Molten Metal part 1(Last Stand Book 1)

by ANADIR

Published February 2, 2014

12+

In Last Stand

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It wasn’t a big secret. All the nations had been trying to discover one of humanities greatest wonders, telekinesis. When Man puts his mind to something, there is nearly nothing that can stop him. It took some time, but we figured it out.

In the year 2070 A.D., scientists discovered how to activate telekinesis in a human mind. There wasn’t too much to it. Inside the brain, there were ‘blocks’ of a sort placed. They stopped the human mind from functioning completely. Only about three percent of the human mind was actually used. There had always been a few people who controlled the power, but even they never used one hundred percent of their true power.

The scientist in question, Dr. Blake, discovered something great. Something powerful. He discovered magic. And with it, he made the biggest mistake Humanity has ever made, or ever will.

Dr. Blake paced around his lab. The long awaited machine was finally done, and its first occupant was now in it. The procedure of removing the mental block was instantaneous, but it would probably take some time for the power to sink in.

There was a thud behind the heavy metal door.

“I’m ready, Dr. Blake. I don’t feel any different. Are you sure this worked?” The voice sounded muffled.

Dr. Blake opened the reinforced door, and a thin man stepped out of the room.

“I’m sure it worked. Why don’t you try using the telekinesis?” Blake asked.

The man shrugged. “How do-”

A box on the other end of the room rocketed into the air. It slammed into the ceiling, and smashed itself into a pulp.

Dr. Blake’s heard slammed against his chest. His pulse quickened, and he jumped up and down.

“It worked! I did it! Anyone can do telekinesis now!” Blake cried in elation.

The man spun the ruined box around in fascination. “Amazing! This, Dr. Blake, will make you rich!”

Dr. Blake grinned. “Quickly. Go and show everyone. Make sure to show the ones with the most money first!”

The man grinned, and stepped towards the door. However, his foot never hit the floor. It lifted, and continued going upwards. A moment later, he was plastered against the ceiling.

“Dr. Blake! What’s happening?” He cried.

A terrible feeling settled in Dr. Blake’s gut. The cold realization of what was happening bounced around inside him, making him feel sick.

Dr. Blake plopped down into a chair. “My friend, I believe I unlocked more than just telekinesis. I want you to try something. Imagine the gravity around you reversing.”

The man immediately fell to the ground. “What just happened?” He whispered.

Dr. Blake stared at his hands. “The mental blocks didn’t just stop telekinesis. The old stories about magic. How many of them are true? Just what have I unlocked?”

The man stood up, and leaned against the wall. He continued pushing against it, and the wall gave in. It shattered before the thin man, crumbling to the ground in a mighty crash.

Dr. Blake shook his head in horror. “What have I done?”

He was still shaking his head when the police arrived and took the machine from him.

**********

A nameless soldier stood amid the battle. It was the second time this week, and he could feel jitters running down his spine.

The opposing forces were charging towards his small battalion, but there were no missiles or guns. He shuddered. This wasn’t right. War was waged with guns, not-

A ball of fire crashed into the opposing force, sending men flying.

That was the signal. His forces charged forward, and crashed into the enemy like a raging wave. He sent Power forward, and the opposing soldier in front of him went sailing into the air.

Next to him, several soldiers suddenly flattened into pancakes. He winced, and continued assaulting the enemy.

**********

“This war must stop.”

All around the room, heads nodded in agreement.

The ambassadors from all the nations had gathered in a single room, and the threat of utter annihilation hung over their head like a cloud bursting with rain.

“Earth was not built for this. We must have killed off at least a quarter of our population! Whoever wins this war will rule nothing more than a dung heap of old, forgotten relics!” A man cried.

Another Ambassador stood up. “First, we must call this war off. We must sign a treaty. This war must end, and before another man dies. I have an idea, that might calm this troubled land. Look here…”

All the ambassadors in the room leaned towards the man hopefully, to hear his plans of peace.

