Young Writers Society

Grrr... I see I posted a review on here when I first started... in my dark days. That was very unhelpful I see, so here is my proper version! ^_^

Also, congrats for getting a place in the top three in my contest - it was very close. Anyhow, I will get to the second chapter ASAP so don't worry!

Just a quick overview: I really enjoyed this, and its simple yet effective structure really helped to emphasise it. There are a few troubles I had, see the .doc file fort information. If you cannot open it, let me know and I will change the format

Well, all the grammar is included in there, read that before this:

Impressions
As I have said before, I enjoyed that a lot, but I need to be harsh on the areas I feel lack concentration. Undeniably, this is a prologue - gives a brief insight into the story, a summary of the history yada yada. But, I would like to draw attention to the infodumps. Prologues should have something startling, grabbing, drawing the reader in. There was too much background history for me to care. Leave it there, because it can be fixed.

Use imagery, and some metaphors to give me some of the emotion. You tell the audience that you didn't think you deserved to be called a traitor, so how does your person react? I won't say do this, do that, because it is all part of your style, but you must focus on getting the story down.

But how? This is up to you, but remember to just keep fluent in what you do. Does your character feel the violent storms of grief and horror, or just simply weep? As a monologue, it may steer more towards the first, but experiment and see where it takes you.

Good luck,
Mark

I'd have to agree with both of my imaginative voices. This was insanely good, and I do want to read more. And this was incredibly telly.

Why not bring them into the next few chapters, so we can get to know them personally without being thrown into a deep info dump like this? No one is going to remember anything in this huge paragraph if you just tell us.

Hey! Sorry it took me so long to finally get to this!

Ok, when I first read this I thought, "Wow. This was pretty good. I want to read more." That was the good little voice I heard. The bad voice I heard was, "This was WAYYYY too telly."

I'd have to agree with both of my imaginative voices. This was insanely good, and I do want to read more. And this was incredibly telly.

Most people on this Earth do not know of the existence of the Moon and Sky Empires. I knew, because I was born into the Moon Empire. With the burden of being what we called a Moon Child came magic abilities, things as simple as using the stars to read messages, and even go as far as to travel to and from the moon itself and the sky, where the hearts of the Moon and Sky Empires were. Those with these magic abilities were often trained to ultimately become Wielders, the highest of the three levels of magic. Not everyone who begins his or her training for this is successful, though. I am a prime example of this, since I was only a Charmer, the second level, at the time of my banishment. My life has seemed to go so slowly, while everyone else’s are fast paced; I suppose that is one of the many fall backs of being an outcast, though. As years have gone by, I’ve wondered about the other Children. There were the twins, Kalevias and Kelesana, who were the only other Moon Children. Things had been made difficult for them, though. As if being twins wasn’t hard enough, Kalevias had been blind since birth. Everyday life was a struggle for him, as he was the one with the least advantage. It was hard to believe they were twins because their personalities were so different. Next was Casden, the oldest but most head strong of our group. There was also Faelan, who was quiet natured but could offer good advice when needed. Lastly was Rais, the younger, scrawny brother of Casden. Eventually, though, Rais turned into the tall, handsome young man that he was the last time I saw him, when we were no more than nineteen years old.

As if being twins wasn’t hard enough, Kalevias had been blind since birth.

aedomir wrote:I would genuinlu say that this is one of my stories on the site so far. I really enjoyed reading it, mostly because this is the type of book I am into.

[s]I would genuinely say that this is one of my stories on the site so far. I really enjoyed reading it, mostly because this is the type of book I am into.

It is an interesting take to a novel, but you pulled it off very well. I really enjoyed reading it and would like to see more. I'll go and have a look at chapter one now...

Overall, I liked it and you have talent. This goes into detail, but so much that I found myself drifting away!

Good luck

Mark[/s]

Review from my bad time, my new review is beneath.

Hello,
Originally it was the next installation that I wanted to critique, but I though that perhaps I should
start from this, yes? Also, as was asked, I ignored the first post and scrolled down to the last.

Up there are two sentences that, in my opinion, would look best if they were merged together.

Okay, up to this point, you have everything throughout explained - I really do see Cesarina’s thoughts, and her feeling are shown. Everything is gradual… This sentence, on the other hand, kind of ruins the effect. There is a part about Kalavias, and him being blind, and then suddenly about the two of them as twins again. What more, the sentence says: ‘(…) personalities were so different.’ I know nothing of the other twin’s personality. Kalesana is neither spoken of or described. So. What I would like to see is something done with that sentence - perhaps that part expanded somehow.

From ‘to then’ the sentence falls apart. Perhaps the usage of a semicolon, or simply splitting the sentence up would do something. Or, to be more specific, only the ‘to them’ part is. So, semicolon, or the second option, or whatever else you might think of might clear that up, and would do wonders to that emphasize.

However, what I would like to see more in the story is, for one thing, her friends. The reader knows who they are, yes, but doesn’t really feel Cesarina’s loss. Where you describe them, I would like to see more emotion, and that section expanded a bit. I don’t know, perhaps show us a situation out of their lives, when they were all together? Also, there is nothing about Kalesana. Maybe that was intentional, but if you do want to keep the part about personalities, I would want to see at least one sentence about her.

Hello,
Originally it was the next installation that I wanted to critique, but I though that perhaps I should
start from this, yes? Also, as was asked, I ignored the first post and scrolled down to the last.



Quote:
Most people on this Earth do not know of the existence of the Moon and Sky Empires. I knew, because I was born into the Moon Empire.
Up there are two sentences that, in my opinion, would look best if they were merged together.

Quote:
When my seclusion first began,
‘Seclusion’ again. Consider changing that, perhaps for ‘isolation’, or something like that?

Quote:
I suppose that is one of the many fallbacks of being an outcast, though.
Fall back = fallbacks? Hm… Also (I could have messed it up completely, having read the sentence out loud like three times) the ‘though’. To me it sounds better in the middle of the sentence, lol.

Quote:
Things had been made difficult for them, though. As if being twins wasn’t hard enough, Kalevias had been blind since birth. ‘Things’ doesn’t entirely fit the atmosphere of the story - consider using a different word here? (There is ‘though’ again!) Also, the second sentence. Consider making that the start of a separate paragraph?

Quote:
It was hard to believe they were twins because their personalities were so different.Okay, up to this point, you have everything throughout explained - I really do see Cesarina’s thoughts, and her feeling are shown. Everything is gradual… This sentence, on the other hand, kind of ruins the effect. There is a part about Kalavias, and him being blind, and then suddenly about the two of them as twins again. What more, the sentence says: ‘(…) personalities were so different.’ I know nothing of the other twin’s personality. Kalesana is neither spoken of or described. So. What I would like to see is something done with that sentence - perhaps that part expanded somehow.

Quote:
According to the Council of Caelestis, I was a traitor, to them, to the Sky and Moon Empires, and even to myself.
From ‘to then’ the sentence falls apart. Perhaps the usage of a semicolon, or simply splitting the sentence up would do something. Or, to be more specific, only the ‘to them’ part is. So, semicolon, or the second option, or whatever else you might think of might clear that up, and would do wonders to that emphasize.


So. That was a very interesting start, and it really drew me in. The whole idea of this piece is a fantastic one - from what I have seen thus far, so is the writing itself. Cesarina looks like a very promising character, and the first narration was a good idea And no, I don’t think the storyline as you have portrayed it will confuse anyone. The switching of POVs and times sound really good, at least to me.

However, what I would like to see more in the story is, for one thing, her friends. The reader knows who they are, yes, but doesn’t really feel Cesarina’s loss. Where you describe them, I would like to see more emotion, and that section expanded a bit. I don’t know, perhaps show us a situation out of their lives, when they were all together? Also, there is nothing about Kalesana. Maybe that was intentional, but if you do want to keep the part about personalities, I would want to see at least one sentence about her.

