Sweets

by AbsoluteAbstract
  • June 4, 2010
  • Poetry
  • Dramatic

Tasty little promises coated in sugar:
hypnotizing, delicious, delectable, addictive

All in one neat little package.
"I love you."
"I will never leave you."
"You are my one and only."

I took my fill. Being selfish, never offering any, I was greedy.

I ate and ate until I got to the point
of refusing even the smallest portions.
A naseating, sickening feeling overtook me.
It left a bitter flavor.

Couldn't stand the smell,
couldn't look at them,
I have a stomachache.
I didn't realize gluttony was such a sin.

"We'll be together forever."
Please, no more.
I couldn't take another bite.
"Don't you love me?"

I have to give them up anyway.
Sweets are bad anyway.
They fill you up for a little while,
then leave you wanting more.
I don't need it.

My sweet tooth has had an overload.
I've had enough.
Let's quit, cold turkey, but...

I'm
still hungry,
still empty.

I need them,
want them,
crave them.

One bite won't hurt, will it?

Comments & reviews · 8
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MadameCK Comment
MadameCK commented · Sat Jun 05, 2010 11:58 pm

I really liked how you managed to get candy and love - my two favorite things - into one poem. really creative. (:

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SilverSharpie
Comment
SilverSharpie commented · Sat Jun 05, 2010 11:23 pm

This is a really excellent piece of work. I don't have anything real to contribute but just to let you know... awsome poem.

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lilymoore
Review
lilymoore wrote a review · Sat Jun 05, 2010 4:42 pm

Hi there Abstract and welcome to YWS!

Okay, so as far as the poem goes, I like it quite a bit, mostly because it’s kind of dark. But I do have a few nitpicks.

I took my fill. Being selfish, never offering any, I was greedy.


Okay, this line needs some wiggling around I think.
“I took my fill. I am selfish, never offering any. I am greedy.”

I’m not sure, but I think this might sound a little better and it keeps the tenses the same.

I have to give them up anyway.
Sweets are bad anyway.


‘anyway’ is really redundant here and redundancy can seem very tedious to any reader.

crave them.


I think using italics and making ‘crave’ bold is a bit of an overkill. Italics would have made the point very well.


Overall though, this is very good and almost…tantalizing.

Oh, and don’t forget to check out the Welcome Forum and introduce yourself to the rest of YWS!

~lilymoore

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Rebz :)
Review
Rebz :) wrote a review · Sat Jun 05, 2010 7:57 am

Welcome to YWS!
This is awesome. You've taken something we are familiar with (love) and have made it play-doh and turned it into something excellant, and shows what it's like sometimes.

I'mstill hungry,still empty.

I LOVE how you put 'I'm' on a different line. It completes it.

Overall, this is amazing!


Keep smiling!
Rebz :)
:pirate3:

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kukukt007
Review
kukukt007 wrote a review · Fri Jun 04, 2010 11:59 am

Tasty little promises coated in sugar:
hypnotizing, delicious, delectable, addictive

Heh, I know what you mean.

I didn't realize gluttony was such a sin.

This part stood out to me the most. Very clever!

There are some small grammatical changes I would make to it, but otherwise a good poem. The overall metaphor is just perfect.

(:

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mistymoo Comment
mistymoo commented · Fri Jun 04, 2010 4:35 am

very good keep it up :smt003

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Yuriiko
Review
Yuriiko wrote a review · Fri Jun 04, 2010 4:20 am

Hello there!

First of all, Welcome to YWS!

This poem's good, very well-written. :D

Just one thing:

A #FF0000 ">nauseating, sickening feeling overtook me.

You misspelled something right there. :wink:

Overall, i really like this. The flow's good until the end. I like how you personify the chocolate to be really tempting and you managed to make it alive by saying things like:

"I love you."
"I will never leave you."
"You are my one and only."


Really good job! Keep up!

Peace out! :smt004

_yuri_



The simple truth is that authors like making people squirm. If this weren't the case, all novels would be filled completely with cute bunnies having birthday parties.
— Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians