Oh my god, it's so long, but also so interesting! I was really engaged in reading, it really got me. I love how you describe things, what the feel and so on. The narration is really smooth and pleasing to read. I'll definitely be waiting for more!
Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
“You will never compare to her."
Antares stared down at her hands, her vision blurring as she took a breath. "Yes sir."
The man who stood in front of her lifted her chin, forcing her to look up at him. His eyes were dirt brown. Nothing about him stood out. He looked exactly like the kind of person you would think of him to be. Rotten. “Child.. Do you know why we are back here again?” The man walked around her. Circling her. Like a hawk about to catch its meal.. Antares shrugged and her smug smile returned to her face.
“Maybe it’s because you’ve truly missed me.” She mocked.
The man rolled his eyes before kicking her chair over, with her along with it. She was tied down so she had no choice but to lay there on her side. She laughed, “Perhaps not then..”
The man walked over to where she laid on the ground. He stood in front of her face, so she had no choice but to stare at his shoes. They were covered in black shine. She wouldn’t be surprised if he spit shined his shoes. “You are here because I sent for you. You are alive because I wanted you to be.”
Antares’ smile faded, she knew where this was going.
“And you failed to remember this when I sent you to take care of an asset..” He spoke firmly.
Antares felt a pain in her chest. “He is not an asset… Nor is he one of your monsters created just for you to manipulate.” Antares used every ounce of energy as she could to stand up, with her hands still tied behind the back of her chair it was rather difficult. The man watched her with a calm smile on his face. She wished she could remove it from his face forever.
“You were sent to bring him back here. To me." The man paused briefly. "But instead you decided upon yourself to live with him?” The man’s smile was no longer there. Yet his eyes were full of curiosity. He wanted to know everything.
“He asked me to stay with him.. That is all.” Antares hesitated in her speech.
The man tilted his head slightly. “Oh really? Because rumor has it that Mortem isn’t just a lousy librarian.. He is now the King of the land. Which by the way.. I heard a rumor recently.. One that has been spreading to all of the other kingdoms… That the King of L.A. is engaged.”
Antares frowned before he even spoke the words. She knew that the rumor had spread. She just didn’t know how far.. “So what? He is the King. He can do as he wishes.”
The alarms began to scream and voices began to shout. It was almost impossible to think.. Yet, the man didn’t move. He stood there. Watching her. As if he knew. As if he was waiting for this to happen. He walked over to her and began untying her from the chair. Antares was frozen while he did this. She couldn’t figure out why.
Then the man stepped over to her and whispered in her ear. “Congratulations.. I’ll be sure to tell your husband that at the wedding.”
Antares felt weak. Her whole body shook as she watched the man walk out of the room. Leaving the door open behind him. She fell on her knees and stared at the open doorway. They were no longer safe.
Antares could no longer go home and ignore her growing worries. She could no longer enjoy those dinners they have together. She would never be able to dance with him again. They weren’t safe and they never will be. She sat there, on her knees, with tears streaming down her face. She would never be able to love anything. They would always take it away. For as long as she and Mortem existed. They would always have to run.
Antares felt a warm hand on the side of her face. She looked up to see Mortem knelt on the ground in front of her. “I couldn’t find you anywhere.. But Jilo gave me some information.. I hope you don’t mind.” Mortem smiled slightly, but the shaking in his hands sold him out.
“Thank you..” Antares placed her metal hand over his own. “I’m okay. I promise.”
Mortem frowned, she always said this. They both knew the truth behind those words.
“He wanted to know about why I never turned you in..” Antares whispered.
Mortem thought over this for a moment. Antares watched him silently. It didn’t matter that his face was covered in these dark black veins. To her, he was everything.
“Well.. I never minded having a new face around the house.” Mortem chuckled.
Antares smiled. She must be thought of as insane to be happy in a facility surrounded by death. “Especially one that you’re in love with.” She whispered.
Mortem helped Antares stand, carefully holding her while doing so. "Especially one that I'm in love with.."
