Choir of Angels

The heavy smoke levitated for a while as she exhaled it into the ceiling. No one imagined that such a gentle, subtile creature could be exposed to so much pain. That so called meaningless sound meant the world to her. There she was, no sound, no agony of the mind yet a simple black out from all human emotions.

She sat down on the bed, and then... a sound. One sound. The natural need for affection grew in seconds. Her breath became heavier as she typed simple words. It was all that mattered. 'Dear Love'. No, it wasn't that simple romance shit. They were different. Shared passion for psychoactive substances, violence and hatred which they kept in their subconsious but never admitted, pulled them towards eachother.

Then, sad reality kicks in as she walks into her hated neighbours house. Joe had no shame, he knew well she was disgusted by him. He was a tall boy, tanned, always smiling with irony. He was a beautiful one, with one ugly soul. Sometimes it seemed that everyone loved him as much as he loved himself. They exchanged. Money for a bit of happiness. The bag of weed went straight inside her white bra and she went. The cannabis daily lifted the heavy thoughts that never actually dissolved, just lifted to the top and as the substances stopped working, crashed right back down on her young mentality. 'Hollywood Undead-Been to Hell' drowned with her. Under the ocean was hell. Yes, it was hell for her isolated self. Time flies, the Queen of Anxiety, the mother, came into the room, staring at her 16 year old child's bloody eyes. Act of violence and anger was a known way of protection. So Gina done that, every single time she was trying to hide something and her dearest mother's worry grew.

Dying for someone is nothing but an escape from pain. Gina believed she would kill for her mother. Love is complicated. A child trying to protect her own mother. She signed her death ceritificate with every word, she killed her own mother which she loved so much. The woman was an incredible thinker but she was too afraid to speak. Gina only learned about real life problems as she discovered the old lady's journal. Every alarming note which Gina was forced to ignore as a sign of 'privacy' and her mother just said goodbye to her sanity.

The mother was extremely magnificent. In her late 40's, the peak of feminine beauty, bleached blond hair falling down her shoulders. Wrinkles, shallow around her green eyes and two visible ones cracking her cheeks constantly reminded Gina of the good times. Her only fault was the mad love for the father of her children, the only man she ever offered her body to. Gina, the child of a mentally unstable mother and an alcoholic, self-obssesed father. A stupid young girl with daddy issues, they laughed. These weren't daddy issues. She hated everyone. Everyone who had the least significant flaws and most incredible abillities. In the process of understanding what the fuck is wrong with her she figured out she must be smarter than every single person around, with no ambitions, she was a born leader, dictator.

As the schizophrenia kicked in, her complex brain fought different toughts. She found herself without any control and then he came. Same body as two years before but a changed person, she could see in his eyes how exhausted he was.

Whiskey was poured when they met for the first time in the real adulthood. Bad way to make a new start but that's how it went. He rolled one big joint, which she wasn't used to back then, and then they talked. As he spoke she could smell every single lie. That was the magic. They both loved assuming what the other one means. Like poets, every word was important. Back then, they didn't know how powerful they were so he invited Gina to come over for a movie. She wanted forgiveness but never planned on arriving. Watching a movie was another way of suggesting sex in that generation. By not coming to the second meeting she sent mixed signals about her expectations. Few weeks later, they met again. The boy was intoxicated as usually, few empty words were exchanged and then again the sound... All they had left was that little sound because of the different lifes they led. Tension at home increased, her mother wasn't part of the family no more.

The young girl and her loving mother moved out. An estate not far from the place they used to live in as a family but far from every memory of Gina's father. The mother had another child, 3 years older, Sam. A great man, who achieved everything in life, had everything he needed including Gina's unusual respect. She learned from him. He was gone by the time the family died. In college, living his perfect life. Intellectually great, he was awarded by different sick systems of this world, it wouldn't mean nothing if she was in his place but as he won the world over she grew more proud of the young man every single day as if it was her child. Never let anyone say shit about your family, her brother was classy, smart and respectfull until the very end.

Depression consumed her so she stopped going to school, pushed everyone away except him ofcourse, and she basically lived on fake happiness bought from Joe. I probably didn't mention that Joe and HIM were good friends but he never trusted anyone truly. He was a difficult one. Dealed drugs, had sex with all the easy ladies and drank till he couldn't walk. Try to imagine how hard it was to admire a person like him. There was a time where he used her to rob a person. She confronted him on the matter and he showed that little bit of shame left inside his gone off mind. That made her believe in him. A year had gone past and the two had no physical contact at all, they stayed talking. The drugs have made him bad, he didn't know who he was anymore. She wasn't sure then if it's out of compassion or is the whole thing real. Ignorance could and couldn't be the word to describe it. She knew about his cruel side but she never tought any less of the boy.

Alcohol in his blood, he grabbed her. Her heart simultaneously went warmer. The brown eyes said 'I love you' which would be so cold and empty with vocals but all he said was that her hands are so feminine and delicate. It meant more than the three over-used words of romance.

