Published June 30, 2011
Let the sea crash against the rocks
Ans spray kissing the moon
Let the dreams fall apart
And a feeling concur
The lonely souls of two worlds
walk on their own and meet
Come and collide
I'll heal your scars
Come into my mind
I'll show you what is dream
Take a cup of coffee
Or maybe a cappacino
Maybe a tempting black rose
Or a bottle of red wine
In the forest of the night
What immortal hand or eye
Your beauty framed fearless
In my mind's fantasy
Your softness of hair
Into the hands of the dawn
Your a vivid illusion
Of the angel I asked from god
Blue like sapphire
Beneath a dazzling sun
Burning with fire if a crystalline soul
Your laughter that
Never quite reach my heart
Where secrets strike
like untouched pain
Tempt me in the world of desire
Of wanting you
Kiss me softly, tell me you'll love me
Maybe that " I'll never leave"
Maybe we'll dance with all the lights off
Except the candle on top of the piano
Both dressed in black
A little combat of dark tango
Before I slowly walk off to my coffin
And lie down in my bed
Dream into a world of darkness
That kills me in the end
Make me want you
On the last night.
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138,382 Literary Works • 672,113 Reviews
Thanks you for review. Like said my lack punctuation can be credited to my carelessness. One of my many fault's. But yeah I'll work on it. Will work on the imagery too. I'm just a rookie in poetry actually. Started about 3 months back. I'm still rusty so the tutorials was a really good suggestion and I hope I can benefit fully from it. By the way I just wrote a new piece of Poetry "String's of hate and lies". The title might not be apt. I'm afraid. Review's are welcome.
Hi Aadesh!
I'm pretty sure it's you're here. Just a minor confusion. No worries. There were a few spelling errors, but that's okay.I'm not a poetry expert, but I do think a little punctuation could help this. And do remember, not every line should start with a capital letter. There's are a couple of good tutorials on this topic in YWS's Knowledge Base.
I like the transition of ideas, but I'm not a huge fan of the vivid adjective-ish imagery you used. I tend to do that a lot, and I've been working on not using it so much. Because, in essence, you're showing us something/some story and that showing doesn't necessarily need to have such words. Just saying, don't use it in excess. ^^
Cheers!
~Lava
Writing away: Thanks for the suggestions. All the punctuation mistakes can be credited to my carelessness. I'll make sure I don't repeat this. And thanks for complimenting it. You are too kind. =)
Bel: My heartiest thanks to you. It's good to know that people here know when I'm using "Slant Rhymes".
Sohini: Thanks for the advice. I will read other poetry from now on. Punctuation was never my plus point so I'll work on it. And yeah don't worry, I'll keep you updated. =D
YWS welcomes you!
I like the ending. It gives the feeling of yearning very well. You have used simple words, but well chosen and well placed words. I think it's your strong point.
I also like the fact that you started with a traditional romantic imagery of the tumultuous sea and then moved onto the storm in your teacup, modern image of cappuccino. Interestingly, you seem to have quoted (without quotation marks, but it's okay) Blake in the transition of the images.
I know it's your first poem post and although this might be redundant advice but: remember always to read and read poems of various kinds, old and new, from here and there.
It's a good start, just remember punctuation and don't forget to send in your latest works.
Welcome to YWS, first of all.
I really like your poem, it's a wonderful idea. I think the rhyme scheme is good. I see you've discovered "slant rhymes," so your poem isn't too much like Dr. Seuss. Good for you! I can't wait to read more!
Keep Writing,
Bel
Hello I will be reviewing your poem today.
Well I read your poem and I did enjoy it although could use some improvements in the following areas:
-Commas, fullstops etc.
-more descriptions of subjects, emotions, characters,setting
-try putting them in paragraphs
-spelling in some areas need improvement
but seriously, when i read this i hardly noticed it when i first read it as I really like it!
Keep up the good work!
,WritingAway
This is my first post here. Any comment's criticism will be appreciated.