Oh my god, it's so long, but also so interesting! I was really engaged in reading, it really got me. I love how you describe things, what the feel and so on. The narration is really smooth and pleasing to read. I'll definitely be waiting for more!
Hi there! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
(Hello, I'm Aaliyah Laurier, a fellow writer, and I'm excited to review your work.)
Top Graham Cracker - What I Know
(I love how this starts out! Great hook. I was immediately drawn in and wanted to know the context.)
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Room for Improvements
(Here are just a few grammar mistakes I found!
- "Yes, sir." instead of "Yes sir."
- "Like a hawk about to catch its meal. Antares shrugged and her smug smile returned to her face." instead of "Like a hawk about to catch its meal.. Antares shrugged and her smug smile returned to her face."
- "Antares’ smile faded; she knew where this was going." instead of "Antares’ smile faded, she knew where this was going."
- “And you failed to remember this when I sent you to take care of an asset.” He spoke firmly." instead of "'And you failed to remember this when I sent you to take care of an asset..' He spoke firmly.")
Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece
("The man walked over to where she laid on the ground. He stood in front of her face, so she had no choice but to stare at his shoes. They were covered in black shine. She wouldn’t be surprised if he spit shined his shoes. 'You are here because I sent for you. You are alive because I wanted you to be.'" I love this line so much. My absolute favorite.
"Antares frowned before he even spoke the words. She knew that the rumor had spread. She just didn’t know how far.. 'So what? He is the King. He can do as he wishes.'" Another line I love. )
Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts
(Generally, this is a very strong prologue and it makes me excited for future chapters. I love the dialogue and I love how this started. I hope to hear more from you.)
I wasn't expecting this for a prologue! I like the way you are making events happen out of order. It's interesting that you like to hide mini details in the things you write. After reading the first chapter and then reading the prologue, it reveals many of the questions I had about the first chapter. Antares' "mission", why she was so quick to track down specifically Mortem.
This prologue also feels like it allows me to understand more about her character and her past. She has this cold, analytical nature about her. But when Mortem is around, she really softens up. Still analytical, but a little less cold. I can't wait to read more, I love it when writers hide details or add intrigue to their stories.
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: This was quite the nifty little prologue here. I think you've done a wonderful job constructing a very intriguing scene here, hinting at quite a lot and only giving away just about enough to keep us nice and enticed here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
“You will never compare to her."
Antares stared down at her hands, her vision blurring as she took a breath. "Yes sir."
The man who stood in front of her lifted her chin, forcing her to look up at him. His eyes were dirt brown. Nothing about him stood out. He looked exactly like the kind of person you would think of him to be. Rotten. “Child.. Do you know why we are back here again?” The man walked around her. Circling her. Like a hawk about to catch its meal.. Antares shrugged and her smug smile returned to her face.
“Maybe it’s because you’ve truly missed me.” She mocked.
The man rolled his eyes before kicking her chair over, with her along with it. She was tied down so she had no choice but to lay there on her side. She laughed, “Perhaps not then..”
The man walked over to where she laid on the ground. He stood in front of her face, so she had no choice but to stare at his shoes. They were covered in black shine. She wouldn’t be surprised if he spit shined his shoes. “You are here because I sent for you. You are alive because I wanted you to be.”
Antares’ smile faded, she knew where this was going
“And you failed to remember this when I sent you to take care of an asset..” He spoke firmly.
Antares felt a pain in her chest. “He is not an asset… Nor is he one of your monsters created just for you to manipulate.” Antares used every ounce of energy as she could to stand up, with her hands still tied behind the back of her chair it was rather difficult. The man watched her with a calm smile on his face. She wished she could remove it from his face forever.
“You were sent to bring him back here. To me." The man paused briefly. "But instead you decided upon yourself to live with him?” The man’s smile was no longer there. Yet his eyes were full of curiosity. He wanted to know everything.
“He asked me to stay with him.. That is all.” Antares hesitated in her speech.
