z

Young Writers Society


12+

One Way Out- Chapter Four

by 90skids


All of a sudden, what had happened began to sink in, infiltrating every fibre of her being, sowing fear and doubt into her tumultuous mind. It had been alright when they were racing through the streets but now that she was sat in a cell with nothing to do but think about what had happened…

She hadn’t killed anybody. She didn’t even know who was dead. The only reason the police wanted to talk to her was because she had been on the motorbike with Edward. But he hadn’t killed anybody either, had he? She still couldn’t remember what had happened at the party. All she could remember was drinking cocktails and laughing a lot. There had been drugs, she knew that. When she remembered the drugs, her eyes widened and she looked down at her skirt in alarm. The white powder was still there. Groaning, she sank to the floor and buried her head in her hands. They’d know what it was. They weren’t stupid. She was going to go to prison. That was as long as her mother didn’t murder her first.

Without warning, the sound of someone unlocking the door echoed around the small cell, filling her with fear. The door was flung open and a policeman walked in. She clenched her fists in an attempt to stop her hands from shaking.

“Miss Abbot,” he said as she clambered to her feet, “we’d like to ask you a few questions.”

She nodded and followed him out of the cell. It was only questions. They weren’t accusing her of anything. She hadn’t done anything wrong.

The policeman led her down the corridor and opened the door to a small room where a policeman and a policewoman were sat at a small table. They all looked up when the door opened. Rachel closed her eyes momentarily as the policeman showed her to a seat opposite the policemen. Once she had sat down, the policewoman leant forwards.

“We just want to ask you a few questions, okay?” she said, her honey-blonde hair shining as she leant into the light. Rachel nodded.

“Do you know this man?” the policeman asked, sliding a picture of a twenty-something man with jet black hair and bright blue eyes. His icy eyes appeared to stare straight through her and she looked away.

“No.” she said, her voice shaking slightly.

“Are you sure?” the policeman asked, leaning forwards so that the bottom of his tie brushed against the wooden table.

She nodded. “I’m certain.” She said firmly.

He sighed. “What about this man?” he asked, pushing another picture towards her. She looked down and her eyes widened as she saw the haughty face of Edward Huntington-Stafford.

She looked up. “Yes.” She muttered.

“When did you meet him?” the policewoman asked, pulling the laminated picture towards her.

“Yesterday, I think,” Rachel muttered, trying to work out how long ago her first interview had been, “I met him after my first interview.”

The policewoman narrowed her grey eyes. “Do you know who he is?”

“Edward Huntington-Stafford,” Rachel said confidently, “he’s studying at Oriel.”

“Do you know what he does?” the policewoman asked, surveying Rachel through slit-like eyes.

Rachel shook her head. “No,” she said, “I only just met him.”

“And yet you were caught fleeing on his motorbike?” the policewoman asked sharply, staring at Rachel incredulously.

Rachel shrugged her shoulders. “He woke me up and said the police were coming,” she said, her voice faltering, “I didn’t know what to do so-so I followed him outside…”

Her voice faded away and she rested her head in her hands, “I haven’t done anything,” she said, her voice muffled by her hands, “I don’t even know why I’m here.”

The policewoman snorted and opened her mouth but before she could speak, the man laid a warning hand on her arm. He nodded and she closed her mouth, leaning back into the shadows and folding her arms.

“Rachel,” the man said kindly, “were you at a party last night?”

She nodded. “Yes,” she said, “I went with Edward. He said it would make me change my mind about going to Oxford…”

“Do you know what happened at the party?” he asked, leaning forwards and smiling at her.

She shook her head frantically. “I had some drinks,” she said quietly, racking her brains desperately, “but when I woke up I couldn’t remember anything.”

“Nothing?” he asked, “Nothing at all?”

Her eyebrows knitted together and she closed her eyes. “We went upstairs,” she said, “there was a games room up there, I think. They had a cocktail bar…I had some cocktails. I’m sorry but I really can’t remember anything.”

“Does the name David Parkinson mean anything to you?” the policeman asked, scanning her face for a reaction.

She shook her head. “I’ve never heard of him,” she said, pointing to the picture of the black-haired boy, “is that him?”

The policeman looked at the woman, who nodded. “Yes it is,” he said, “and he’s dead. Do you know anything about that?”

She screwed up her eyes. “There was a boy,” she said as the memory came flooding back, “as we were leaving. He was lying face down…he had black hair…”

The policewoman leant forwards, her eyes eager, “Where was he lying?” she asked, her voice hard.

Rachel’s hands shook. “At the end of the corridor,” she said quietly, “in a pool of sick.”

“Do you know who called the ambulance?” the policeman asked.

“No,” she said, “I thought he’d passed out.”

