Possible Book Proulouge for what i am writing

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okay...so this as a prologue has its issue but judging by what you've said here, it doesn't quite seem to have been intended as a prologue and as far as this premise for a story goes, this is actually quite a interesting idea here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Long ago there was a race of mythical beings that some thought to be monsters. Their nails were inch long claws on their hands and feet, fanged teeth like a beasts, their ears pointes, skin pale like fresh fallen snow, and their eyes had no whites, or pupils they were just al black. Their bones were as strong as steel, their moved quicker and with greater agility than anything to ever exist. Though these forms were distinctive they could recoil their claws, dull their teeth, and turn their eyes to that of a regular person. The color of their eyes in their true and human forms is different for each tribe. These beings were built to survive and thrive. Everyone in their tribe had a specific function and the tribe was lead by a single Alpha.

Before any real appearance of order was established amongst the tribes it was all out turf wars for hunting grounds. The only problem was that innocent settlers died in between these wars. So one day the settlers got fed up and went to a powerful witch begged and beseeched her to end their suffering and torment. But well they begged her the leaders of the 6 biggest tribes took counsel. Their spies in the human camps had informed them of their plot. The tribes made a treaty saying that they would evenly deal the land out to each tribe equally. So they banned together and slaughtered the entire settler encampment.

When they got to the witches temple the 6 tribe leaders marched up the staircase and entered there stood 12 humans with long silver robes and the mark of a sideways hour glass with a line through it. The deal with the witch had been paid for by those 12. The witch banished the 6 tribes to the corners of the known world. After she cast her spell only 3 tribe leaders remained: Zal of the Black Craft tribe, Xen of the Xinon tribe, and Makis of the Oak tribe. They struck and slit the witches throat and with her dieing spell she cursed them that every child born from the blood of a Menchi shall be a Man. And with that The Menchi line looked to be extinct.

Throughout the centuries the Menchi mated with human women and once that Menchi chose a human mate even if that human left them they could chose no other. The mate was to be chose by a ritual. Through all of this the Menchi have stayed hidden … long forgotten by our times. The Menchi evolved with them from running to driving, writing to typing, no school … to high school. This curse that the Blue witch cast has lasted generations and now it will be broken by three unlikely Menchi a thief, a scout, and a prince. 5 tribes stand today with pockets of wanderers and exiled Menchi spread throughout the world. A majority of Menchi inhabit Canada and the northern united states. The Xenon tribe once great is now thief and trades with no hold on the old ways, the Black Craft now assassins, and killers they hold the old ways closer than any, The Isis tribe are blood thirsty warriors bred to be better than other Menchi. And finally the Oak tribe … they are completely off the map. Once great and large in numbers they are now about 30 confined to a small rural town in Muskoka Ontario.

First of all--and this was the main reason I came to review this--the title should be: A Possible Prologue for a Book I Am Writing. And with that covered, let's move on to the review. Comments shall be in bold.

ATreeah wrote:Legend of the Menchi
By: Mack Jenkins

Long ago there was a race of mythical beings that some thought to be monsters. Their nails were They had inch long claws on their hands and feet, they had fanged teeth like a beasts,their ears pointes and their ears were pointed. Their skin was pale 'white'. Snow isn't pale, it's white. like fresh fallen snow, and their eyes had no whites or pupils; they were just al black. Their bones were as strong as steel, theirthey moved quicker and with greater agility than anything to ever exist. Though these forms were distinctive they could recoil 'retract'. 'Recoil' means something else. their claws into nails, dull their teeth erm, dull their teeth? What kind of ability is that? Either you should think of another why to hide their fangs or just scrap the idea all together. , and turn their eyes to that of a regular person I'm sorry, but what do the eyes of a 'regular person' look like? Are they green? Blue? Grey? This is a fantasy world, so do humans there even a have pupils and irises? Be specific. The color of their eyes in their true and human forms is different for each tribe Is this really relevant? It sounds like . These beings were built to survive and thrive Built to thrive? How can you be built to thrive? Thriving depends on various things, it can't be ingrained. Everyone in their tribe had a specific function and the tribe was lead by a single Alpha.

