I rewrote this (again) and changed the title. I hope you all enjoy it! ^^
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Lilly:
Lilly sat on the bed, her arms wrapped around herself to warm up. She looked out the window at the blizzard, snow beating heavily at the glass. Suddenly, she heard the door bell ring. Who could that be? She thought, getting up off her bed and making her way over.
She opened the door to see him. His muscle tone body, his sandy blonde hair, and that slight tan illuminating his abnormally bright green eyes. It was Sam, the boy she had ‘fallen in love with’, according to her.
Lilly gasped, her voice not findable as he asked to come in. She just stepped aside, letting him pass. He was covered in a thick jacket, snow falling off onto the floor as he stepped inside. When he brushed past her, she was strangely warm, instead of the coolness of the snow. She shut the door, letting the snow once again beat against it.
She turned to stare into Sam’s eyes, surprised by the softness and caring that filled them. He smiled sweetly and said “Lilly, there’s something I’ve always wanted to tell you: I… think I love you.” His cheeks began to turn red.
She blushed also, along with the half-excited half-surprised churning she felt in her stomach. She could barely breath, and she weakly answered him “I… I love you, too” She smiled as he leaned in, his eyes closed and lips puckered. She did the same, leaning in until she could feel his warm breath on her lips.
She opened her eyes, staring at the white ceiling of her room. Damn it… another dream. she whined in her head, standing up and getting dressed.
The boy:
A boy, about 16 as well, opening his green eyes, only to stare into the branches of a tree. He sat up and looked around. Where am I? he thought, confusion in his mental voice. He stood up and leaned against the tree. The morning sun shined on him, warming his back as he faced away from it. Wait a minute… who am I? he thought with worry. Who was he, anyway? He didn’t know, and no one was around for him to ask.
He began walking off, the dew of the grass feeling cool against his bare, pale feet. He stepped on to the sidewalk. Who am I? he repeated in his mind. He turned and began walking, not to anywhere in particular, but just to somewhere. He appeared to be the only one in that area, so he didn’t have to stop to answer questions.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,794 Reviews
To begin with the negative, I had two major problems with this.
One, your punctuation (but I'm always really picky about that, so if you ever get another review from me you know it's a given now).
Two, your characters. They just didn't feel real to me. When I was reading, I didn't feel as if these two people really existed.
There are some good points to this, though. You had quite a few little details in there that I enjoyed (example: the dew on the grass). Those were nice touches.
Yes, the piece is lacking, but it has potential. So go edit and REACH IT.
Wow. I really like it but I couldn't get the second part about the boy. What was it supposed to mean, I guess this is the prologue anyway. Otherwise the dream was really cute and I can't wait till I read the next part!
-Merry
Great descriptive words. You had very few grammar errors. I don't understand 'The Boy' part, but I guess I'll have to read the first chapter.
Anyway that was a great prologue, I haven't read the first one, but I bet it's just as good. Everything was understandable.
I can't wait to see more pieces from you!
I only noticed one this and it is really petty:
Doorbell should be one word. (told you it was petty
Anyway, I liked this. However, the second part was…really confusing to say the least. You need to make that clear. Does this 16-year-old boy not have a rush of panic because he doesn’t know who he is? Does he not struggle to discover his identity??
Also, that brings about the use of emotions. Lily seemed very…vague. You didn’t really play up her emotions very well. You need to really let her personality shine through.
But other than that, however short the prologue was, this was interesting. I am on to Chapter One!
Okay, I just found this after reviewing your first chapter. But it's not like I missed out on anything big.
Like I said with chapter one, you need more description. You tell us everything in an irritatingly neutral voice and it's not fun to read.
Your characters, although interesting if you look, seem very boring in the way you portray them, especially Lilly. There's nothing about her that makes me want to read on! She's just another stupid love-struck teenager that needs to get a grip on herself and do something real. Your other character is different, but you still don't pull him off very well.
Let me know when you post chapter two because I want to know what's going to happen, I just think that you need to work on your writing more, and then you could have a great story.
Thank you, that really means a lot to me. ^^
it's different. i will admit to that. It does draw me in and want to ready more. so, i will be looking out for future chapters.
good luck.
Night Mistress
Ok, so I've almost completely changed it. I hope you all enjoy the edited version! ^^
Thanks. I'll go through and fix it up.
There are a few clumsy sentences that make your story read a bit awkwardly, but aside from that, I see two major problems with what you have here. Firstly, the way you describe people, even the narrator, doesn't fit in well. It's like you're in a hurry to describe everything as soon as it appears. My guess is that these characters are going to be around for the whole story, so don't big down your prologue with descriptions that can be done later. What's more, they sound forced when you do them this early. Also, it isn't necessary to detail everything he is wearing; letting the reader fill in the gaps sometimes isn't a bad thing.
The other thing, and this is what made me feel like I had to say something, was the reaction of the girl when she found out this guy had amnesia. She giggled. Amnesia way too serious for anyone to giggle at. Saying she'll take him to the police is realistic, but maybe she should be a bit more solemn about it. The way you have it, it sounds like the character is not right in the head or the writing is too unbelievable.
Anyway, they were the major things I had to say. If you have any questions don't be afraid to ask. I'd be happy to help out when you fix things up a bit.