**********

A single man stood in the middle of the Strahov Stadium. Around him, the seats and even the field was filled with people of all ages. Cameras recorded him, and broadcasted his message all around the world; At least what was left of it.

“People! You all know why we are here. This war has been destroying us. In the span of a short year, we have killed over one quarter of our friends and sisters. I stand here before you, as a representative to the new earth. The countries are all one. So, let this be the final message. We are at peace! The war is over, and a new age will dawn. Peace be with you!”

The sudden silence was broken by a loud thud.

The ground under him crumbled, and split apart. He toppled into the small abyss, and the ground slammed shut over him.

Another man made his way onto the field from the crowds.

“Fool. You want to recreate what was destroyed? There can be no more government. We need something new, and no one will rule over us as before. You are the Old Order, an old forgotten relic. I speak for the New Order! People, listen to me! Do you want to be under their thumb again? Or do you want to learn how to use this Power found by Dr. Blake? Make your choice now! For, the New Order declares independence from the Old! Stand if you are with us!”

More than three quarters of the stadium rose to their feet. In the rest of the living world, many more did the same. The man cackled with delight.

“As a final gift to the Old Order, we will leave you with a small patch of land, suitable for the small amount of fools that stay with you! But, in one year, we come for it!”

The people that had stood roared in agreement, and all poured out of the stadium, leaving the rest stunned and horrified.

**********

The cloaked man swept through the hospital like a fragment of wind embodied into a person.

He slipped into the birthing ward, and entered a room. Before him, a man in a doctor’s suit stood with several babies bundled up in a trolley.

The cloaked man nodded to the other, and grabbed the trolley. He threw a sheet over it, and rushed out of the hospital.

Several miles away, in a small, underground room, wind began to blow. A moment later, the man and the trolley appeared.

Several other men hurried forward, and took the children from him.

The cloaked man pulled his hood off, and sighed. “You will return them to their mothers when you finish, right?”

The other shrugged. “If none of the projects succeed. You know we need a secret weapon. If these children can be tampered with, and their block removed before they mature, they could be more powerful than any before. We must defend our land from the New Order.”

The first sighed. “I understand. Peace be with you.”

He was gone in a rush of wind, and the second man sighed. They were the Last Stand. And they would protect the Old Order, no matter the costs.

Jinx stood wide-eyed as he watched the cloaked figures of the Last Stand walk along the line he stood in. Occasionally, they picked out a kid, and spoke to his parents. Every once and a while, they would take the kid out of the line, and put him into a little line behind them.

Jinx had been orphaned for two years now, ever since he was thirteen. His Powers were minimal to none, so getting into the revered Last Stand was a mere dream in his eyes.

He watched the cloaked man stop at the kid next to him, and look him over.

The man shook his head, and the boy’s face fell.

“Do not be disappointed. We need people to heal this earth just as much as we need those to protect.” The man reassured the boy, and walked to Jinx.

His piercing blue eyes burned into Jinx’s.

“Boy, I want you to focus on this rock.” He said.

Jinx frowned. “Excuse me?”

This wasn’t part of the procedure. He had seen it before. The Last Stand soldier would peer at a child, and then move on.

“Just focus on the rock.” He repeated kindly.

Jinx gulped, and stared at the rock. He willed it to move, or do something.

The rock laughed in his face, and did nothing.

He glared at the rock, as if challenging it to deny him victory.

He could feel a distinct heat coming from the rock, but that wasn’t enough.

He continued glaring at the rock, willing it to do something.

The soldier yelled out, and dropped the rock. It hit the ground, and stayed there.

The man shook his hand wildly, and gave Jinx a funny look.

He bent down, and yanked on the stone. It didn’t budge.

Another soldier walked over to him. “What’s going on here?”

The man grunted. “Try to pull that rock out of the ground without using Power.”