“Why did you think that?” the policewoman asked quickly.

“Because he wasn’t moving…” Rachel said, her face white, “…I thought he had just drunk too much or something.”

“Did you see him drinking?”

“No,” Rachel said, “there were a lot of people there. I didn’t see him.”

The policeman turned to the woman. “I think we’re done here,” he said, nodding at Rachel, “she doesn’t know anything.”

The policewoman nodded her agreement. “Someone will drop you off at your room.” She said, nodding at Rachel.

A sickening scraping sound filled the small room, causing Rachel’s stomach to churn; the policewoman had got up, shoving her chair behind her. She crossed the small floor space and opened the door, ushering Rachel out.

“I’ll drop you off.” She said, smiling up at Rachel.

“That’d be great.” Rachel said, forcing her face to smile back.

The policewoman smiled back and ushered Rachel into the foyer and out of the door. She pointed to a sleek black car.

“I see no reason to attract unwanted attention,” she said, “do you?”

Rachel shook her head; the last thing she needed now was for her mother to find out that she’d been questioned by the police. The policewoman drew a pair of silver keys out of her pocket and unlocked the car before walking around to open the passenger door for Rachel.

Several minutes after, they were speeding along a road towards the dorm where Rachel was supposed to be staying.

“Do you know who Edward is?” the policewoman asked after a while.

“What d’you mean?” Rachel asked quickly, her confidence flooding back now that they had left the police station.

“Here.” She said, passing a folded piece of paper to Rachel.

Rachel stared at the piece of paper for a few moments before taking it from the policewoman’s perfectly manicured hand. She unfolded the paper and stared at the printed words that were etched on the sheet of paper.

Rachel Abbott

Nash’s bakery in the covered market at 2pm today. Be there and all will be revealed.

Rachel turned to look at the woman. She bobbed her blonde head up and down once before the car began to slow down.

“We’re here,” she said before pointing to the piece of paper and adding, “Destroy that.”

Rachel nodded and got out of the car and began walking to her room where she planned to go to sleep for a couple of hours before making her way into town for a visit to a bakery. She didn’t know why she was planning on going but she knew that she had to find out more. She had just spent several hours in a police station and she wanted answers. She wanted to know who had killed David Parkinson or at least how he had died.

As she sat down on her bed, she glanced at the skirt of her dress. There was white powder on it. The police had to have noticed it. They were used to handling drugs charges, weren’t they? They could probably spot cocaine at a hundred paces and yet they’d ignored the white powder on her skirt.

She shrugged her shoulders and lay down, curling up and falling asleep in the hope that when she woke up, all of her problems would be miraculously solved.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1634 Reviews


Points: 67548
Reviews: 1634

Donate
Wed Dec 31, 2014 11:43 am
View Likes
Deanie wrote a review...



Hey 90skid!

I haven't seen you around lately so I hope you are doing well! I will still review for you nonetheless and hope you come back soon.

This chapter was very good ^^ I think you were did a good job of the police interrogation and I like that Rebecca tried her best to stay consistent and simply tell the truth. That was honestly the only thing she could do because well, if she lied she might get into even more trouble with her mother and the university. It mustn't be too good for the interview and her impression on the people if she is going to be arrested. Oh, and I though it was interesting to see the outcome with the drugs. Because the police didn't mention it I thought I would have to as a critique in the review but you reasoned it out pretty well. Also, I think you did a good job overall. It was a breeze to read.

I found it surprising that when she returned to her room she didn't give a thought to her dear Edward at all. Yes, they did question her about him but she never once thought if he was alright or not, or how he was doing in his own interrogation. If I had arrived home and wasn't too tired, pretty much the first thing I would do would be to go and search to see if Edward was back yet. She might've even asked the police about him and how he was doing as well. I am curious now, and I think that might be something to add in there as well.

Another thing that this chapter could use a bit more of is emotion here. Yes, Rachel does say that she is nervous, but when it comes to the interrogation we really can't see that. What little nervous ticks is she doing to reveal that? Biting her lip, fiddling with her fingers, her voice wobbling slightly. You might even have her eyes darting between the two officers. She may be innocent but she should be a bit worried because the officers don't know that yet. And that is enough to have any person in pieces. So I would've liked to have a bit more on her emotion here and how she is feeling about everything that is happening to her.