Well. Currently I can find nothing else to be nitpicky about - once again, interesting story line, and Cesarina really intrigues me. Also, if you have any question, or perhaps I have said something very weird, than PM me.


Thank you for posting this,
Cheers,
Esme

I thought I had posted the updated version of the prologue, but apparently not, so you can basically ignore the first post in this thread.

[pre]
Child of Ashes: Outcast
Prologue

To most people, magic is a wondrous thing. A simple flick of the wrist can produce the most beautiful flower; a muttered incantation can make someone levitate.

If I had ever known that my magic would cause such hurt, such hatred, and such suffering, I never would have begun my training to become a Wielder all those years ago. I learned, however, that is better to not dwell in the past and to instead focus on the future. When you are an outcast for as long as I have been, it becomes habit to think of nothing but the past. What else is there to think of, after all, when one is living in seclusion, in an abandoned cabin in the middle of a forest?

When my seclusion first began, I would often find myself looking up to the sky, wondering what was happening up there. Most people on this Earth do not know of the existence of the Moon and Sky Empires. I knew, because I was born into the Moon Empire. With the burden of being what we called a Moon Child came magic abilities, things as simple as using the stars to read messages, and even go as far as to travel to and from the moon itself and the sky, where the hearts of the Moon and Sky Empires were. Those with these magic abilities were often trained to ultimately become Wielders, the highest of the three levels of magic.

Not everyone who begins his or her training for this is successful, though. I am a prime example of this, since I was only a Charmer, the second level, at the time of my banishment.

My life has seemed to go so slowly, while everyone else’s are fast paced; I suppose that is one of the many fall backs of being an outcast, though. As years have gone by, I’ve wondered about the other Children. There were the twins, Kalevias and Kelesana, who were the only other Moon Children. Things had been made difficult for them, though. As if being twins wasn’t hard enough, Kalevias had been blind since birth. Everyday life was a struggle for him, as he was the one with the least advantage. It was hard to believe they were twins because their personalities were so different.

Next was Casden, the oldest but most head strong of our group. There was also Faelan, who was quiet natured but could offer good advice when needed. Lastly was Rais, the younger, scrawny brother of Casden. Eventually, though, Rais turned into the tall, handsome young man that he was the last time I saw him, when we were no more than nineteen years old.

Thinking of our group made me wonder if they were still even alive. I feared the most for the other Moon Children; our race is probably long dead, with the three of us being only a handful of the remaining. As I said before, though, it is better to not dwell in the past, as the hurt from missing your friends, who are the closest thing to family you have, can be too much to endure.

However, the worst I have had to go through was receiving the Burn, as part of my punishment from what seems so long ago. According to the Council of Caelestis, I was a traitor, to them, to the Sky and Moon Empires, and even to myself. The Empress of the Levana Empire herself could not deny that my actions were traitorous.

But I knew the truth even then, and I was not given any chance to tell it to the Council before I was ultimately banished to where I reside now.

My name is Cesarina Vardin. I am the traitor to the Levana Moon Empire. I am the outcast; a child of ashes.[/pre]

I thought I had posted the updated version of the prologue, but apparently not, so you can basically ignore the first post in this thread.

[pre]
Child of Ashes: Outcast
Prologue

To most people, magic is a wondrous thing. A simple flick of the wrist can produce the most beautiful flower; a muttered incantation can make someone levitate.

If I had ever known that my magic would cause such hurt, such hatred, and such suffering, I never would have begun my training to become a Wielder all those years ago. I learned, however, that is better to not dwell in the past and to instead focus on the future. When you are an outcast for as long as I have been, it becomes habit to think of nothing but the past. What else is there to think of, after all, when one is living in seclusion, in an abandoned cabin in the middle of a forest?

When my seclusion first began, I would often find myself looking up to the sky, wondering what was happening up there. Most people on this Earth do not know of the existence of the Moon and Sky Empires. I knew, because I was born into the Moon Empire. With the burden of being what we called a Moon Child came magic abilities, things as simple as using the stars to read messages, and even go as far as to travel to and from the moon itself and the sky, where the hearts of the Moon and Sky Empires were. Those with these magic abilities were often trained to ultimately become Wielders, the highest of the three levels of magic.

