-One-
It begins, with a death.
But life also.
Death because a life is ended. Life because, through death, the doors of eternity are opened for a slight moment. If one were to reach in with a quick hand and a much quicker wit, close their fist, and withdraw in that same, severed second, they may find something wriggling in their palm. Very much alive.
But you are probably bored already, so I will, as you and yours would say, ‘get on with it.’
In this moment where I watched my daughter claim yet another victim, I saw, kindled in the eyes of another, a fire which shall consume us throughout this story. That is an important point to note, Reader.
The plains of Durriden lie in the shadow of Eradon, the Plateau, which rises a few hundred feet above the skyline. Unless one is very good at climbing and has very strong arms, there is only one way to the top, and that is along the DonnWalle road, which winds up the cliffs. The long ascent is very much worth it, though. Atop Eradon lies a landscape altogether different than that below. But we shall visit it later.
The plains extend all around Eradon for a great distance, dotted only by a few, sparse patches of shrubbery here and there. Westward lies the sea, North and South, thick forest, and to the East, the Iron Hills. This also concerns our story, for it is from these mountains that comes our bringer of death.
The Fell.
More appropriately termed, though, those vile races which humans have titled Orcs, Goblins, Trolls, and a continued menagerie of erect beasts. All have foul tempers, sharp claws, and tiny brains. This combination gives birth to a series of species which have plagued these lands for many an age.
You and I have entered the Ninth Age of men, and the Fell have not changed at all. Oh, except for one important detail I forgot to mention; Gnashtahk. The word means, literally translated, Plague of Flies, though I fail to see how that has any relevancy to our story. Yes, Reader, even I do not know everything.
Gnashtahk was, is, and forever will be the first and last of a hybrid breed of Human and Black Orc, destined for only one thing, death. Not so much the death of his own kind, meaning himself as there are no others, but the bringer of death to so many. I would not say that my daughter followed him wherever he went, she does not glory in her task. Rather, he drags her around and forces her hand.
While this may be legend, there are those who say that death may come by only looking into his eyes. Such hate and malice lie within those black beads, enough to freeze you in the flesh. If this is true, then it is a good thing that he was removed of his left eye during the battle of Cair Suren-Idles. Only I can tell if it is true, but even then, I can not say, so we will leave the subject and move on.
From his birthplace in the Iron Hills, Gnashtahk grew in size and strength and knowledge and will. He possessed those same, animal instincts which heightened his senses and drove him to kill, yet, the human inside, suppressed and caged as it was, gave him the one tool he needed to become something more than a beast; fear.
Fear of the end.
To survive is one thing, but to truly live? Glorious. This was the underlying principle which urged him to commit such terrible crimes against humanity. Can he be blamed? Yes, but in the same thought, no. His instinct was far to strong and it devoured all sense of morals and borders. And so, Gnashtahk opened the seal of the Ninth Age with a black blade and descended mankind into a dark chapter of history. Very dark indeed. Under his leadership and reign of terror, the Fell unified as one, abandoning their war clans. Blood and Stone, Iron and claw, all were gathered together. Collectively, they would force fear back into the hearts of men.
Human kind repelled Gnashtahk, threatening him, along with his vile kindred. But he was still human enough to understand something important; greed is far more powerful than the blade. Backed against the wall of extinction with no other place to turn, rather than face death, he offered up a gift in exchange for his life.
Ruewean, the Shining Stone, the Fallen Star.
It was said that, contained within its depths, was a power beyond anything the world had to offer, if one could but find the secret to unlocking it. Mankind tried, with all their might and their magic, to break the seal which separated them from infinite power. But, alas, all attempts failed, and the Ruewean faded out of existence, and Gnashtahk remained.
In one final attempt to rid the world of human kind, he led his armies across the plains to the base of Eradon. There, at the feet of the mighty kind Durriden, he lay down all of his anger and his hate.
Men gathered from across the lands to aid in this great conflict. Hundreds and thousands and tens of thousands of spears rose into the sky, all gathered beneath on banner, Durriden’s seal, the Silver Falcon.
Out on the rolling hills they fought. Though humans possessed superior knowledge and skill in battle, they were outnumbered and out matched.
But genocide and annihilation were not on Gnashtahk’s mind. When Durriden knew that he had been beaten, the illegitimate beast stepped forward and offered up another gift, not entirely different than the previous one. A gift which could not be so easily refused; life, but under the bonds and strict confines of slavery. Durriden saw no other alternative, and, not willing to be the one that consigned his people’s name to be blotted out, he was prepared to accept the agreement.
It would never be made, though.
For in that moment, Bodorr, Durriden’s firstborn and only son, took up his axe and with one powerful swing, beheaded his father, ending the High King’s life. He had seen past the lies and the pain and into a terrible future, one that he could not allow to become reality.
