The warm yet lonely wind blows,
As I sit and stare
The judgement may not bother me
As much as this worry.
The worry that
It will dawn over me
Whether I have made this life useful
It may dawn over me
That I have lived those moments with joy
Those, that I regret now
It may dawn over me
That my storms don't end with rainbows
But my rainbows with storms.
This worry eats me up inside,
However I am sure
That this verdict is fair justice
And my deeds will be forgiven
If I am truly sorry.
All the desperation
Ignorance and revenge,
Just may be ignored
And long forgotten.
But I realize
That worrying is no solution
The final judgement:
Heaven or Hell.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,831 Reviews
Hi, Aadygirl!
I love this! And, as Brie mentioned, I feel that this would be better understood if you broke it up into stanzas. In fact, I also agree with her comment that you could most definitely make this a lengthier piece! I did read your comment where you said that it was a piece for school and you had to make it a certain length, but if you wanted to ever extend on it, I think that you definitely have enough material to do so. You could make comparisons of Heaven and Hell and the different ways that people get there. Have you ever read or heard of Dante's "Inferno"? Well, I read it in college, and have been infatuated with it ever since. It is basically a poem that is 300 pages long (if I had to guess) about the different layers of Hell, the different kinds of people there, and the different ways people get sent there. Though, of course, this poem needn't be that lengthy, I just feel that you could extend this piece into something more mature and more meaningful! This piece already says a lot in a short amount of words, but it could say even more if you wanted it to!
Feel free to message me if you have questions!
-FireFox
Thank you so much!
Welcome to YWS! I am SecreteJournalist, but feel free to call me Brie
I do think stanzas would be nice, but if its one big piece, ive seen poems like that too!
I like the general idea for the poem, but I feel it could have a bigger (but not too crazy) vocabulary.
I feel the last two lines are really sudden. It would be better if you introduced the final idea in earlier stanzas, so the last two lines feel more like they fit. My favorite lines are
All the desperation
Ignorance and revenge,
Just may be ignored
And long forgotten.
It seems to flow very well, and it has a nice... ring to it I suppose.
One of my very last concerns, is the first line. The description is well, but, a breeze is so sudden and so far fetched from the last line. Maybe try and add description to it a little more? It is, just a suggestion.
Overall, I like the poem, and with a little fixing up, it will be truly amazing! Keep writing!
Sincerely,
SecreteJournalist
AKA
Brie
Thank you so much for the advice. I had sent this for my school magazine and had to keep it short. I just KNEW it was an abrupt ending!
But thank you, your comment was very helpful.