It came again that night. On top of it, it was Friday the 13th with its superstitiuos bad luck. There was a storm that night and the rain was attacking her windowpane. She was still awake, trying to sleep at three in the morning. Occasional thunder boomed in the background, though the storm seemed far away as she watched the creature enter. It was very dark, and she couldn’t see anything, but a distorted figure. It crept around Daisy’s room, past her 13 birthday balloons, and as a quick flash lit the room, she could get a glimpse of the shadow on the wall behind her as she lay still in bed. She didn’t dare make a move.
She watched the beast’s reflection in her mirrored closet door, slowly reaching out its gnarly hand (if that’s what you could even call it) coming towards her and then the room shone again for no longer than a second. Lightning, she thought. It was fast, but it was enough to make the shadow beast go to the other side of the room, scared of the light. A voice, though a bit shaky, came out as a whisper. “Give me,” the beast said weakly, cowering in the corner. She sat up, watching it. “What?” Daisy asked nervously. “Give me.”
She thought back the day before, when she was teasing her baby cousin. He was just learning to talk, and all he said was, “Give me.” She didn’t know what he wanted and wasn’t holding anything. She remembered looking around and at other people for help, but they weren’t paying attention. Eventually, she apologized to her cousin, hoping he would understand, and left.
The shadow beast kept repeating, until Daisy was going crazy. “Stop! What do you want?” she said. The creature stopped, and she felt as if it were staring at her. Then it slowly moved towards the window, and slipped out the way it came. Trying to recuperate, she leaned back and let gravity take her head back down into her pillow.
“Get up sleepy head! It’s already 10, and I made your favorite pancakes.” Daisy groaned and slowly sat up. She looked at her mom, and watched as she closed the door behind her. Daisy hesitated then got dressed and went downstairs. Her father greeted her as she sat down. She felt someone staring, and looked up to see her cousin smiling mischievously right at her. She remembered her dream, it must have been a dream, and then forgot it altogether.
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140,799 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
I loved your story. it was amazing. I think you could have added a little bit more scare to the story and the story to me seemed a bit unfinished and i am not good at giving reviews but still there's a mystery on what the beast was, how did her cousin become that or you could have just made some else was the beast with the suspicious cousin still being there. You could have confused her a bit.
I found it less scary and much sweeter. Threr's no problem actually.You have written a morale story instead which says that one should not deny their own cousins. The day selected is 13 th of friday which itshelf is enough to make a day spooky and bring evil thougts to the most posetive sound mind. in this story to this happened.At the end the act of the cousin mystriously laughing solved the problem. hence morale of this good story is never think ur siblings weaker only because u r older than them there can be a lot more...
Yes, I like your take on it. It's interesting to see everybody's reactions who reads it and how they took it to be. Thank you. I appreciate all the comments, opinions, and thoughts.
This was really good, no significant problem to mention. Not normally my kind of thriller, I normally prefer the more creepy gruesome thrillers. But this was really good, I look forward to your next chapter. Just the right amount of details, drama, and suspense. Something most don't get right.
Welcome to YWS, I hope you enjoy the site. You earned a fan.
Thank you so much! I feel a lot more comfortable and inspired to continue with this. I'm even more excited now.
Happy to help, although I'm sure I didn't do much. Their is a lot of talented writers here, it's everyone's job to inspire each other.
I didn't know that toddlers knew the concept of revenge.Lol, it's the ones that seem most innocent you must look out for.
Hello AJb (welcome to YWS, by the way)
Alright so in the first paragraph, the time is a bit off. You mention twice that it is night (the second time is not needed) and then say that it's three in the morning. I'd say don't specify because that would make it Saturday the 14th because it's the next day, you know? Just leave it at night, or say eleven at night if you need to specify.
There are also some problems I noticed with this sentence:
First, I would recommend splitting it in two: "She watched the beast’s reflection in her mirrored closet door, slowly reaching out its gnarly hand (if that’s what you could even call it) coming towards her. Then the room shone again for no longer than a second." Also, I believe you should put an and after the parentheses. As to what goes in the parentheses, I might rephrase to: "(if you could even call it a hand)" because at the moment it sounds like you're saying "if you could even call it gnarly". Just a little clarification.
Other than that, the story could be a little bit longer. The readers have just connected Daisy's cousin to the shadow beast, and then Daisy just shrugs it off as a dream. That wouldn't even make sense, as in the beginning you mentioned that the beast always visits on Friday the 13th.
That's another thing, the numbers. You correctly wrote out three, but you did not write out 10 or 13. Keep it consistent, written words generally flow better.
All that being said, this is still a good piece. I look forward to reading some of your future works!
-Falco
Thank you very much, I was actually thinking of making it longer. I really appreciate your thoughts and will get to that very soon. You saying this makes me feel good and will help me become a better writer. Thanks again, AJ
No problem. I hope you do write more! I'm always willing to review and am here for any questions. PM me if you need help with anything.
Thanks, I'm working on a longer story that I'm hoping to post chapter 1 soon!