In the times before any real appearance of order was established amongst the tribes, it was all outturf wars were frequent to acquire forhunting grounds. The only problem was that innocent humans settlers 'settlers' is inconclusive and ambiguous. Let's call them humans. died in betweenthese wars. So one day This sentence beginning is so 'once upon a time'-ish. You need to change it the settlers got fed up and went to a powerful witch and begged and beseeched choose one her to end their suffering and torment. But wellwhile they begged her the leaders of the 6 biggest tribes of the monsters (by the way, you need to give these monsters a name) took counsel. Their spies in the human camps had informed them of their the humans' plot. The tribes made a treaty saying that they would evenly deal the land out to each tribe equally Do you think you could explain this sentence? Because it makes no sense to me. So they banned banded together and slaughtered the entire settler encampment Wait, so they just slaughtered the humans without even stopping to consider diplomacy? Why couldn't they simply have made a treaty to not kill humans?.

When they got to the witches' You didn't mention there were many witches before temple 1) Why does the witch have a temple? 2) When was this in the plan? Heck, when did they make a plan? the 6 tribe leaders marched up the staircase Staircase? You mean they approached, entered the gates (I assume a temple has gates or something) went inside and reached the staircase without meeting anyone? Pfft. Where are all the witches? and entered You mean the staircase was outside? there stood 12 humans with long silver robes and the mark of a sideways hour glass with a line through it Was this on the robe or something? Or perhaps on the floor underneath their feet? Or perhaps on their heads or palms? Where was this extravagant mark? . The deal with the witch had been paid for by those 12 And this reminds me: Weren't the humans dead? Didn't the monsters slaughter them before the deal had been finalized? And why twelve? Why is it always twelve? . The witch banished the 6 tribes to the corners of the known world. After she cast her spell only 3 tribe leaders remained: Zal of the Black Craft tribe, Xen of the Xinon tribe, and Makis of the Oak tribe. They struck and slit the witches throat and with her dieing spell she cursed them that every child born from the blood of a Menchi shall be a Man According to you, only six tribes went to attack the witch. Those six tribes were banished to different places. The remaining three tribes were not part of the counsel, and were not part of the treaty, and therefore should have had no part in the killing of the humans and the witch. Therefore, why did they kill the witch? And how? The witch would have known her life was in danger, why didn't she cast the same spell one the remaining three tribes? And what is a Menchi? Is that what the monsters are called? Why didn't you say so before? In short: this makes no sense. And with that The Menchi line looked to be extinct.

Throughout the centuries the Menchi mated with human women and once that Menchi chose a human mate even if that human left them they could choose no other Didn't they kill all the humans? And wouldn't any that remained hate them for slaughtering their kind? . The mate was to be chosen by a ritual. Through all of this the Menchi have stayed hidden … long forgotten by our times. The Menchi evolved with them from running to driving, writing to typing, no school … to high school. Through all of what, exactly? Who did the Menchi evolve with? High school?I thought this was some kind of fantasy world? ThisThe curse that the Blue witch cast has lasted generations and now it will be broken by three unlikely Menchi a thief, a scout, and a prince. 5 tribes stand today with pockets of wanderers and exiled Menchi spread throughout the world. A majority of Menchi inhabit Canada and the northern United States Capitalize the name of countries. The Xenon tribe once great is now thief and trades with no hold on the old ways What remains of the once-great Xenon tribes are lowly thieves and traders with no knowledge of the old ways, the Black Craft are now assassins and killers, though they still hold the old ways closer than any dear. The Isis tribe are blood thirsty warriors bred to be better than other Menchi And how is this so, hmm? Biological engineering? Becoming lab rats? Long story short: this part makes no sense. And finally the Oak tribe … they are completely off the map they have greatly dwindled in numbers, the once large in numbers they are tribe now consists of about 30 Menchi confined to a small rural town in Muskoka Ontario.

If i follow up with a book would any one read?