Isolated from the outside world, he became more and more brutal. Her, trying to turn him back, help him somehow, altered to his enemy. What was she worth? Just a female that loved him more than anyone. Oh, the adrenaline rush with every typed word.

For the very first time, without an invitation nor a notice, she went to him not knowing what to say. Everyone left him, all the amazing brothers of his left him in the dark. She was the only one that always cared about him. They talked. Everything was supposed to change, the good times were showing. He suggested meetings, opened up. Heaven was coming down upon their relationship.

Then another slip, he broke every contact they've had. The sound deceased. It was the end. End of everything after everything. They say "life goes on", "plenty of other fish in the sea". Not if you found the one. So young but he was the one. Now comes in the fear of never finding a person like that, of never experiencing such amazing love. She wasn't normally a good, warm-hearted girl but he was the lighter that set her inner self on, the fire burning every worry, sadness within her. Her own drastic yet compelling drug. He didn't want to drag her innocence down with him, not knowing the fact that she wants him always and forever.

She rolled a cigarette. Amber Leaf. Puff, more smoke. Satisfaction of ruining your body made her feel so good. Still no sound but he is there leaving her with the concealed hope. Wondering if she should speak out. Another pull of the cigarette. She stares at the bright computer screen, wishing he would know that she's always here if he needs her. Wishing he would know anything. How could he? Gina never had the courage to tell him which makes the whole situation even worst. The cigarette is gone now. Everything that's good always ends, eh? The mentality of a young girl in love, if it makes you happy now that means you should do it and not worry about the consequences. She lost herself and insanity took over.

Elena, a friend. A very good friend has fallen in 'love' and it hurts. Gina sat in the room, again staring at the computer while Elena went outside to meet a boy. He wasn't a good person. He didn't truly like her. For Gina it was agony to watch her beloved friend fall for that fool. He had the irish teenager mentallity. The one where you 'love' everybody you hate, say things you don't mean and do all the nasty stuff that you don't really want to do. Fake kindness is killing this world.

There came another sound, the last one of all probably. Imposed by Gina, put pressure on the young man and he said one hollow word, that meant nothing but ended this sick, twisted love.

The mother was gone to Poland for a week. As Gina lit another cigarette, she heard a doorbell. Slowly walking downstairs incase it's her father waiting to crack up the school attendance issue. She sees a tall, blurry figure in the small window seperating the doors and the wall. Knowing it couldn't be any one else, she walks down and with every step her heart pumps faster, her breath heavier, her legs... by this time, she couldn't even feel them.

He jumped right in not saying a word, he captured her tiny waist and in seconds he bumped her against the wall. They could both feel the chills going down the spine, most intimate moment of their relationship. High of the sudden passion enchanted them into some kind of a dream. It all went so fast but his eyes. His deep pure eyes. She remembered how she loved reading his emotions as they said more than anyone could put in words.

She sat in the room filled with grey smoke. A black cocker spaniel, her dearest friend, leaned against her chest and snored gently. Home was always the best place. The first time staying in a big empty house felt quite good. Coming out of the house was considered exhausting. For once she had freedom. No sound, no cigarette, no mother around. Not having anything was so clear, simple.

That day a very wise man spoke to her. Every word seemed to sink in yet flow out somehow. She did remember the voices. He said the voices are what you are and it made so much sense. Sometimes it may seem like the voices are the attackers but they aren't, you are the voices. Gina's voices competed with eachother for the stability in her mind but there is no need for that. She had the tendency to muffle these with different substances to feel free. That never made her free, there is just more to life than love, drugs. Studying biology greatly devaluated the existence of a soul for her. When she explored the brain structure, how everything is programmed like a computer nearly, it cut every theory about essence of life. No matter how much we try to forswear it by scientifical knowledge, humans will always have some kind of spirit. There is no emotion-switch. After all everything we desire is happiness, for some it's money, for others it's love, family. Gina was too young to know what happiness is for her but settled for simplicity for now. The energy of every human being, every character is interesting.

It was an early morning of March 2014. Gina didn't want to face all them people that day. She stayed in bed with the curtains down, the room seemed so dark, sad. Another war between the voices but she knew well they'll stop. A bit of jazz smoothly filled the room, her hips moved with the flow. For the young girl loneliness was freedom. That sociopath character.

In the late afternoon she took the bus into town, hoping to see Elena. A group of people gathered in Eyre Square meant there was a fight or something worth watching anyway. Then she noticed the ambulance, things must have gotten serious. Getting of the bus she walked quickly towards the scene. Elena in tears, on the clinical gurney screamed at her. Gina's brain went numb. She looked at the blood on her friends jacket dripping down as if it was just some water. Paralyzing, heavy pain of seeing your loved ones hurt. The furious anger took over. She looked towards the group, they weren't normal civilians, a bunch of police officers standing around with a young girl in the middle. One of them was shouting something indistinctly. Gina pushed through them with unhuman strength of a 16 year old, ran towards the girl. Holding some kind of a knife obviously made her deserve the punishment. Desperate throw of punches and then a cut. Gina's left cheek was engraved, the knife cut through her skin like it was nothing. With the blood leaking, her anger grew. Trying to eliminate the weapon she pushed the girl on to the concrete ground and with full force stepped on the arm. Satisfaction of the bones cracking and heavy cry blended together to become so distant. Broken, destroying the flesh. She couldn't stop now. She sat down and drowned her victim with flying fists, one after the other sucked out the left-over life.

