He brushed her curls from her face and promised:
I will be the sea waiting to hold your setting body ,as you lay to sleep at night. I will hold you up to the clouds, so they can refresh you with the dew of condensation. I shall be the cool Caribbean breeze by your ear lobes.
And with wide eyes, she asked ," Are you the guy from facebook ?"
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hey! Forever here with a tiny review!!
Well, this was rather a very interesting one to read. I am afraid that I didn't really get the real meaning of the story but it was pretty humorous.
Okay, so first and foremost, this seems to be a real scene not an imaginary one. So, what is the function of facebook here? From the little I got, it seemed that this girl used to talk to a person on FB. And then.... I am not at all sure but somehow that person got her address. So he came there but she didn't know that he was coming. Or maybe they knew each other in real life and in FB too but they didn't know that they were they same people because they hid their identity on FB. That can be something but I have no idea about the exact thing. Going with my own theory, I guess the person used to send her poetic lines ans she associated those with this person and asked it.
Now to the critiques. I really really feel that it should be lengthened and it should be made a lot clearer than its current state. The readers should be able to reach to a conclusion which they(at least I) couldn't. While it reads good, it doesn't convey any real sense to the readers. It feel like it's a scene taken from a large novel or a larger story and we miss what happened earlier and later.
One thing which I really liked about the story is the metaphors(that is what they are called, I guess). The person seems to be very poetic in nature and has some personality. And about the girl, I don't know what to say but she was rather surprised when he said this. That honestly didn't tell me anything good about her.
Keep Writing!!
~Forever
Is the girl in this story significantly younger than the guy? If the guy has the foresight to say such poetic lines to her, it seems that he'd have had the time, inclination, education, and wherewithal to say something this thought-provoking to get her heart, or at least in her pants. If I were you, I'd develop this story a bit further. How did they meet? What prompted them to finally meet in person?
That could totally be turned into a poem....
*waves* Hello!
Okay, so this is very short... Like wow, I'm not really sure what to say.
1. I'll start with the positive. Nice metaphors! Great use of figurative language, right here. This man or whoever he is comes across as suave and smooth; great with words and using the right ones to get the girl.
2. While the imagery was cute and a nice attempt, I'm afraid it was overshadowed by the tears in my eyes! Your grammar was totally weird here, especially the punctuation. For one, I feel like you didn't proofread this very well, so I suggest you slow down. Second, you don't need a space before a punctuation mark, only after, so be sure to go fix those mistakes. An example would be:
See what I mean? On that note, Facebook needs to uppercased.
3. I don't understand the end of your story. When I think of the guy from Facebook, I think of Mark Zuckerberg, who is the creator of Facebook. Who are you talking about? Are you talking about a post on Facebook, that is more-than-likely about a perfect guy? Or maybe a picture of a perfect handsome man? If so, try to make that more clear, because the punch line of your story fell short.
4. Length. This is way too short. I know I said this already, but allow me to reiterate: way too short. Isn't there more you could've added in? More dialogue, more flirting on the man's part, some names, a description of the location. Maybe some interaction. I mean, the guy is clearly flirting with her. To make it more intimate, why isn't he touching her arm or holding her hand or looking into her eyes or brushing his lips against her ear as he whispers the words lovingly? Something like that, to make it more interesting and realistic.
Overall, I did find this pretty humorous! I did laugh at her reaction, at stating that he is acting like a fictional character from the internet and that he totally isn't for real. Or is he? Maybe he's a poet and just wanted to impress her! Maybe he really does fancy her. It was a cute ending.
I like it! So funny!
I really liked this. Keep it up
Hey! It's Neverland here to review!
Okay to start off I like the idea of this, I also like how you kept it short. Though I will say one thing:
Having someone realise that this is someone they talk to on facebook and never met is a little strange, but hey it's your short story!
I like the way the whole short story is him talking -more or less- but everything he's saying is full of meaing. I love the title! It pulled me in a second! I'm not sure, just hearing that about a promise being told with what I think is a love story, I get excited! < Does that make sense?
Anyway I really liked this piece. Keep up the good writing!!
Neverland.
xx
Hey! I thought this was really funny, but there were a few grammar nit picks I had:
He brushed her ('the' would sound better here instead of 'her') curls from her face and promised:
(")I will be the sea waiting to hold your setting body(, comma should be here) ,as you lay to sleep at night. I will hold you up to the clouds, so they can refresh you with the dew of condensation. I shall be the cool Caribbean breeze by your ear lobes.()
And with wide eyes, she asked (no comma needed) ," Are you the guy from facebook?"
Apart from a few comma-y problems, this was good and funny. Well done!