc sad backwards is das and das not good
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