Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.
"Jesus, Anna! You've maxed out your card and spent all your cash, can we PLEASE go home now?!"
"Shut up, Marina! You'll soon realize as my new best friend, that I have no budget when my daddy is the CEO of the biggest cell phone company in America. Here, take my bags."
Marina shoved her bags into my arms, and I stumble backward. How the hell can someone buy so much stuff? Anna was such an incredible bitch, that her father is PAYING me to be her friend. No one else wants to. Somedays I even wonder if her boyfriend is being paid to fill that position, too.
"Marina, have you ever considered losing weight? I mean, your curvy figure is fabulous, but my God, your stomach sticks out like your 4 months pregnant! I guess it's normal for someone of YOUR color."
Anna's remark startled me. I cannot believe the nerve of her! Did her parents not teach her manners? Did she even notice that I was the only girl that would actually spend time with her? Sure, she was the epiphany of perfection, a typical, rich, white girl. Black leggings, Ugg boots, a sweater that fit her perfectly toned body. She's so priviledged. I remember something that my mother had told me before she passed away in that horrible attack on the bus she was riding on her way to Manhattan. I didn't see her after she got shot, but daddy said it wasn't good. She'd always told me, "Kill 'em with kindness, 'Rina."
"Yeah, I've always thought about going on a diet, but I could still never look as great as you do, Anna!" I said with the fakest smile I think could've come across my face.
"God, I know. I feel so bad for the people that don't look like me."
Bitch.
Five minutes later, we were standing outside the elevator, waiting for it to open so we could finally get to the first floor and go home.
"OMG, can you believe Jason?! He totally just texted me to ask if I would hang out with him this weekend. I wasted a whole MONTH of my life with that douche bag. Then again, he was an amazing kisser, AND Bentley hasn't asked me to hang out this weekend. Should I go?"
Anna's question tumbled around in my brain for a moment. Bentley was her boyfriend of three months, and treated her like an absolute princess. Jason was the Varsity quarter back, hottie of the century, but my God, he was such a douche bag. He's literally cleaned out vaginas everywhere.
"I don't know, Anna. Bentley might get pretty angry that you're hanging out with your ex."
"You're probably right, I'm so glad you're my friend!" I could see her roll her eyes as she looked back at her phone.
The elevator finally arrived. I absolutely couldn't wait to get away from this blonde beauty bitch. When the door opened, eight other people stood inside. A wannabe, teenage, punk rocker, a big, scary, muscular, middle aged, black dude, a redneck woman and her husband, both in their mid 20's, a business woman in a gray suit, probably around 35, a very elderly old man, his much younger wife, and a younger teenage girl, maybe 13 or something.
"Oh my God, I have to ride in an elevator with this circus?" Anna said as she stepped into the elevator, me following behind her.
"Sorry, darlin'. Didn't know our rights were taken away in the presence of... who're you?" The redneck fellow asked Anna, in a rather sarcastic way. I had to cover my mouth to hide my smile. Anna gasped at how rudely this man had just spoken to her, and stood there scrolling through her Instagram account, silently.
Everyone had confirmed that they were headed to the first floor, and I pressed the dull, round button with a worn number 1 on it. After a few seconds of slowly going downward, the elevator started rumbling, making this terrible, grinding noise.
Suddenly, it stopped.
Everything went black.
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Only one mistake i could fine
--that her father is PAYING me to be her friend. 'is' should be 'was', you are writing in past tense.
Brilliant story i am going to read part 2 when i get a chance!
I would describe the setting a little bit more; give some more life to the world around the characters.
Anyways, it is brilliantly written, and I can't wait to read more!
--Writer'sblock1221
Oh. my. crease! How scary is that? I've never been caught in an elevator but I've heard that it's super scary when that happens! Anna is such a spoiled skank. Like seriously? If there's one thing I admire about Marina is her patience/tolerance of this girl. I wouldn't care how much money they pay me. I would smack that haughty fool as hard as I can across her face and walk out. Okay, so let's get serious. I didn't catch any errors first and foremost and I thought the pace of the story went very smoothly. You didn't bore the reader with meaningless and useless details but you didn't just speed through without providing significant information on what's going on and who the story is about. Overall, it's a great read and you did a great job writing it. Nice work my friend! -IceWinifredd
Thank you so much! It really means a lot!
You're welcome
Hi AaricaRae! Welcome to the site & this crazy family. <3
I’ve read through this twice and I have to say, I think this has some really great potential!
I think you’ve created the parallels between your two characters perfectly. You’ve particularly created the distaste for this Anna very well. You just need to work on us relating to Marina a little more.
Why does she need the money to hang out with this girl? What happened to her Mother? Who’s left to take care of her?
I think your speech could use a little work. Just to make it flow better and keep the reader interested. Again, I don’t think you need to change much with Anna here. She’s great! Just make sure that Marina’s reactions to her words are realistic and relatable.
I love the ending. It’s sharp and clever! Making me want to read more.
Quick note - I think you mix your characters up at the beginning somewhere?
Good luck! Don’t be afraid to drop me any questions at anytime!
Olive <3
Just edited