Chapter 1
"DOCTOR GRAHAMBELL!" said a grey haired scientist."We did it!We finally perfected it!"exclaimed the grey haired scientist.
" Hold your horses Mr.Lawrance",said Dr Issac Grahambell."We need to be one-hundred percent sure that it's stable.We cant risk showing it to the Head if it still has a few bugs",he said.
" As you wish Doctor Grahambell,said Lawrance as he checks the creation again for errors.Mr.Gibbs will you please make us a cup of tea?"asked Lawrance.
Mr.Gibbs nodded obeyingly as he walk out the lab.
" Lawrance do you trust Mr.Gibbs?"asked Issac
" I've known him for 5 years but I still dont know if he has a family.He's not the type of person who talks about his personal life",said Lawrance confidently.
"Lawrance",said Issac softly."I think we have a mole among our organization".
"Are you sure Issac?We must report immediatly to the Heads!"said Lawrance panicingly.
Mr.Gibbs enters the lab bringing three cups of tea ona brown plastic tray.The trio drinks the hot steamy tea spontaneously.
"Gentlemen,congratulation!"exclaimed Issac while holding his tea using his left hand."We have perfected the virus!The Onyx virus!"
BOOM
Pieces of glass,computer parts,concrete dust and computer screen blasted through the air.Computer screens went either blue or blank.Alarms went off.All three of the scientist were now unconscious.A massive hole was now on a wall of super computer.The lights went out.Nine men dressed in black commado gear entered the labrotary.
"Secure them!"ordered the leader as his men drag the scientist body to the black hummer
***
"MR.GRAHAMBELL!scolded Mrs Melissa."The blackboard is here not out the window"
"It should be against the law to sit around learning on a beautifull day as this"thought Nate Grahambell to him self.
The sun was shinning,birds was singing and the flowers were in bloom."Now,where were we class?"asked Mrs Melissa to her students.
"Something about your husband leaving you"said a blonde boy named Jake cheekily.Everyone in the class laughed at the joke execpt for Mrs.Melissa who's face was now red with anger
Before she could scold Jake theres was a knock on the door."Detective James Colin from the police department.I would like to speak to Nate and Nina Grahambell"said the detective in a serious voice.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Oh, and I would also suggest entitaling the story Onyx or something having to do with the disease. Meet the Grambells just sound awkward and just does not fit for the overall story, which is about a disease. I'm not telling you what to do, just a suggestion.
Oooh, write more! Why is the versus called Onyx? Maybe it's a a fake name for the disease, maybe it's being used for a biological weapon for the military.
Do keep in mind the term virus and infection. With a virus, you can can only treat the symptoms and have to let it run its course. With an infection you require antibiotics. I would suggest doing a bit of research on this if you need to. Knowing your facts makes a story more real. Also consider the symptoms so that you can have an idea as to what to name it. It there a reason why it is named Onyx?
Just trying to help. If you have any science questions or anything, you can ask me. Keep writing! I want to know more.
Hello!Thanks for the review.Im not telling spoilers about the story(stay tuned
)As the story expands the title will become more clear.
Considering that English is not your native language, this is very good. You do have a lot of grammar/ punctuation mistakes but your plot is great. It's captivating and has me wondering exactly what this mysterious virus is.
To make it better, I think you could add a little bit more detail about the setting- describe where they are, and also a little bit more detail about what the people look like. (I always have trouble with that)
Overall, it's a great start and I'd love to read more.
Keep writing!
I believe the grammar issues have already been pointed out by my previous reviewers, so I hope you work on those things soon. I skimmed through the comments and picked up that English is your second language? In that case, I suggest you get someone to properly edit it and rewrite it in the best way to express what you want to communicate. Then study that closely to learn more about English grammar rules. You will improve with practice. Also go back to the books you enjoy and really look at how the writer uses language to paint a scene so well that the words melt away. It may help to literally type out a chapter of a good book for practice.
You are a good storyteller, you just need to sharpen your tools! I love the action sequence, I can tell that you saw it very clearly in you mind.
My biggest critique is that you're too heavy on the dialogue and far too sparing with description. In your mind's eye, you take environment for granted because you can see the scene... we can't unfortunately. This leaves things open to confusion about where everyone and everything is. It also means you have just thrown a long list of names at us with no distinctive characters to solidify them in our minds.
I lost track of how many people there were in the first scent and what their purpose was. Include some mannerisms for your main characters, let us know what mood they're in, whether they are serious or laid back, devious or sincere, even happy or sad (these are just suggestions). By the end of the first chapter, we should know enough about these people to want to know more. Right now they are 2 dimensional characters moving around the scene, and I can't remember who is who.
Keep writing!
Hi, Aaradhia!
Punctuation aside, you should avoid repeating things like "the grey haired scientist", because the readers can already associate the line to this person. So, take the second speech tag out completely, and see how the text becomes much more light-weight!
I would recommend that you get look into the correct punctuation first and foremost before publishing your work. This is good for the readers, but mainly for you: you want to get feedback, and you want to get feedback that focuses on the actual story, not your grammar or punctuation. It's also easier to read when all the aesthetic details are in place, and this will mean that more people will read and review your work.
The second part of this chapter, the one that comes after the asterisks ***, seems very separate. Apart from the name "Grahambell" that I already heard in the first part, there's nothing that seems to link this part to the first part. That's why it left me a little confused, unfortunately. I don't understand how we get from a laboratory to a classroom.
The first part seemed pretty cool, though! I can't but wonder what this virus is and why have they created it!
Finally, a few words of reassurance: English is my second language too, and when I joined YWS at 15, I made silly mistakes and didn't understand a lot of the things I read. Now I'm 20 and I can proudly say that I feel practically fluent in English, and so much of the credit goes to YWS! So don't worry abut making mistakes, that's the only way to learn!
Happy writing, and please message me if you have any questions!
Demeter
x
Hey Dementer!
Thanks for the review and advice!I was really excited to post my work on YMS and forgot to double check.
I was going to continue the story but I was in a hurry for lunch.I'm going to continue the story when I'm free
Once again thanks for the advice and review!Have an amazing day,
aaradhia
Hi Aradhia!
Firstly, welcome to YWS! Hope you have a good time here. And also, wishing you a very happy New Year!
So, I adore sci-fi. I'm a geek. And virues. Yus!
But your story needs to stay strong grammatically. When you use dialogues, you need to punctuate. Eg:
"DOCTOR GRAHAMBELL!", said a grey haired scientist. " We did it! We finally perfected it!", exclaimed the grey haired scientist.
Make sure you have your spelling and punctuations all right. I find a quick refresher into the basics very helpful YWS' very own Knowledge Base has some great articles which will be sure to help you.
Besides that, this is very short and I'd like to see what this virus does. There is just some converstaion between scientists and besides that there is not hint of description or character development. So, please do focus more on the next chapter.
Let me know if I can help you with the next installment with a review.
If English is your second language or if you need to chat about anything under the sun, shoot me a PM.
Cheers!
Lava
Hey Lava!Thanks for the review!Yes English is my second language.I'll try to improve on my spelling and punctuation.I'll visit the knowledge base articles and try to find some helpful adivce.Thanks for the review once again and a happy new year
Yay! I'm sure your English will improve by being on YWS. My native language is Tamil and YWS helped my English a lot, to the point where I'm very comfortable speaking in it.
I've updated my post but it isn't fully complete because I was in a hurry for lunch.Hope you enjoy!Cheers