Birth is the start,
Death is the end,
Life is in between,
To which we have to bend,
Wherever it takes,
However it turns,
Sometimes can be controlled,
Sometimes it is uncontrolled,
From your womb to doom,
Its Full of secrets, Full of thrills,
Explore the days,
As your Life Tank spills.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Hi there Abdulwriter and welcome to YWS! Niteowl here to review this poem.
I think the most interesting part of the poem is the shift in the speaker's attitude towards life. In the beginning, it sounds like life is not something we have control over, that there is some fate we are subject to. But then the last two lines bring in exploring the days, which suggests that the speaker is telling us to take more control over our own fates. It's a powerful idea, and one I think could be explored in more detail.
That said, I feel like this word falls into a common trap. Poems about abstractions rarely work. Abstractions are concepts like love, life, death, and happiness (or any other emotion). They're big huge themes that almost everyone has thoughts about, which is why they're so common as subjects for poems. But what happens is that these subjects are so broad that the poem feels general and like anyone could have written it.
So what's the solution? I say it's find a focused thought on your theme of choice, then use imagery and metaphors/similes to make it more concrete and relatable without feeling cliche. For example, instead of writing about love, one might write about the moment they knew the person they were with was "The One". It's still about love, but now it can feel more unique and fresh.
In this piece, I think you have the possible focus I mentioned above over passive fate versus taking action in your life (although if you have some other focus in mind, that would work too). You also have some potential imagery with the "life tank" bit at the end, but you could do more with it. For example, what kind of tank is it? Is it a big bad army tank with the driver smashing all the obstacles in their way, or is it a propane tank just spilling all over the ground with the potential to start a fire that may or may not be realized? Again, you can use this metaphor or any others you find that fit to convey your thoughts on life in a more unique way.
Lastly, I agree with previous reviews about the use of rhyming. It's not necessary and is actually really tricky to pull off well. I find that in free verse, I can find the most powerful words to express my message without worrying about a rhyme scheme.
Overall, this isn't a bad start, but I'd like to see a stronger focus and more imagery and metaphors. Welcome again and keep writing!
Hello Abdulwriter! Welcome to YWS.
Alright, so overall I thought this was a nice poem, but since we're all living and know how life runs essentially, I'd like for you to have something surprising in here. Some twist to the way we see things, some piece of great imagery. Just a thought.
So you just state the facts here- I'm pretty sure everyone knows this. I think what you should do is expand on that last line, so you've stated the obvious, but then say something like, "But life, the journey in between, is what truly matters." because that's what your subject is.
The first line is basically the same as the last line, so it's redundant. You really don't need both here. I see you might've gotten caught up in trying to make everything rhyme- Things don't have to rhyme to be good. For the second line, you might want to add "us" or "you" at the end of it. Maybe you could mention some of the twists and turns that life can take? I think it's generally understood that life does twist and turn, so maybe you could go in a little deeper here. Also, you may want to switch "uncontrolled" for "uncontrollable" in the last line.
First of all, your its should be it's.
That's a great start to a poem, but I'd really love it if you got deeper and more personal with the poem. Don't be afraid to put some emotion in there!
-Falco
Thanks for reading my poem and also for your suggestions. Will definitely look into them.
Hey, here for a review!
Let's just get right into it:
I like the concept of this little short poem symbolizing life, I like the straight forward tone you have to express the shortness of life and how it just is.
The title didn't make me want to read this poem I'll say. It's not fitting, if the "the" wasn't there you could have a new concept of title and it would match your content a bit more.
The rhyme scheme though, is something that just didn't work for me. There are a select few words that rhyme and the rest is just "eh" because it doesn't work. For you, I would take out the rhyme, it doesn't advance your poem and it won't hurt to take it out. But, if you were to leave it in, I would suggest a simple, ABAB pattern or AABB pattern. If you do indeed have a rhyme scheme that I am completely looking over, the whole paragraph probably won't apply.
I'm going to analyze some lines and make some improvement:
These lines seem choppy to me, they are, in a sense, "skippy". I think it might be where you break the lines and have the commas. I can't exactly put into words what seems off about it but you can try experimenting on different sentence structures there and maybe it will sound more fluid and work together more.
Here I don't like how you started off those two lines with the word "sometimes". It makes me wonder "sometimes what" maybe you could start the lines off with "It" or simply "life".
Why exactly do you have "Full" capitalized? It doesn't really enhance any part of the poem, it rather stopped my eyes and made me question why you capitalized it. I would recommend taking it out, or before putting them in, ask yourself the question of: "Will it help with emphasis on a word?"
Overall, this short and sweet poem about life is appealing, I really liked it. I wish you best of luck on your to-be-published works!