Police station. It was worth it. They let her out soon. A big gap in her memory of last night didn't matter. Her father without any words drove her to the hospital. Room 16. Elena was lying down on the bed with so many wires and mechanisms around. She slowly turned her head towards Gina and they hugged. Not knowing what to say or think. The two of them against the world. She couldn't even think about leaving Elena alone in the cold, surgical place so she stayed. Not a single nurse has spoke to her.

The mother is back. Gina discovered the center of her depression as she spent just a few hours with her. The woman had so much hate within herself that everything seemed so bad. She never found anything highly satisfying nor could she appreciate what she has. She had a lot. She had Sam, Gina. Two creatures that she should be talking about with pride. They were the biggest achievement. Two very intelligent and caring children which became who they are because of how she raised them. Gina knew well what she was worth and there was never any doubt about her brother. That's the problem with people these days, they don't even want to see the qualities in others so the real love becomes extinct. Gina could say a good thing about every single person she knew, not that she ever did but she could. Complicated race we are. Maybe the problem stands in people not expressing themselves and maybe it's in them not wanting to see other people's actual character. Humanity is standing on the edge and we are pushing it.

Vibration of the phone. Nasty words were exchanged, why? Sure the two girls loved eachother like sisters. "I never want to see you again". The words ripped her heart out as she wrote them which is kind of funny. She wondered why does she say things that hurt her more than anyone else. Puff, fake happiness. The young girl tried escaping the drastic reality of losing someone you love and she succeeded. Memory fades away as you come to an end of your joint and all is good.

The very deep end. Life is the gateway to hell. Gina lost everyone. The precious sound is gone, Elena will never look at her the same way and the mother just lost it. No one is left there to understand, to help. Maybe it's a bit selfish of her but caring for others and others caring for her was everything she needed. All she wanted was to ask how are things. Not even ask, just know that they were okay. It was that destructive moment where she wanted to ask Elena's 'love' how is she doing, not even knowing if they still talk or not because how could she? Gina was sorry, not sure what for but she was sorry. She didn't mean to say any of that but she did, she always did. That fucking pride never let her show emotions like a normal human. A normal teen would post her problem on Facebook and cry on someone's cyber shoulder but a sociopath like Gina preffered to express pain by blood, weed or alcohol. She just wanted to know how are they feeling.

At the end she realised that she wrote her goodbye note. We all write our goodbye notes. Differently to different people. Caring about some was good, healthy. Gina didn't care anymore. Imagine how it must be to feel nothing but pain. She couldn't get used to the mental scars of her past. They stayed there; shiny, rough surface. Only very intelligent people could understand and she found that one person that knew. He knew everything but he refused to help. Gina couldn't blame him. What if he cared about her? He must have. Then why did he leave her in such a moment of weakness? And she died slowly. Sharp edges of reality cut through her soul, all the flaws of this fucked up world threw punches one after another and the phantoms kicked her as she crawled up to the light. No, they won't even let her die. Torture was way more fun.

Puff. And a break. Break from all this shit. She forgot and laughed histerically as her brain cells wiggled around her broken skull slowly burning out with the joint. And the beat constantly drowned the eardrums. The words, like bullets, shot her one by one and oh my... Now, at the top of the world. Flying around the little, tiny humans. She was above them, they couldn't catch her because she was simply in the air. Like zombies, they reached out and tried to bring her down with them, to make her another copy, corporate slave. A velvet touch of the dry, cemented finger tips smugged her leg as she escaped into the sweet clouds. They looked up at Gina wishing to do the same but had no courage. Then comes the guilt of not trying to talk to the crowd. The ability to set them out of the firm traps they were born in. Set this fucking world of corruption on fire but how would she do it. She would only burn the pure little bit of nature that is left. The things she wanted to demolish were cement, sickly powerful, fire lost the war. Collateral damage, lost lifes in the process of turning hell into heaven by coming to the true purgatory, didn't matter. The dead would become heros saving this race from destroying eachother. It's coming soon. Wait.

The sound. She tried to help again, to fix it. Daniel was really evil. She could see his demons in the light blue eyes. The eyes had such a mystical colour, how could have they been so compelling? He showed his demons a couple of times, usually when they were high but sometimes without the weed, they would crawl out of his oceanic eyes and hit her broken windows by quick shots. Nobody else noticed. It was between them two and they knew how special they were. There was no love or slightest attraction to one another. Just the demons. Forming a deep connection every time their eyes hit as if they were magicians, mind-readers. She could see the evil in him, just chose to leave it.