All through winter,
And all through fall,
They came for her
But she ran past all.
Torn and scared, she ran into the woods,
Where behind the red alder, you stood.
You saw her fight, you heard her call.
Unto her fall, you saw it all.
Ripped with anguish, wondering,
Can she be saved still
Well, you could, you lone witness,
But you never will...
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Canary word: Present
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125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Great poem.
The second stanza puts off the flow so you should go through it and try to even it out a bit. But other than that I saw absolutely no problems with it
I liked how none of the stanzas were very long, letting it flow with it's own current. It was very nice that way and the whole thing fit together very well. The last line was also very good. Wonderful job.
Keep writing,
Alzora
Hello there. :3
Are you from India? Well, I am from India and by your name I can say that you could be from India. By the way, welcome to the site. I hope you enjoy it here.
Nitpicks:
The flow and the rhythm in this stanza are pretty good. It sounds very good while reading. I liked this stanza the most. Just a few changes could be made to it like changing the second line to: “And throughout the fall,” because the repetition of all through just in the next line seems kind of odd. Other than that this stanza is pretty good.
The second line here seems a bit odd while reading. You could change it to: “Just behind the red alder, where you stood.” This might sound a bit better and it will be the rhythm, too.
Change this line to: “Can she still be saved?” This may sound better.
This line confuses me. I can understand what you want to say but the words aren’t placed correctly to make it a bit more sensible. You could edit this.
This was a superb poem. I loved it a lot. The rhythm, the flow was just flawless. And if you concentrate on nitpicks by the other reviewers and mine, too.
Keep writing.
The instance that letting the reader feel the story is there but still need some arrangements. Hmm.. somehow related to my case. lol. Well, keep it up!
I like the meaning your poem implies. The wordings are fine with me, thats all =)
Thank you guys. As far as capitals and spaces are concerned, I'm sorry for being a bit lazy. And I'll start straightaway not being so anymore. ' Unto' stands for until.
Welcome to YWS!
first off, I really liked this, it was good for a first post, and I liked the perspective on things, he could of done something, but he's to cowardly, I guess we all would be in that situation, but still, he could tell someone...
I like how you leave what's actually going on to the reader's imagination, and the imagery is great.
Only nitpicks:
- change the line that sassykat mentioned.
- get rid of the 's' on winters.
- she ran into THE woods.
- backspace on that question mark.
Keep up the writing!
~TInkem
Welcome to YWS,
I love the way this flows! I read it out loud and it sounds spectacular!
Keep Writing,
~FW~
This is great, by the way. It's like a sucker punch to anyone who has watched something terrible, but they chose not to do anything.
If you could maybe make some spaces where needed, it would be great. It confused me until I realized I was supposed to stop at certain points.
By the way, what did you mean when you said "unto"? Did you mean "until"?
I just have a couple things to say about this talent- and tasteful piece. Just that you really should use capitalization if you are going to use punctuation (but that's just me. I love capitalization, but it's never as big of a deal if there is no punctuation either...yet another random quirk of mine) and that the line "but she ran past walls" seemed like a forced rhyme. Maybe, "She hid behind walls" or, better yet, "She ran with her all." Just some suggestions, all I'm saying is that the wording right there could be better.
You have a great piece here, I hope to see more from you! Welcome to YWS, by the way.