Young Writers Society

hey, ash.

I will lose the weight I want to, even when it gets rough.

after all the other resolutions centering around personality traits and all that other good, MEANINGFUL (in a morality / personality sort of way -- i don't know quite how to phrase it), this comes off seeming extremely shallow. i know the meaning behind it: you have to push through, and it really does rely on personality and motivation, but the way you've phrased it makes it sound, as i said, shallow, and not on par to everything else. rephrase and it'll be alright.

and I will not choose to stay with them.

hey, let's phrase this the best way we can, right?
firstly, I will not choose to stay with them is weird because isn't this whole piece about CHOOSING? positively? not "not choose"?
which means you'd rewrite it: I will choose not to stay, but come on, "not to stay"? we can say, "I will choose to leave them behind". isn't that much better?!

also, ash, come on~ i know you wanted to get rhymey in the second part, but it takes all the strength away from what came before it, and you leave us on "go have fun?" like, it could be a noble request, really heartfelt, but that's not how it reads. it reads "this is a fluffy happy poem and not serious feelings at all!". i'd delete it all but the demons, part, 'cause that's strong.

let me know through pm if you have any questions!

good luck. with this and your resolutions.