Needless to say, all were shocked, some more than others. Enraged, Gnashtahk moved to slay this puny human, but so great was Bodorr’s anger that his mighty battleaxe descended, blow after blow, until the Plague of the Flies was forced into submission. In the end, Gnashtahk’s armies would be defeated, scattered and hunted down and slain like the animals they were.
Bodorr, having done the unthinkable, had single handedly saved mankind.
And how they were quick to forget.
Unduly charged with treason, dissension, and murder of the King, Bodorr was banished from the kingdom, his name ever to bear the mark of the damned.
Mankind rebuilt their cities, but it was never as it had been before. Under the rule of one High King, they had flourished. But now that the royal line was ended, they squabbled like children and separated into their own factions. And so it was that the race of men was divided. The line of Durriden cut asunder, the reign of the Kings extinguished.
And man would never be the same.
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141,312 Literary Works • 674,342 Reviews
Hi its thosethatgotaway here
i really like the concept. It really got me thinking. the grammar and sentence structure made it easier to read. you put good voice into this piece which i tend to look for at times just because it makes it easier for me to read. everything flowed pretty well into each other which is also a good thing.
i agree that the "Is" should be changed to"Has" because it sounds kind of awkward that way. there are some other punctuation that i think should be changed but not a ton.
other than those the pacing of the writing was good to a point where i could comprehend as i went and it didn't get too overwhelmed by everything else that was happening. so well done
Hi there! Lucrezia here for a review.
Sorry this is a bit late. I meant to review it a while ago, but kept procrastinating. XD Okay, moving on...
This is a really great piece. One thing I look for when reading YWS works is a strong narrative voice, as these are hard to come by but incredibly powerful weapons to have. Possibly the most important part of writing is the narrative voice—though it alludes many writers.
You, however, have an amazing voice. In every piece of yours I've read, it comes through loud and clear. As I said, that's a very special gift to have, not to mention rare. The fact that your voice is so strong is really impressive and awesome.
I loved how you had the narrator acknowledge the readers. Not many people do that, but I'm a sucker for it. It brings an almost sarcastic undertone to any piece, and though that may not seem like a good thing, it definitely is. Especially when you have a more serious or grave work such as this.
Everything flowed together incredibly well. Your last line was absolutely perfect, and there's something to be said about having that "great final line." The world you're creating is enticingly intriguing and I'm eager to find out more.
All in all, amazing work. ^_^
Nitpicks:
This just sounds really, really weird. Change the "is" to "has." That should fix it.
Change the semicolon to a colon.
The comma there doesn't really work for me. I'd suggest changing it to either another colon, or an em dash.
This is quite bumpy and needs some work. Too many commas, and that semicolon there at the end is improperly used (watch out for your semicolon usage). Here's an example of how to fix this:
He possessed those same animal instincts which heightened his senses and drove him to kill, yet the human inside—suppressed and caged as it was—gave him the one tool he needed to become something more than a beast. Fear.
"Too," not "to." Here's a tip to remember the difference between your "too"s.
Too is longer than to because it means more. It means excess. For example:
"I already had a bag of M&Ms, do I really need a box of chocolates, too?"
"I want that, too!"
"I am way too wasted to drive home."
I'm pretty bad at explaining these things, so if you're still confused, PM me. Or better yet, Google it.
This is clunky. I'd change it to:
But alas, all attempts failed. Ruewean faded out of existence, and Gnashtahk remained.
That way, you're not overusing commas, and the word "and" isn't repetitive.
Hmm. This doesn't sound right. Perhaps you mean, our banner?
"Outmatched" is one word.
Okay, nitpicks aside, this is a pretty insane piece. Your pacing was good, details were just enough that they didn't overwhelm or bore the reader, and you left me wanting more.
Well done and keep up the great work!
CesareBorgia here for a review.
So when I read this, it reminded me of Lord of the Rings. The setting and everything. i don't really have any nitpicks though, so this will be a short review.
First: vocabulary usage. The certain use of words was very good. They made me look in the dictionary though because I'm only 13.
Second: I like the first sentence. Even though it was so short. It was taut with deep meaning in it. Maybe it's just the fact that I'm only 13.
Third: It is brief and to the point. Only took me a couple minutes to read. Most of the works take me awhile to read.
All in all this was a great story and I will be back for chapter two.
Anyway, as usual, you continue to impress. The grammar's good, although there are a few mistakes. The most obvious involved the lack of a colon in this sentence: "Oh, except for one important detail I forgot to mention; Gnashtahk." The semicolon should be a colon. May very well be a typo, and that's the only error that really distracted me. This sentence: "And how they were quick to forget." could probably be changed to "And how quick they were to forget." but that may just be stylistic nitpick on my part...
