Published May 30, 2011
Quite Shadowy
My shadow wears
shadowy T-shirts,
shadowy jeans,
shadowy boxers,
and he knows
the shadowy order of things
his hair is like mine
... but far more shadowy.
My shadow is a shadowy time traveler
trapped in a shadowy parallel dimension.
In his shadowy world, I’m the shadow.
Nah, I’m just kidding. He's not really alive.
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Canary word: Present
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Very.....interesting
Well, I mean, the whole idea was for it not to be like the other poems... it wasn't supposed to be deep and mysterious, it was meant sarcastically, almost to poke fun at the students who were writing deep personal stuff - (see what I did there? d:) And the comma after boxers is an Oxford Comma, of which I am indded a fan.
Hi there! Alright so this is a little short and your reptition of 'shadowy' wasn't particularly effective, but I did like a few of the ideas you came up with. I liked the cocept of you being a shadow to your shadow and the idea that he's actually living and breathing in this other world, so maybe centre your poem around that? Also, try not to undermine your own words with lines like that last one. It's a little funny, sure, but it doesn't really fit and cuts through what seemed to me like a good idea.
You might want to tody up your grammar as well. You don't need a comma after boxers and the ellipse would be better as a dash because they're much more powerful and abrupt. They're more of a statement than ellipses which only really belong in prose.
So not a bad first draft but I suggest you take that one idea out, cut the rest and start again. Sometimes that's just the way poetry works and even if you only get the one good idea out of your first draft, it can still be considered a successfuly start.
Let me know if you decide to do a re-write or have any questions,
Heather xxx