Don't Leave

Hi, LyricalRebel here to review your work.
Your poem reflects a lot of meaning but the most general idea I imagined instantly is death - the reality and pain of it.
Sometimes when I'm alone, I think of these thoughts, too. How can I face these struggles without him? What if we are separated by death? There's a lot of what ifs for me. You depicted emotions in a very sensual way. I like your poem. Good work!

Hello! I'm back to do another review!

While I truly enjoyed this poem, It was definitely lacking. The rhyming scheme was choppy and unorganized, leaving a bad impression. However, the final three lines were excellent, above average. The scheme there added character to this piece. They also had a perfect meter. I read it slower, hearing heartbeats in my head, adding drama to the poem.

Making it almost impossible to breathe

That's why under my breath I always silently whisper

"Please Don't Leave"

Really touching...You can be (if you are than it's well and good) a very passionate lover:-)....The feeling of detachment, of being separated from your lover by that natural force called death is so lucidly penned down...The lines-

"Because I'm not the only person that could feel your touch

Death could one day touch you too

And I'll be sitting there feeling as lifeless as you do"

Now that's what i would like to call a tragedy of love in just three lines...the cold hand of death will touch your lover, but it is you who will feel the coldness more than your lass...But for me, there is a sweet thing, a "thing of beauty" to it (Keats of course)...the thing of beauty is the togetherness of the lovers even in death...in the unknown cosmos of darkness (death) where only sadness prevails, there is this sweet bond of two lovers, the bond of eternal love, which is enough to lighten up the entire darkness they are surrounded with...

I like the mood of your poem as well..How it changes from one of happiness to anxiety...the last line is the true highlight of the poem...the fear of losing your loved one...the state of apprehension that you suffer in love is remarkably portrayed...

Oh my gosh, hello, it is pandabear7 here! < 3 I love your poem!!! Also I don't see any grammar errors so that is totes awesome!!! Your poem actually was very touching!


-Panda

To be honest, I didn't read this to edit it or change it in any way. I think a person writes what they right for a reason. Even if it isn't all grammatically correct, I can't seem to find it in me to correct anything in this poem. I can tell that it comes from the heart and those things should never be tampered with. You are an excellent writer and it's amazing the imagery I get from this poem even though it's not too terribly descriptive.

Of course when it says review, I'm not quite sure what that means. I take it as reading something and being completely honest with it. If need be, a review can be a critique, but I don't see that it has to be. A review can also just be praise for a good piece of work.

I loved it. Keep writing and good luck.

-Carrie

First off, I'm gonna have to say I disagree with Charley. This definitely is a poem in my eyes and I'm glad you posted it here. Like I said below I agree with the review done by slushyslapped. I've taken your poem here and made some changes/suggestions that I find improve your poem. No need to take them super serious if your happy with what you have and like ur poem the way it is then that's great for you, I'm only here writing this because I've read your other poem and I like the way you write and what you have to say and I hope to see more from you!! Anyway here it is:


In life there is nothing more precious than time.
That's why moments with you seem so priceless.
That's why I engrave these memories into my heart.
At the same time I'm scared.(maybe say terrified, or just something less common than the word scared)
I'm not the only person that could feel your touch,
Death could one day touch you too.(I like that you used death because what could be more horrible than a loved one dying? But maybe for the sake of the poem, you could allude to another man touching her...as that is seems crushing and more of a possibility than sudden death to me, just a suggestion so maybe say "He could one day...idk maybe some would agree with me, maybe not)
And I'll be left here feeling as lifeless as you are (if you stick with the death idea I think this line benefits immensely from saying you are left here, as in on earth without her, and I changed "as you feel" to "as you are" because clearly she's not feeling if she is dead. Sorry if that sounds harsh, just trying to make morse sense of the poem and give it more drama factor)
I couldn't imagine facing the world with a bunch (instead if saying "a bunch of" maybe say "countless" or some other word meaning many" of cracks in my heart
Making it almost impossible to breathe
(maybe say So, here instead of "thats why" under my breath I always silently whisper
"Please. Don't leave" ( I really lived your poem and I think you have great potential if u work on a few things such as thinking about wether u absolutely need certain words like common ones such as "the and because that" as you see I took out some of them here and it makes it found more like a poem than before, maybe that's what charley was trying to suggest but didn't know how to explain it. Anyway that's all...tha July for sharing and definitely keep writing!!!

-Laci <3

Hi!

SlushySlapped, here to review your poem.

I really liked this. Poetry really isn't my thing. So, I'm not really sure about punctuation and stuff. But, I'm going to give my suggestions on it anyway!

I think that the "is" at the end of the first line is unnecessary. I also think there should also be a period at the end of that line.

Now this is all about punctuation.

"In life there is nothing more precious than time.

That's why the moments with you seem so priceless.

That's why I engrave the memories into my heart,

But at the same time I'm so scared.

Because I'm not the only person that could feel your touch.

Death could one day touch you, too.

And I'll be sitting there feeling as lifeless as you do.

I couldn't imagine facing the world with a bunch of cracks in my heart,

Making it almost impossible to breathe.

That's why under my breath I always silently whisper,

"Please don't leave."

As for the last sentence, I think all three words don't need to be capitalized. But if you really want to put emphasis on them, maybe you could say:
"Please. Don't leave."

Anyway, I'll say it again. I really liked this! I relate to this poem so much. I found myself agreeing with each line as I read through it. Especially the very last one. I think that a lot of people will relate to this as well. Good job!

Keep writing!

To me this dosen't seem like a poem, it'd be very good as something like a diary entry, but that's something that you probably wouldn't post on here. That's only my opinion though.

I'm not trying to sound harsh, I'm just being honest.

Other than that though, if this was something that you thought in your head or something it sounds really good, very emotional. I like it, just watch your spelling, there's only a few mistakes but thats fine, it's still good otherwise.

Keep writing, and have a great night/day xx