The other soldier shrugged, and yanked on the rock. It didn’t budge.

“Did you do this?” The second soldier asked the first.

The first soldier shook his head, and jerked a thumb at Jinx. “He superheated it. I think it was by accident. It’s funny, the detector could barely sense his power.”

The second shrugged. “He’s coming with us then?”

The first nodded. “He could be an asset to the Last Stand.”

He took Jinx firmly by the shoulders, and led him to the small line of huddled kids.

Jinx could almost hear his heart slamming against his chest. He had made it! Now all he had to do was survive the training.

The soldiers combed down the line of children, picking out a few more. They sent them to the back of the line, and then prepared to leave.

The soldiers surrounded them, and Jinx felt his body shift. He hurtled forward, and the surroundings changed instantaneously.

Gone was the park, covered in newly planted trees and grass. What refilled his vision was a dark room, with light peeking through shut curtains.

Jinx picked himself out of the pile of children, and looked to a Last Stand soldier for instruction.

The soldier pulled his hood back, and motioned for the others to do the same.

Jinx looked around at the group of elite soldiers in awe. There was an even mix of men and women, and they didn’t look any different from someone he would run into in the streets back home.

A woman stepped to the frightened group.

“You have all been accepted into the Last Stand. You understand the work you have ahead of you. You will have little time for anything else. If you wish to back out, do so now.”

Not a single kid moved.

The female soldier grinned. “Good. From today onward, you are a new person. Forget anyone back at home. You can go find a room and settle down. You will have one roommate.”

She waved impatiently at the group, and they all scattered towards the various doors around the room.

Jinx hesitantly chose a door at random, and walked into the hallway behind it.

There were several rooms on each side, and small metal plates next to the door.

Some of the metal plates had names in them, and others didn’t. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that the doors with blank metal plates were the available rooms.

Jinx walked to the closest door, and pushed it open.

It creaked mightily, and revealed a tidy, if slightly dusty, room.

Jinx looked around it warily, and slowly walked inside. It had two beds inside, on opposite ends of the room.

Jinx headed to the one on his right, and sat down in it.

A minute later, a voice sounded from a loudspeaker.

“All right. I’m going to assume you’ve all found a room. If there are any of you still wandering around in a hallway, get yourself inside a room now. We’ll let you sleep today since you’re all probably exhausted. But, your training starts tomorrow. Be ready to learn.”

The voice shut off with a snap, and crackled for a moment before leaving the room in silence again.

Jinx looked around the bare room, and frowned to himself. Was this what he had wanted? It was better than the streets, but everything was so…dull.

Jinx sighed, and laid his head down on the pillow. He could worry tomorrow.

He slowly began to drift into sleep when he awoke to presence in the room.

Jinx’s breath caught in his thought, and he froze.

There was a slight glint as light bounced off a reflective surface. A knife.

Jinx lunged out of the bed blindly, and grabbed the intruder’s arms, and lifted him into the air, all while his eyes were screwed shut in horror.

He slowly opened his eyes, revealing a person in a hoodie held aloft by four black arms something like what he had seen in an old cartoon about a man with eight robotic arms on his back.

The intruder struggled weakly. Jinx stared in awe at the massive arms, and then returned his attention to the person.

“Who are you?”

“Does it matter? The room had a vacancy, so I came in! What’s wrong with you?” A high-pitched voice yelled.

“You had a knife!” Jinx replied.

“Are you kidding me? I was holding a mirror.”

The person pulled a small handheld mirror from his pocket.

Jinx felt his face to begin to heat up. “Sorry, I didn’t know. I thought you had a knife.”

“Can you just get me down from here?”

Jinx glanced back to the large things holding the person in the air.

“Ah, I don’t know how I did.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me. Try moving them.”

Jinx tried imagining the claws opening, but nothing happened.

“How?” He asked.

“How do you open your hand?” The intruder responded.

