Chocolates, candy, going out for ice-cream.
Stick your finger down your throat,
Or it’ll all be just a dream.
Because beauty is in the eye of the beholder
And he is all that matters.
The idea of him,
And what could be,
His hand to hold.
Because what a sticky nightmare,
Not fitting into the mold.
Being associated as an individual,
Being all alone.
And lover boy’s gotta make a move,
His manhood’s on the line.
The dirty deed, she’s done it before.
Holding out would be a crime.
She’ll do him in,
But in the end,
He’ll be the one to break her.
Newly awakened,
Hungry for a taste of more,
Never satisfied.
Because once you lose your innocence,
You don’t want anyone left behind.
Drink this, they said.
It’ll chase away the awkwardness.
It’ll break the barriers with a sloppy wet kiss.
Grinding in the dark,
With who knows who, but does it matter?
Tongue, tongue, tongue
And loose lips,
Magic in the air,
Personality shifts.
Juliet broke up with Mr. Hyde,
Romeo no longer exists.
After twelve,
Staring at bright light screens,
Willing the body awake for a higher cause
Thinking through each line like poetry.
Hideaway from rejection,
A proclamation of devotion,
Immortalized in print
Until deleted from the contact list.
Text several at once,
Or just one, your choice!
Close your eyes and listen to the serenade
The discord of a vibration,
The beeps and the silence-
The death of romance.
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139,566 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
HAAHAAHHA CAN I JUST SAY THAT I LOVE YOU AND I WANNA MARRY YOU AlREADY AFTER READING YOUR INTRO ABOUT THIS POEM
I really love what you captured and how you captured so much with language so simple and colloquial. At first, I kind of thought that your conveyance was kind of mundane and nothing really sticks in my mind (can be improved with better-worded language) BUT the last four lines were really a surprise twist for me. I absolutely loooooovee how they combine together. so thank you for that.
AND I LMAOed at "Tongue, tongue,tongue". so great. so. great.
CAN I JUST USE CAPS FOR A SECOND LIKE I'M SORRY BUT THIS POEM IS SO GOOD I WISH I WROTE IT FIRST BECAUSE I AM IN LOVE.
Sorry that this won't contain much constructive criticism but like wow I'm glad I found this it's great.
The only things I found wrong was that each of the four stanzas did not contain the same amount of lines but that is so trivial and not required I just like symmetry so I always check that.
Also that the rhyming structure is almost is pretty much non-existent because you just have a few rhymes thrown in here and there. So clean that it and this will flow a lot better.
Just the overall idea that romance is so uncommon due to societies standards of how it show be is so correctly portrayed in this piece.
The first stanza of how some constrain themselves to be a certain way because that is the way we often see how it should be is so true. So on point and not overdone yet has even detail to understand where you are getting at.
Second stanza abut how boys have to have sex to be seen as manly is true too. Then how once you do it once you just wanna do them all is very true because most teenagers are just horny it's so true for both girls and guys I won't even lie.
Third stanza is just an quick description of how a lot of parties are so nonchalant and loose about things. Portrayed very well I have no advice for that really.
Fourth stanza goes on about current dating culture. It kind of romanticizes it instead of criticizing it so I'm not to sure about this one. Maybe if you added sometimes in about how technology actually takes away from the real world contact of relationships instead of just stating how technology is used in creating relationships, it would really express the death of them.
But yeah overall just some minor mistakes and I really love your writing and this poem even though it is a bit flawed.
You hear that? That's the sound of my heart breaking... TT~TT What has society come to?
Sigh... Anyway, onto what I came here for! Gummy's my name, and reviewing's my game! I just wanted to say that I loved this poem. Very few poems actually speak to me as easily and harshly as it did to me. It's a very understandable poem, since we see problems like the ones expressed here every few days in the movies and in the news.
The poem, as I expected, was grammatically pristine. There were no misspellings to correct, and I commend you for this.
Finally, I'll just point out that I didn't understand that one symbol in the second verse. If by "that dirty deed" you mean what I think you mean... Call me innocent myself, but wouldn't that mean she had already "lost her innocence"?
It's just a thought, after all. Don't take it too seriously. Well, that about wraps up my review! Keep writing, and remember: Practice is the key! Well, that's it for now! I expect to read more from you in the future!
Woah! This is a whole new look on romance.
It REALLY gets rid of the whole 'perfect love' concept, and shows the reader that, realistically, not everything in love is super mushy and smiley.
I especially like how you cleverly hid the meaning behind this. Sometimes "He's all that matters to me, and I want to keep him completely happy" isn't such a good thing. It can turn into things like the paragraph above; binging to stay skinny for your SO, and other disorders.
I also like this little part:
What I really like about this part is that it states simply that cheating, if you do it often, will numb you and you start to not even think about it anymore. So it's easy for one to decide between "texting several at once" or just focus on one.
This is a nice treat after seeing all of the almost too perfect love stories and poems.
Great job ^^
Hello there! I really, really love this poem. It feels very realistic and harsh, which is something I love when someone is writing about youth. As one, I can really relate.
My only criticism is that while your prose and imagery is pretty good, your phrasing needs a lot of work. Sometimes it's not entirely clear, and I have to reread the phrase a couple times to ensure I know what you're talking about, or the phrasing just messes up the rhythm. Here's an example of how you could rework the first verse, to make it flow better and to make it more clear:
Chocolates, candy, going for ice-cream.
Stick your finger down your throat,
Or it’ll be a dream.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder,
so he is all that matters:
The idea of him,
And what could be,
His hand to hold.
What a sticky nightmare,
Not fitting to the mold.
Being individual,
and being all alone.
Does that make sense? I just streamlined the phrasing a bit more and tried to make it more clear. Overall, I think you have a really great start here, and I hope you move forward with this poem. Thank you so much for writing, and good luck!