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A promise

by AaliyahHaqq


He brushed her curls from her face and promised:

I will be the sea waiting to hold your setting body ,as you lay to sleep at night. I will hold you up to the clouds, so they can refresh you with the dew of condensation. I shall be the cool Caribbean breeze by your ear lobes.

And with wide eyes, she asked ," Are you the guy from facebook ?"


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8 Reviews


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Sat Sep 27, 2014 9:09 pm
winterstar wrote a review...



Is the girl in this story significantly younger than the guy? If the guy has the foresight to say such poetic lines to her, it seems that he'd have had the time, inclination, education, and wherewithal to say something this thought-provoking to get her heart, or at least in her pants. If I were you, I'd develop this story a bit further. How did they meet? What prompted them to finally meet in person?




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Sun Mar 09, 2014 5:48 pm
RoseAndThorn says...



That could totally be turned into a poem....




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Fri Mar 07, 2014 4:18 am
Iggy wrote a review...



*waves* Hello!

Okay, so this is very short... Like wow, I'm not really sure what to say.

1. I'll start with the positive. Nice metaphors! Great use of figurative language, right here. This man or whoever he is comes across as suave and smooth; great with words and using the right ones to get the girl.

2. While the imagery was cute and a nice attempt, I'm afraid it was overshadowed by the tears in my eyes! Your grammar was totally weird here, especially the punctuation. For one, I feel like you didn't proofread this very well, so I suggest you slow down. Second, you don't need a space before a punctuation mark, only after, so be sure to go fix those mistakes. An example would be:

And with wide eyes, she asked ," Are you the guy from facebook ?"


See what I mean? On that note, Facebook needs to uppercased.

3. I don't understand the end of your story. When I think of the guy from Facebook, I think of Mark Zuckerberg, who is the creator of Facebook. Who are you talking about? Are you talking about a post on Facebook, that is more-than-likely about a perfect guy? Or maybe a picture of a perfect handsome man? If so, try to make that more clear, because the punch line of your story fell short.

4. Length. This is way too short. I know I said this already, but allow me to reiterate: way too short. Isn't there more you could've added in? More dialogue, more flirting on the man's part, some names, a description of the location. Maybe some interaction. I mean, the guy is clearly flirting with her. To make it more intimate, why isn't he touching her arm or holding her hand or looking into her eyes or brushing his lips against her ear as he whispers the words lovingly? Something like that, to make it more interesting and realistic.

Overall, I did find this pretty humorous! I did laugh at her reaction, at stating that he is acting like a fictional character from the internet and that he totally isn't for real. Or is he? Maybe he's a poet and just wanted to impress her! Maybe he really does fancy her. It was a cute ending. :) I enjoyed reading this!




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Fri Mar 07, 2014 12:22 am
awesomeme4 says...



I like it! So funny!




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Wed Mar 05, 2014 6:10 pm
Karma531 says...



I really liked this. Keep it up (:




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Wed Mar 05, 2014 1:18 am
EscapeToNeverland wrote a review...



Hey! It's Neverland here to review!

Okay to start off I like the idea of this, I also like how you kept it short. Though I will say one thing:
Having someone realise that this is someone they talk to on facebook and never met is a little strange, but hey it's your short story!

I like the way the whole short story is him talking -more or less- but everything he's saying is full of meaing. I love the title! It pulled me in a second! I'm not sure, just hearing that about a promise being told with what I think is a love story, I get excited! < Does that make sense?

Anyway I really liked this piece. Keep up the good writing!!
Neverland.
xx




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Tue Mar 04, 2014 6:09 pm
Aquareed says...



Hey! I thought this was really funny, but there were a few grammar nit picks I had:

He brushed her ('the' would sound better here instead of 'her') curls from her face and promised:

(")I will be the sea waiting to hold your setting body(, comma should be here) ,as you lay to sleep at night. I will hold you up to the clouds, so they can refresh you with the dew of condensation. I shall be the cool Caribbean breeze by your ear lobes.()

And with wide eyes, she asked (no comma needed) ," Are you the guy from facebook?"

Apart from a few comma-y problems, this was good and funny. Well done!





Of those who say nothing, few are silent.
— Thomas Neill