The man tilted his head slightly. “Oh really? Because rumor has it that Mortem isn’t just a lousy librarian.. He is now the King of the land. Which by the way.. I heard a rumor recently.. One that has been spreading to all of the other kingdoms… That the King of L.A. is engaged.”
Antares frowned before he even spoke the words. She knew that the rumor had spread. She just didn’t know how far.. “So what? He is the King. He can do as he wishes.”
The alarms began to scream and voices began to shout. It was almost impossible to think.. Yet, the man didn’t move. He stood there. Watching her. As if he knew. As if he was waiting for this to happen. He walked over to her and began untying her from the chair. Antares was frozen while he did this. She couldn’t figure out why.
Then the man stepped over to her and whispered in her ear. “Congratulations.. I’ll be sure to tell your husband that at the wedding.”
Antares felt weak. Her whole body shook as she watched the man walk out of the room. Leaving the door open behind him. She fell on her knees and stared at the open doorway. They were no longer safe.
Antares could no longer go home and ignore her growing worries. She could no longer enjoy those dinners they have together. She would never be able to dance with him again. They weren’t safe and they never will be. She sat there, on her knees, with tears streaming down her face. She would never be able to love anything. They would always take it away. For as long as she and Mortem existed. They would always have to run.
Antares felt a warm hand on the side of her face. She looked up to see Mortem knelt on the ground in front of her. “I couldn’t find you anywhere.. But Jilo gave me some information.. I hope you don’t mind.” Mortem smiled slightly, but the shaking in his hands sold him out.
“Thank you..” Antares placed her metal hand over his own. “I’m okay. I promise.”
Mortem frowned, she always said this. They both knew the truth behind those words.
“He wanted to know about why I never turned you in..” Antares whispered.
Mortem thought over this for a moment. Antares watched him silently. It didn’t matter that his face was covered in these dark black veins. To her, he was everything.
“Well.. I never minded having a new face around the house.” Mortem chuckled.
Antares smiled. She must be thought of as insane to be happy in a facility surrounded by death. “Especially one that you’re in love with.” She whispered.
Mortem helped Antares stand, carefully holding her while doing so. "Especially one that I'm in love with.."
Hey AJ!
I will be doing a review on your wonderful piece! I of course know this story, but I will do my best not to be biased 
). I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Top Graham Cracker - First impressions
My first impressions on this piece is that it is very well written, I personally like how descriptive you are. Like when you talk about how Antares is feeling. And even when she is talking with the 'mystery man'. I can also tell that Antares is a very rounded person, thought through so to say.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Room for Improvements
I was a bit confused in the end, it might just be me, but I was a bit confused who was talking.
Mortem thought over this for a moment. Antares watched him silently. It didn’t matter that his face was covered in these dark black veins. To her, he was everything. “Well.. I never minded having a new face around the house.”
Antares laughed. She must be thought of as insane to be happy in a facility surrounded by death. “Especially one that you’re in love with.”
I couldn't really tell, so it might be good to give some kind of indication, especially in the last sentence "Especially one that you're in love with."
Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece
Now we are gonna look at some of them sweet sweet highlights!
The alarms began to scream and voices began to shout. It was almost impossible to think.. Yet, the man didn’t move. He stood there. Watching her. As if he knew. As if he was waiting for this to happen.
I really enjoyed the sentences in this quote, how you made it feel fast paced, and we can feel the emotions Antares is having in this moment.
I'm sorry I had to keep this in because it gave me butterflies XD
Antares felt a warm hand on the side of her face. She looked up to see Mortem knelt on the ground in front of her. “I couldn’t find you anywhere.. But Jilo gave me some information.. I hope you don’t mind.” Mortem smiled slightly, but the shaking in his hands sold him out.
I could really feel the connection / love between the two characters, and I just really love romance, too much..
Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts
Anyway now to some closing thoughts, after all this is a great piece and I really enjoy everything evolving around LA and you know that lol. I again really enjoy how descriptive you write, and you really paint a picture of what is happening.
and that was that C:
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