Oh, Lord, spare me! I'm afraid, oh God, terribly afraid. I’m sure I might die.
My death is drawing near, or so near, I can feel it, see it in the distance. Any day now, I'm sure of it. It's near!
And, oh, how I dread it. The fear, it drives me, haunts me; it's making me paranoid, as an adulterer or as a mother might be. Worse than!
I can't help but fear, but wonder, even, Lord: what will it be?
What will be the death of me, Father? My imagination curses me! Will it be from illness, from disease? Or what if from tragedy? A terrible accident! Or what if I offend someone? Might there be a price on my life?
Oh, but what could it be!
Disease takes so many every hour. Pneumonia, infection, organ failure, cancer, influenza, heart attacks, and even the common cold.
However, unless there's a sudden outbreak, I can't imagine it'd be from disease. I'm not an ill man, nor was I ever a sickly child. I'm as healthy as a horse, as strong as an ox. I eat, I sleep, I move; no history or inheritance of disease. It cannot be my health, it mustn't be!
Accidental! Sudden death, oh the horror! I can already see the headlines: "Town Grieves Unexpected Loss of Promising Young Adult," "Local Man’s Sudden Death Stuns Neighbors." Oh, spare me!
What might it be? Anything and everything is a possibility! The roof could collapse on me; a chandelier from the ceiling; a piano from the skies!
Oh, but what's the probability after all? What's the chance of a chandelier coming down from my dirt roof? What are the odds it rains instruments? I've no such luck! Besides, I'm not so anxious as to fret over the what-ifs and the maybes.
In any case, I know my death is approaching, and soon. The Reaper will not wait on Lady Luck.
Then, if not illness or chance, then what, oh Lord? What will take my life? Or who!
Murder; the scandal! Might I upset a mighty man, an angry man? Even a simple man can be driven to violence! Perhaps they'll put a hit on me in the black market. Or I could simply be at the wrong place at the wrong time. A simple bystander in a robbery, or kidnapped and sold in The Underground—or, rather, my organs. Could it be from a blade, from a bullet, even from a saw? Who knows!
Ah, but I do. Who have I offended, Lord? I'm smart and witty; gentle and kind. As Lincoln, I rid of my enemies when I make them my friends! A crime of passion? I have no lover! A betrayal? I'm too picky, too careful. I give no reason to stab, no cause for pain. Who have I offended, Father?
And I repeat: I'm not so paranoid as to imagine an assassin sent by an unknown enemy, or that I might be suddenly stabbed and robbed.
Oh, so what, Lord? What might it be? Tell me, before it comes, for it is soon! If I am neither slave, nor victim, nor target, then what, Father?
Oh, why do I jest? I am tired, so terribly tired of it all. Forgive me, Lord.
You know my death, and so do I.
I'm afraid I'll die, Lord.
I'm afraid I'll kill myself.
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140,552 Literary Works • 673,423 Reviews
Hey, ADNG!
Before anything else, because this story deals so directly with suicidal thoughts, I just want to say please take care of yourself while writing material like this! If this comes from a personal place, it’s worth reaching out to someone real and immediate <333 Use this resource if needed, and there are so many people that are here for you!
Now onto the story itself! This is a really intense story, and I think the voice is definitely the strongest part. The narrator’s panic feels immediate from the very first sentence, and the repeated pleading to God gives the whole work a spiraling quality. I like that! To me, it reads like a confession, which is fitting for the religious images! I find the religious tone also makes the narrator feel terribly alone. They are speaking to God, but the silence in response feels huge in comparison! I think that opens up a lot of questions surrounding the narrator and their relationship with divinity/their faith.
I also really like how the narrative builds through possible causes of death and how each possibility gets introduced, obsessed over, argued against, and then replaced by another fear. That structure works very well because it reminds me of anxious thinking. That's very realistic! The narrator is trying to reason calmly, but I perceived that no matter what, the panic keeps outrunning them. That made the final reveal land harder for me because I realized that all these external fears have partly been a way of avoiding the one internal truth the narrator already knows. I didn't expect it, that's for sure!
Pacing is a big issue for me though! Because the narrator often asks a question, panics over it, then dismisses it, the middle section can feel a bit repetitive. That isn’t necessarily bad, since repetition fits the mental state, but I think you could heighten the effect by making each section feel more distinct. For example, the illness section could feel more clinical, the accident section more frantic, and the murder section more paranoid. You already do this somewhat, but you could push it more! I do not feel like each 'cause' feels like its own separate idea; they feel, to me, like they blur together into something more general.
Great little story nonetheless! =D Maybe add a content warning next time though? There are a lot of mature, dark themes here that could be uncomfortable for people stumbling into this without knowing. Besides that, I hope this review was helpful!
Aislynn <3
Thank you for your comment. I appreciate your concern. I want to clarify that this does not reflect my personal views, and I do not have any suicidal thoughts or ideation. I acknowledge that my pacing was rushed; I've noticed this in many of my drafts and am working on lengthening my stories. I have updated the content warning as suggested. Thank you again for your feedback.
Oh boy... this one hit hard.
This perfectly encapsulated anxiety and paranoia in an easily understandable way. I felt like I was reading Edgar Alan Poe (he's my favorite writer). This was beautiful, terrifyingly and tragically so,y to the point where the narrator is afraid of everything, including himself. Anything could happen to him, including himself,f and I love that. I really don't have any negative critiques for you; I thoroughly enjoyed that and hope to see more from you.
Thank you for your comment. Edgar Allen Poe often inspires me; I'm glad you could hear him in my writing. I've never been an anxious person, but I conjured this during a bout of anxiety. I hope to write more soon.