There was a blur as the appendages suddenly hurled the person at Jinx. They were both thrown into the wall.

“Couldn’t you have set me down normally?”

Jinx grinned elatedly. “I can’t believe it! I did magic!”

The figure pulled their hood down, revealing a roundish face and glossy black hair.

“Of course you can, stupid. Everyone can.” The girl responded.

Jinx shrugged. “I couldn’t do anything. This is amazing!”

The girl grunted. “Good for you. Mind letting me up now?” She asked.

Jinx reddened, and pushed the girl off him. He scrambled to his feet, and inspected the large arms.

He hesitantly walked up to one, and lightly pressed his hand against it. It shuddered, and collapsed to the ground. It sank downwards, and disappeared through the floor.

Jinx stared at the spot where it had been as the girl got back to her feet.

“What’s so interesting?” She asked.

Jinx looked at her. “I’ve never done anything like that! I told you!”

The girl rolled her eyes, and a floated up into the air.

Jinx’s eyes widened. “What power is that?”

The girl dropped back to the floor. “It’s just Gravity. I have it strong.”

“So, what’s your name?” Jinx asked.

The girl sat down on the other bed, and pulled her sweatshirt off. She tossed it onto the floor.

“I’m Ella. You?”

Jinx sighed. “Jinx.”

He lay back on his bed. “We might as well try to get some rest. I’m pretty sure we won’t get another chance.”

Ella muttered an agreement, and laid back against her pillow.

Jinx did the same, and drifted off into oblivion, thoughts of magic pulsing through his mind.

In what felt like a moment later, there was a loud bang on the door.

“Get out of bed! Your ability evaluation starts today!”

Jinx scrambled out of bed, and nudged Ella.

“Get up!” He hissed.

When she didn’t move, Jinx shoved her. She tumbled out of the bed and onto the floor.

“Ouch! What was that for?” She cried.

Jinx hurled her hoodie at her. “C’mon! They’re going to evaluate our powers!”

Ella blurred into motion, and shoved the hoodie on. “Let’s go!”

They ran out of the door, and looked around wildly for the person who had awoken them.

“There he is!” Ella said, and pointed down the hall.

They caught up with the man.

“Do we just follow you?” Jinx asked.

The soldier seemed to acknowledge them for the first time.

“No. Just head down the hall and the Commander will lead you to the training area.”

Ella gave him a nod of thanks, and they rushed ahead towards the doorway at the end of the hall.

Jinx opened the door, and they slipped into the room behind them.

The woman from yesterday was standing in the middle of the large room. The floor was covered in sea blue matting, presumably to allow the instructor to toss students around without killing them.

“You should have been here a five minutes ago. You were the first ones alerted to our training session.”

“Miss, How fast to you expect us to get up? We didn’t get any warning!”

The woman threw her jacket off, and there was a crackle of ozone.

“You will refer to me as Commander. You wouldn’t have gotten any warning if the New Order attacked. Today, I’m going to figure out what talents you have so I know what hole to toss you into.”

Commander kept a straight face the whole time, leaving Jinx unsure if she was joking or not.

Commander snapped her fingers impatiently, and a small blue spark leapt off of them.

“Get over here.”

Jinx and Ella hurried over to her.

“What abilities do you know you have?” She asked.

In response, Ella lifted off the ground and flipped midair. She landed against the celling, and stood upside down.

Commander immediately drove a jab into Ella’s stomach, and Ella doubled over.

There was a pop, and Ella fell back to the ground holding her stomach.

Jinx stepped towards Ella, and glared at Commander.

“Why did you do that?”

Commander rolled her eyes, and her foot rushed up towards Jinx’s chest.

He lunged backwards, and he felt sparks flash across his skin, burning it lightly.

“What are you doing?” Jinx yelled.

“The best way to learn what direction your talents lie in is to beat it out of you. Defend yourself!”

Jinx stumbled out of the way of another kick, and backed away from Commander.

