Young Writers Society

Howdy hey, Aonar, Juniper here,

Ooh, a poem about deja vu? I like the idea you're working with here, but your presentation of it is something that could stand to be improved. To name a few:

• REPETITION - I'm not a fan of it in this poem; to be completely frank, the poem is long winded to begin with, so my advice to you would be to trim excess fat, which would inevitably include some of the repetition. The problem I have with repeated words and ideas in this poem is that they happen so close together so it takes longer for the poem to progress onward and that makes me a little sad.

• MESSAGE - I'm not entirely clear on what you're trying to tell us here. I would recommend giving this poem a focus. I understand it's outlining your calamities, but it jumps back and forth between several different ideas and I'm not sure anymore what you want us to take away from the poem.


/two cents

June

Hi there, Aonar5.

I like the subject matter. Futures are important to talk about, and many people can relate to doing something they feel like they've done before.

There are several things about the poem that I'd like to address.
1) This poem is very choppy. The line breaks don't add anything to the poem as they are. They make it rather difficult to read when my head voice has to stop every second because of your line breaks.
2)This poem is rather long. You could say what you're saying in this poem in a much shorter poem. In poetry, less is more, and they way this poem drags on detracts from the poem as a whole.
3) I feel like some of the language is a bit cliche. You start with a cliche, in fact. "Heading down a road" is an overused image. It's overused because it is a simple image that anyone can relate to. What you need to do is find another image that is like that, but a less noticed image. Don't use roads or paths, though. It's been done to death.
4) Using more punctuation in your poem would cut down on the choppiness in it. Punctuation creates connections between words that line breaks and spaces cannot-- I suggest you utilize punctuation.

I really like the language you use in your poem. You have some assonance and alliteration going on there at times, too, and I think that is where your strong point is. I hope that this review was helpful to you. Happy poeting!

Hey AONARS,

Umaima here to review your masterpiece.

Goodness this poem is really great. I must say you are a very very very talented poet! I loved the plot. Each sentence of the poem gave me a clear understanding of what you were trying to tell or show here which was the best plus point in this poem.

My favorite paragraph was:

I guess I'll fend on
my own
because I'm grown
and
because I'm quite used to
being all alone

Half the time
you don't even get to choose your flock
brought together by happen-chance
or circumstance

I swear, in my head I was silently rapping your poem. Right after I post this review I'm going to record myself rapping this; I love it so much now. It really touches my heart, like the song 'Battlescars' by Lupe Fiasco and Guy Sebastian.

However, the way you...oh, how do I say it...??

The way you placed your words on each line (does that make sense?) made it great for a rap (I can't believe I'm talking about rap...) but to me, it made it sound kind of choppy as a poem.
Wait, I take that back.

Some parts seemed a little bit choppy, but in other parts of the poem it made it...wonderful, I guess. Interesting. To me, it went really well with a list, like in:

"To make it all worthwhile,
Whether through friendship,
Or love,
Or both"

Yeah....now, I shall leave, as I would really like to start singing this!! D:

Oh! But, is it okay if I use this in a song? I mean, I don't publish songs or post them on YouTube or anything, but I write them, sing them, and show them to a few friends. Then that's it.

Hey there Speakerskat here to review for ya!

Just real quick, the last line of the whole thing really crushes the hopeful feeling I was getting towards the end of this poem. It was like you suddenly changed your whole idea in one dramatic and harsh turn of events and I was like wait what I really think you should just totally do away with this line, but that's just my personal opinion. Now here is all the good stuff. I could really relate to this poem and felt your emotions thorughly thorughout the course of this poem and I really loved that factor of your writing . It's like the character you are describing is struggeling and just wants to give up but then remembers to keep fighting and keep hoping because they know there is something better waiting for them, they just have to be patient. I liked how your lines were hort, crisp, and to the point and how you went from describing total unhapiness and despair to offering your readers just a taste of hope so that it doesn't totally contrast and go against the idea that you wove throughout the rest of the poem. You really have a very fine poem here and I definatley encourage you to keep writing.

~Keep it up
Kat