Published June 4, 2010
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141,381 Literary Works • 674,386 Reviews
I really liked how you managed to get candy and love - my two favorite things - into one poem. really creative. (:
This is a really excellent piece of work. I don't have anything real to contribute but just to let you know... awsome poem.
Hi there Abstract and welcome to YWS!
Okay, so as far as the poem goes, I like it quite a bit, mostly because it’s kind of dark. But I do have a few nitpicks.
Okay, this line needs some wiggling around I think.
“I took my fill. I am selfish, never offering any. I am greedy.”
I’m not sure, but I think this might sound a little better and it keeps the tenses the same.
‘anyway’ is really redundant here and redundancy can seem very tedious to any reader.
I think using italics and making ‘crave’ bold is a bit of an overkill. Italics would have made the point very well.
Overall though, this is very good and almost…tantalizing.
Oh, and don’t forget to check out the Welcome Forum and introduce yourself to the rest of YWS!
~lilymoore
Welcome to YWS!
This is awesome. You've taken something we are familiar with (love) and have made it play-doh and turned it into something excellant, and shows what it's like sometimes.
I LOVE how you put 'I'm' on a different line. It completes it.
Overall, this is amazing!
Keep smiling!
Rebz
Heh, I know what you mean.
This part stood out to me the most. Very clever!
There are some small grammatical changes I would make to it, but otherwise a good poem. The overall metaphor is just perfect.
(:
very good keep it up
Hello there!
First of all, Welcome to YWS!
This poem's good, very well-written.
Just one thing:
You misspelled something right there.
Overall, i really like this. The flow's good until the end. I like how you personify the chocolate to be really tempting and you managed to make it alive by saying things like:
Really good job! Keep up!
Peace out!
_yuri_