“Stop running away! I’m not using any of my powers other than a little zap when I hit you. Don’t make me chase you around, or you’ll regret it.”

Another kick shot towards Jinx, and he was forced to raise his arms into the air to block it.

There was a loud zap as the kick hit his arms, and he was shot across the room.

He tumbled across the floor, and came to rest against the wall.

He shook his head to wipe the sparks from his eyes, and looked around for Commander.

He spotted her lying on the floor, straining to get up. Ella was standing over her, eyes closed in concentration.

“Jinx, hurry! Knock her over the head or something!” Ella yelled.

Jinx ran forward towards them, but Commander suddenly rolled, and was standing again.

“Your gravity control doesn’t cover large areas. You have to work on that.” She said.

“Ella? Do you have any powers other than Gravity control?” Jinx questioned.

“Not that I know of. I’m good with gravity though. Use your powers!”

Jinx gulped. He still had no idea how to control the things from earlier.

Commander sprinted towards Jinx, and held her hand behind her as if she were about to throw a baseball.

She hurled a ball of sparking lightning at him, and it narrowly missed his face. It seared past him, and spattered against the wall.

Instead of running away, Jinx charged at her.

Commander slowed slightly in surprise, giving Jinx time to roll under her legs and pull one of his shoes off. He chucked it at her head, and it bounced off with a thump.

Commander looked at the shoe in surprise.

“Don’t you have any Power?” She asked.

Jinx shrugged, and threw his other shoe at her. She dodged it, and it smacked into the wall behind her.

Commander made another two balls of lightning.

“If you don’t fight back in real, I’m going to ramp up my power.”

Jinx gulped, and tried to call the arms from earlier.

Commander suddenly disappeared.

Ella doubled over, and Commander flickered into view in front of her.

Commander hit her again before Jinx could react, and Ella slumped to the floor. Commander tossed Ella overhead like a sack of dirty laundry.

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
Magenta
Review
Magenta wrote a review Review · Feb 2, 2014

Hello ANADIR,

This is Magenta here to quickly review your novel, Molten Metal Part 1 Book 1, which you have summated to YWS for us to review. Happy Superbowl/ Groundhog's Day, by the way. Anyway, I have a few comments and suggestions to make for you.

"It wasn’t a big secret. All the nations had been trying to discover one of humanities greatest wonders, telekinesis. When Man put’s his mind to something, there is nearly nothing that can stop him. It took some time, but we figured it out."

I would first like to congratulate you on your beginning. Many people have trouble starting their short stories and novels and begin awkwardly or to obvious. I always think of beginning a novel with a hint of mystery to draw the readers curiosity and attention. You want your reader to get a feel of your writing by making sure that it isn't too extravagant or bland when you start or the reader may be discouraged. The only pick I have on this beginning paragraph would be the third sentence, "When Man put’s his mind to something, there is nearly nothing that can stop him." I am not quite sure on whether or not "man" needs to be capitalized though I understand that you mean mankind as a whole. The wording of "put's" is confusing. I am sure that you meant "puts" or tried to make a contraction out of "put his" but then decided otherwise. The correct way, I think, would be "put his".

"The scientist in question, Dr. Blake, discovered something great. Something powerful. He discovered magic. And with it, he made the biggest mistake Humanity has ever made, or ever will."

I would suggest putting some emphasis on these words. Maybe by italicizing the word powerful. It's just a suggestion and it isn't really important but I think it will give the right idea. I am also not sure whether "humanity" needs to be capitalized here.

"**********" I would just suggest centering these asterisks. It would look more formal or normal. I know that that is a minor detail in your story but I still think it would look nicer. ;)

In the middle and towards the end, I felt that you had too much dialogue. There was no time for the characters to reflect and it eliminated the mood in that area. I think you could also use the dialogue to add some description by saying she said something while do something else. You don't want to waste your dialogue when you use it. Having too much dialogue makes the reader feel like the conversation it not real because it runs too long. I would just suggest changing that.

