You said you liked me,
Then ask to be together
I said yes within a blink of an eye,
Even though I shouldn't have
You said you loved me,
It caught me by surprise
I couldn't help but think,
Did he mean it?
We were the same in so many ways,
Yet different too
People said we fought a lot
I never believed them
You got jealous of someone else,
Ended up showing me how mad you will get
You told me how the others made you feel,
Told me to stay away
So after a while,
I realized......you didn't like him
My friend made you jealous,
He made you break us apart
You said you like two others,
Yet you sit alone
I let go of someone special for you,
And you leave me for some little twit!
What the fuck were you thinking ass hole,
You made me feel like shit all the time
Wanting to know every fucking thing that went on,
I got fed up of your bullshit
So now I'm not sorry we loved,
I am sorry I let you draw me away from...
I'm not sure what the fuck you really did draw me away from,
But I know sure as hell you did
So stop fucking saying we are friends,
Stop all of this pretending
If you want to say all this shit to me,
Do it I can handle it
I was never as fragile as you think ass hole,
So for now we are out of each others fucking ass lives
Thanks for a worry full time baby,
I fucking love you too
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125,016 Literary Works • 672,852 Reviews
I was asked to review this by your friend Cat, so, here goes:
First off, where is your period? It should be at the end. I thought that this could be worded a lot better. Try something like this: "You said you liked me, You asked for a commitment. (In two lines of course.)
"Within" should be 'without'
When you say you said something you have to put it in dialogue marks. So: I said, "Yes." would be grammatically correct.
You change tenses here. you go from 'you' making it personal. to 'he' to making it not personal. Try to keep it stable.
Put in a 'so' in between 'yet' and 'different'. This needs to be a bit longer.
How could you not believe what you did even if you did it? This makes no sense. Once again, where is your period?
You got? Try, "You became" You need to fix and re-word the last line. The very first word doesn't flow nicely with the word above it. Re-write this whole line. You can still have the same meaning, just, fix it.
"You told me to stay away" And again, period?
Whoa, no. An Ellipsis is only three dots. (...) When you use more it just looks ridiculous.
How did he make him jealous. This makes no sense. You have to specify these things. Is this friend liking you? What?
If a friend of his is making him jealous, why does he like two others? This makes no sense! Use a period.
The reason I put all of these stanzas together was because they are all ruined. They all have not so necessary words in them; the cursing. To me, this poem is now ruined. There are better ways to get emotions across that cussing. I'm not saying that in literature you can't do this, it's just that you use it way too much. You need to work on the way you word things. This poem to me was dry and emotionless. For something that should have been exploding with emotion, it was dry and dead.
I'm sorry for being so harsh, but, it's reality. What I did like however was the idea behind it. I think this just needs a serious re-write.
---Jon---
It is a good poem but it's more of like a narrative. Towards the end you started cussing just suddenly and it sort of threw me off. Take some of the unneeded curse words out and it would be much better. The cussing made the poem a little more like a rant. But other than that, bravo. Keep up the good work.
This was a really touching poem i think it's a little more narrative then whatever category this is
one thing though towards the middle it started to get a little confusing and when you started cussing so much at the end it ruined the whole poem and it sort of turned into more of a rant
This was a really touching poem i think it's a little more narrative then whatever category this is
one thing though towards the middle it started to get a little confusing and when you started cussing so much at the end it ruined the whole poem and it sort of turned into more of a rant
...I'm crying now Abby. Thanks for telling me about this! I'm not good at reviewing poetry, but here is my input.
So, I assume that this is in free verse. It shows exactly how you felt about all of this, which is good! I can finally understand how you feel, and so will everyone else who reads this.
Also, you cursed a lot near the end. I know it's rated R (thank you for rating it that!) but I think you did a little bit too much. It's like, "Woah! Where did that come from?" That's because you had not been using that language until that point, and then you started using it a lot.
But in a way that is good, because you sounded a bit sad at the beginning, and then you started to sound really mad towards the end.
So, what I'm trying to say is that it was good to put the curse words, but don't over-use them.
One last thing >>> You either use punctuation or you don't. In this, you sometimes put a comma, and that's it.
My opinion? Just take all the commas out.
I know this was really bad, so I'm going to drag Jon or someone else to come and review this, too.
Good job Abby! *hugs*
*Cat