A Little Birdie

When you look at me
You see a good friend
That’s not what I want to be
But I don’t want it to end

You treat me like the sun
Or maybe what makes it rise
So many times I’ve said I’m done
Thinking all you’ve said were lies

Even if I’ve brought you down
Hurt you when you didn’t deserve it
No matter how many times I’ve made you frown
You’ve never thrown a fit

You’ve never lashed out at me
Always holding me like glass
So long I’ve selfishly
Asked for more without class

So long I’ve ignored you
All the love you’ve shown
You’ve been there for me to turn to
But held back every groan

A little birdie told me
Of all the things you say
As if I were a banshee
I never knew you felt this way

It truly breaks my heart
How you made him promise not to say
Well, I still have art
To express my dismay

Spoiler! :
Okay guys, this is the first piece of poetry I've ever written. I know, it sucks, but I tried. Also, if it's in the wrong category, sorry- I've never been an expert when it comes to poetry.

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
Kale
Review
Kale wrote a review · Fri May 18, 2012 2:05 am

No matter how many times I’ve made you frown
You’ve never thrown a fit

The rhyming was pretty okay, right up until these two lines. They completely broke any flow this poem had, as well as the rhyme. No matter how you look at it, "throw a fit" doesn't feel like a rhyme with "deserve it". Add to that how much longer the frown line was compared to all the other lines around it, and the flow of rhymes is completely broken.

So long I’ve selfishly
Asked for more without class

Here as well the rhyming falls a bit flat. In the case of the selfishly line, it's because it's a bit short. In the case of the class line, it doesn't make as much sense as it could and should, which makes the glass/class rhyme stand out as obviously contrived.

You’ve been there for me to turn to
But held back every groan

These lines somewhat contradict each other in meaning. Fixing the length issue of the first quoted line, you could get "You've been there to turn to / holding back every groan".

The last two stanzas suffer the rhythm issues I've already pointed out. One of the easiest ways to keep a consistent rhythm is to count the syllables in each line. The distance between one rhyming word and its pair should be the same syllable-wise, which will help your rhymes feel more like rhymes instead of relying entirely on being at the end of a line.

For instance, "the iron pot is very hot" feels like a rhyme while "the very hot pot is iron" does not, even though both phrases use the exact same words. That's because the distance between hot/pot is the same in the first phrase.

Rhyme is an extension of rhythm, so to have good rhymes, you must have a good rhythm. Focus on developing a consistent rhythm, and the rhymes will be much stronger for it.

User avatar
tgirly
Review
tgirly wrote a review · Mon Jan 16, 2012 1:06 am

The categories are kind of confusing, it's fine if you posted it in the wrong category. You, and this poem, definitely have potential. If you could just clean up the rythm a little bit, it'd be a nice poem, except, maybe it's just me being stupid, but I don't completely understand the last stanza and I don't really think it fits with the rest of the poem. Nice job, though, hope this helps.



The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma.
— Patrick Star