" They called a worldwide truce, and spent years licking their wounds."

You don't need the comma here between "truce" and "and". It may make the sentence look awkward with the unnecessary punctuation marks in your story.

"They took ten babies from hospitals, and worked tirelessly on them to attempt to create the ultimate fighter. When no oblivious results showed themselves, they returned the children to their mothers, and attempted other things. Unknown to them, one of the babies wasn’t quite the failure they thought."

I feel like you keep feeding us the information instead of describing the situation with descriptive words and imagery. It seems like you could work on this. Just a suggestion, though. :)
"Unknown to them" sounds a bit odd if you read it to yourself. I think you could reword this sentence by saying, "They were unaware that there was one baby that wasn't a failure." The sentence was contradictory because you said that this was unknown to them but at the end you said they thought so the reader wasn't sure of this.

Other than these few things, great job! I hope to see some more of your writing here at YWS!

~ Magenta ;)

ANADIR replied · Feb 2, 2014

Ah, thanks! in regard to the asterisks, I did center them. the upload system here must have changed them back though. XD. I just edited the chapter, so I should probably upload the new one. lol

User avatar
Ruby68
Review
Ruby68 wrote a review Review · Feb 2, 2014

I really like your idea, it's very original. There were some things I noticed that could be changed, but other than that I really liked it.

For starters the sentence “When Man put’s his mind to something, there is nearly nothing that can stop him." "put's" should be puts.

This is more of a style choice but “In the year twenty seventy…” could change to: In the year 2070...

More surprise and emotion from Dr. Blake and the patient. This is a life-changing event for the patient and Dr. Blake probably has a lot riding on this. Also, when he finds he has unlocked magic he should be more shocked, he's done more than he ever meant to.

The line “‘Quickly. Go and show everyone. Make sure to show the ones with lots of money first.”’ doesn't really fit. This is a planned experiment maybe Dr. Blake calls a news crew or something to get this public so he can sell these powers to the masses.

You use a comma after almost every time you use the word “but” which is incorrect. Sometimes you use the word unnecessarily as well. For example “But, the Old Order knew they had to stay one step ahead of the New.” Could simply be The Old Order knew they had to stay one step ahead of the New.

The sentence “But, The countries came to realize their foolishness before the worst could happen”
Use a word like fortunately instead also you say before “the worst” could happen, specify what “the worst” is. Also inflict more emotion in a sentence like this, you’re talking about people dying, possible world destruction, everything in ruins. Now that people have these powers you need to show the effects on war. People are magical that would change everything about war.

The sentence “They had no name, and only one goal. To create a child who held more power than any before.”
Should be: They had no name, and only one goal: to create a child who held more power than any before.
Why a child? Is it so said child can train their whole life for this singular destiny of bringing the Old Order back to power? This needs to be further explained. Also, how were the children taken? Were they given willingly by their mothers to be experimented on? This seems unlikely. Did they just choose the babies at random, or were they searching for certain traits?

Keep the character of the LS child “inspector” guy constant. First he seems nice, reassuring the boy that he’ll have his place, that not just the powerful people are important. The next minute he seems rather rude as he asks Jinx “‘Did I stutter?’”

I like the personification when you say “The rock laughed in his face, and did nothing.”

The sentence “They returned back to the line of chosen children, and sent them into place.” Is confusing. I’m not sure what is supposed to be happening here.
The sentence “Jinx’s breath caught in his thought, and he froze.” is similarly confusing.

When Ella walks in why does she have a mirror out? It seems unlikely, though if you explain it, it could fit nicely.

Overall, I really enjoyed this work. It's a really good idea and a new take on telekinesis and magic. Good work and I hope to see the next chapter soon!

~Ruby

ANADIR replied · Feb 2, 2014

thanks! I'll make sure to fix it! :D



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— alliyah