Published October 14, 2013
I’m all alone
In the dark
Left to rot,
Without a second thought
The demons;
Are closing in,
Their claws reaching up
And digging in.
I walked a lonely path;
No friends to call my own.
Shadows looming in ever corners
Devils hiding within;
One time up
Ten times down
I could never leave
Without a frown.
He never let me, you see
The Devil never truly loved me
Tricks and cheats,
Lies and sin
Material world
With hate within.
No gift or ribbon
No matter how nice
Will ever truly
Become your life.
I was that way
For eleven years
Until one day
A beam shone in.
A beam so bright;
It burned the sin
With holy power
It blasted through
The devils screams;
Echoed anew
For none can stand
Against the power
Nor life nor death;
Nor any hour
The love of Christ
So pure and true
Shall never
Abandon you.
Upon that day,
I was freed
Led to God
A magical being
What is this power
That you may gain?
From simple trust
That is a pain?
The answer is simple
It is not trick nor trial.
To become so strong
You must simply smile
And with a wave
Reveal the love
He has given you
And share it with grace.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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128,851 Literary Works • 671,497 Reviews
wow! this is beautiful. i do like how it ties to God at the end, being a christian, i can relate. the flow of the poem is very attractive. it's exclusively realistic.
Hey JC here for review day!
This poem had amazing flow. I don't focus on grammatical or punctuation errors so I only saw one. I feel it takes away from the words if people just focus on those and that is their whole review.
"Shadows looming in ever corners" If I am not mistaken I think its Shadows looming in every corner.
Now to the fun part of the review the flow and anything else. This is where I feel I can help people the most.
It flows very fast and very nice up until "One time up Ten times down" I completely understand what you're going for with this, it just seems to halt the flow you had.
"No gift or ribbon
No matter how nice
Will ever truly
Become your life."
It picks up really well here again and this is also my favorite part of the poem.
I like how it ties into God at the end that's very nice. I liked this poem alot. Really subtle and really strong at points. It had a nice twist at the end and is easy to let people read it.
Good job and keep on writing
-JC
Really good poem, I would never believe that you are 13!!
Howdy!
Nargles here to review for you, hope I can be of some help.
So, first up, I liked this poem, it was nice, sad and happy all at the same time.
You use simle language well, and tell a really great story without making things to complicated. Good job!!
The one thing I had a problem with is your use, or lack of use, of punctuation. The whole first half there isn't one punctuation mark. While this would be ok, it isn't because you then used punctuation towards the end. The first half reads as one really long sentence and the reader has to decide when to pause and stop by themselves. It just doesn't work for me, use no puntuation at all, or use punctuation constistently in the right places. I recommend using punctuation because it makes things neater.
As for the whole God concept, I liked it. I'm an atheist myself, but I liked how you tied it in.
You have a nice message in this poem which is really good. And you show it well, meaning that the way you wrote the poem was good.
Anyway, that's all from me. Good job and keep writing!!
Nargles xxx
Love it!! Really like how you used Christ in this. However, Biblically, I do disagree with the last part. You said all you need to do to be saved is smile or do an act of love. That is not true. We are not saved through works, but through believing on the gift of God, Jesus Christ and his death on the cross. As far as the writing tho, I really like this. The beat and rhyme were both at times a teeny bit off. Other than that, great job!! Keep writing.
Lady Celestia, the Golden Knight
Yep, I know. I meant it differently, but i fixed it. :3