As for the setting (always my primary concern for some reason), you've pretty much nailed the fantasy tone and world. The sentence structure, the names, and the places all seem right out of a Tolkienesque fantasy. Sadly, almsot too much so. For instance, the "Iron Hills" is actually a mountain range in Middle Earth. Also, some of the ways events play out seems all to similar to the way the Last Alliance fought the armies of Mordor, but its different enough to not be overly distracting. And its not that I dislike Tolkienesque settings, it's just that I think you could add more here. Then again, it's the first chapter so I can't ask too much in worldbuilding yet. By the way, some of the grammar could be toned down to a more "modern" approach depending on where you go with the story. If your characters speak in a more modern tone, I'd suggest having the narration go that way as well.
Anyway, you have a good beginning for your story. A good history, a good narrative tone. Overall good. I look forward to reading chapter two.
My final advice: There're a lot of ways you could go with this setting to make it more of your own rather than the usual "Tolkien Clones" that make up a lot of fantasy. I suggest adding more original material, grammar structure, and setting elements to add that level of originality to it.
Interesting bit of writing. Thank you for already putting work into the spelling, grammar, and sentence structure; it's so much easier for me to concentrate on the story when I'm not getting distracted by constant mistakes. Your writing is easy to read and flows well. It sounds like the prologue to a potentially interesting book. Being a LOTR fan myself, I can't blame you on wanting to mimic his style and feel, but I would like to add to AE's caution. Tolkien has a great style that we can learn a lot from, but at the same time, you want to develop your own style, as well. One of my early thoughts in reading this was, 'this feels a little to similar to LOTR'. I agree part of that connection lies in the names of people and characters, as previously mentioned. Also, using the reference 'the world of men', 'the age of men', that immediately gives me a very LOTR feel. Also, to me Eradon is too much like Erebor, and the Iron Hills are mentions specifically in the Hobbit as well. I would encourage you to think long and hard about your names, lest the reader get the feeling they're reading a LOTR spin-off. Yes, be inspired by Tolkien's wonderful world and style, but also be challenged to make your world your own! It's something I have to work on and check myself on continually as well.
Hope that wasn't too rambly. One last thought; I was buying into the story until near the end- the part about Bodorr killing his father. As I was reading this, it felt unnecessary to me; if Bodorr is in such a rightous anger that makes him capable of charging your bad guy and hacking him up, why doesn't he do this immediately? Why does he first kill his own father, when he proceeds to kill the bad guy immediately after anyway? Couldn't he have just charged Gnashtahk and saved the day anyway? To me, it makes him feel a little cold-hearted. If you intended for your readers to have these sorts of questions about Bodorr and his actions, then grats! If not, maybe give it some thought so the killing of the king doesn't feel so unnecessary. And on the other hand, this is only my opinion; perhaps I'm the only one who gets these impressions.
Just some food for thought; hope it was helpful! Keep writing, keep finding your style!
Thank you for the review. And I see your point about Bodorr killing his father. Going on the advice of another, I have decided to turn this explanation of the mythology, into an actual story in the book. Thanks for taking the time to read, and I will definitely make it easier to understand why Bodorr killed his father first.
And, while this part may seem very LOTRish, the rest of the book isn't, but I will need to change a lot of the names to fit the style.
Timmy here for a review!
I was looking around YWS and I saw your name... And remembered that while you have reviewed many of my works, I have never done one of yours! So Timmy is here, reporting for duty, Captain!!
So this is how I review: I hit my nitpicks first so that you think I am mean, and then I will tell you what I like about it, so you change your mind... Shall we go? This might take a while, as it is a fairly long piece, so you may want to take a seat.
Nitpicks
First, I will hit grammar nitpicks, as well as flow and sentence problems.
Now I will move on to positive points!
Story and Style in general
You story is quite unique, and I am loving your names you give your characters, but some might say that you are copying. I know you aren't, but... at the same time, Arrebor is in LOTR, and so are most of the monsters and beasts you mention... Might want to make it more personalized, to avoid that.
I can see that this is going to be a great story, full of action and having a really neat MC as well as an awesome plot! This seems to me like a prologue, not like a first chapter, as it isn't written like it is targeting one character as your main character... Although I can tell who it will be.
I will review your next addition probably tomorrow! You have my curiosity piqued here!
~Timmyjake (I hope this review wasn't mean)
Thanks for the review. You actually pointed out a few good things that I will change, to make it flow better and be easier to understand.
As for the names being really, really similar to LOTR, you're right. It probably stems from having watched the first and second parts of the Hobbit not to long ago. I want it to be similar to LOTR in style and feel, so that's good, but I guess I better change some of the names so they are original.
Yep! No problem. I enjoyed reading it! And you will discover names you like as you continue writing it. I have been writing a book for two and a half years, and I still don't have names for every character.
Lol, I went through and looked up all my names on Google. Half of them are closely related to LOTR or some branch of it. For example: Gnashtahk, in my book, is a half Black Orc half Human beast. Gnaskrahk is an orc boss in Lord of the Rings Online. I've never even played the game or heard about it! I think I must be related to J. R. R. Tolkien somehow.
his grandson.
I wish.