Not everyone who begins his or her training for this is successful, though. I am a prime example of this, since I was only a Charmer, the second level, at the time of my banishment.

My life has seemed to go so slowly, while everyone else’s are fast paced; I suppose that is one of the many fall backs of being an outcast, though. As years have gone by, I’ve wondered about the other Children. There were the twins, Kalevias and Kelesana, who were the only other Moon Children. Things had been made difficult for them, though. As if being twins wasn’t hard enough, Kalevias had been blind since birth. Everyday life was a struggle for him, as he was the one with the least advantage. It was hard to believe they were twins because their personalities were so different.

Next was Casden, the oldest but most head strong of our group. There was also Faelan, who was quiet natured but could offer good advice when needed. Lastly was Rais, the younger, scrawny brother of Casden. Eventually, though, Rais turned into the tall, handsome young man that he was the last time I saw him, when we were no more than nineteen years old.

Thinking of our group made me wonder if they were still even alive. I feared the most for the other Moon Children; our race is probably long dead, with the three of us being only a handful of the remaining. As I said before, though, it is better to not dwell in the past, as the hurt from missing your friends, who are the closest thing to family you have, can be too much to endure.

However, the worst I have had to go through was receiving the Burn, as part of my punishment from what seems so long ago. According to the Council of Caelestis, I was a traitor, to them, to the Sky and Moon Empires, and even to myself. The Empress of the Levana Empire herself could not deny that my actions were traitorous.

But I knew the truth even then, and I was not given any chance to tell it to the Council before I was ultimately banished to where I reside now.

My name is Cesarina Vardin. I am the traitor to the Levana Moon Empire. I am the outcast; a child of ashes.[/pre]

I think what your friend did is basically what I'm trying to do, but I'm not sure if what I've written is really heading in that direction. I think what I want to do is this:

-Have it start in first person with what I've written above

-Switch to third while the story of how Ces was banished is being told

-Switch back to first person and continue it with her being twenty-eight years old

Do you think that would confuse the heack out of the reader?

I'm afraid I just kept itching to edit while I read, so if you'd like a more comprehensive critique just let me know, but be warned that my editorial claws are as sharp as my namesake's.

The thing about the Moon and Sky Empires really intrigued me; if I'd read that in the first few paragraphs of a book at the bookstore or library, I'd deffinately keep going. Good work, darling!

Yep, I loved the Hobb books myself and always thought that was a good device she used. Here's an idea: a friend of mine wrote a book (never went anywhere, but very well done) where she did something similar with the italics at the beginning of each chapter. But she used them to carry an almost entirely different plotline (in short bursts, admittedly) about something that had happened years ago, at least from the perspective of the main characters and plot. It was a really clever way of handling exposition without being boring, and it always kept me guessing. Just an idea.

Anyway, I didn't read over the entire thing, but it does look very promising. I'm afraid I just kept itching to edit while I read, so if you'd like a more comprehensive critique just let me know, but be warned that my editorial claws are as sharp as my namesake's. The thing about the Moon and Sky Empires really intrigued me; if I'd read that in the first few paragraphs of a book at the bookstore or library, I'd deffinately keep going. Good work, darling!

I was using the italics as an example. It's something that's done in the book Assassin's Apprentice. I was never planning on putting this part of the story in italics. I was using the italics thing as an example to explain what I want to do with how it's being written (basically the narrative).

Yay! I'm glad you liked it. I'm rather proud of how I managed to write it so far. I just hope I can keep up with it. XD

I like it so far. You have talent.

I'm not sure what you are talking about with the italics, since I don't see any. Is it the special text that is supposed to take the place of the italics? *is confused*

Your first sentence is wonderful. "To most people" is a major hook. It makes the reader question: who wouldn't think that magic is cool?

Great job so far. Keep it up. Even if I'm not sure what is going on with the italics, the writing is very well-done. *cheers*

~GryphonFledgling