It had been alright when they were racing through the streets but now that she was sat in a cell with nothing to do but think about what had happened…


I felt like the drifting off didn't really word too well in this sentence. I would've much preferred if you continued the sentence or her line of thought instead of cutting it off. Just a small suggestion. Another thing is that as I was reading this I didn't even know she was in a cell until you said the word 'cell'. It was the only thing that told me where she was, really. I think you need to work on the description of the cell a bit more. What's in it, and how does she feel about being in it. Is she worried the police will accuse her of being guilty and then she will have to live the rest of her days in a dark and dirty cell like the one she is in now? If you managed to weave the setting description to her thoughts, then it would be brilliant. ^^

Also, when she is in there thinking about what the police might do, I think she should also realise how suspicious she appears. I mean, running from the police without knowing what happened for no good reason? Doesn't make sense... Thinking of that, surely the police would ask her why she was running away from them if she was innocent and didn't even know that someone died?

They had a cocktail bar…I had some cocktails.


I think this was the only case throughout the whole chapter, but it is there again... That needed space after the ellipsis. But aside from that. This was a good chapter. I wonder what will be said at this meeting, and what they want with Rachel. I feel like there may be more to Edward than he says there is...

Image

Deanie x




90skids says...


thank you :) I hope you had a good Christmas



User avatar
401 Reviews


Points: 1658
Reviews: 401

Donate
Tue Nov 18, 2014 3:04 pm
View Likes
ThereseCricket wrote a review...



Hi! Cricket here for a review!

What I really liked about this piece, overall, was the way everything flowed so well into each other. Not exactly sentence structure or anything like that, but how the events took place. There wasn't any real dramatic jarring about of everything, but it all flowed smoothly into the other not feeling rushed or anything. Was a true pleasure to read, really.

I'm sorry that I won't be able to comment on story line as I found this in literary and the title was so interesting that I decided to read and then review, and as I haven't read any of the other chapters, I'd most likely mess something up so I'll do my best to just talk about grammar, messed up phrases, and so on. I'll try and brush up on some main points, that should help improve the grammar aspect of this. Hope it's helpful to you.

“Yes.” She muttered.


This is one of the big things that I found in this piece. I wasn't sure at first if you had this right or not, but I'm fairly sure it's just a mess-up for now. But I'll go into anyway, just to be certain.

When you're going into a dialogue tag, it doesn't matter what form of a tag it is, you always have a comma. Never a period. So after the Yes you would have a comma. And since it wouldn't be the beginning of a new sentence, she wouldn't be capitalized! :D In order for this to make full sense I'd suggest reading this article here] thoroughly. It was written by Demeter and is full of excellent information on dialogue punctuation. Straightens every little problem you may have ever had with this.


down…he had black hair…”


One other little horrible rule in grammar, is to have a space after an ellipsis. So for example, after he you would have a space. Make sense? ^ ^

“Where was he lying?”


Lying is present tense, and since you're talking using past tense, it would be laying. xD

Right, and now I'm curious as to how the police didn't notice the drugs. Like she said, they could spot it a hundred paces away and yet they don't see it on her skirt. Makes the entire business a bit fishy to my mind, and I think also to this MC of yours as well. I'm almost slightly inclined to believe that either the police truly didn't see it, or they are messing with her. Trying to get her in the future to confess to it, or catch her and a bunch of others in the act of doing something. Is very curious. I'll be looking forward to the next chapter, actually.

Apart from what I previously mentioned I think you have this pretty well down. Gravity has graciously grabbed all my nitpicks (*glares*) so I think I'm done for now. I would, though, like to be informed of when the next chapter is put out. Sooo, like a comment on my wall or a PM please? :D

Keep writing!

~Cricket




90skids says...


thank you so much for reviewing it :)



User avatar
271 Reviews


Points: 414
Reviews: 271

Donate
Mon Nov 17, 2014 1:53 pm
View Likes
Gravity wrote a review...



Hey, Gravity here for a review!
So I've been trying to help clean out the green room, and the main things that need to be reviewed are novel chapters. I have not read the rest of your novel so I can't comment on plot structure or anything like that. Please also keep in mind that I'm reviewing as I read, so the things I enjoyed and the things that need to be fixed will come and go sporadically.

Now, on to the review!

All of a sudden, what had happened began to sink in, infiltrating every fibre of her being, sowing fear and doubt into her tumultuous mind.


You use so many commas in this sentence, I think it would benefit you to split it up into something like this:

"All of a sudden, what had happened began to sink in. It infiltrated every fibre of her being, sowing fear and doubt into her tumultuous mind."

It had been alright when they were racing through the streets but now that she was sat in a cell with nothing to do but think about what had happened…


This sentence doesn't make much sense. You should try some punctuation. "It had been alright when they were racing through the streets, but now she was sat in a cell with nothing to do but think about what had happened." And also, take out "that".

The policeman led her down the corridor and opened the door to a small room where a policeman and a policewoman were sat at a small table. They all looked up when the door opened. Rachel closed her eyes momentarily as the policeman showed her to a seat opposite the policemen.


You repeat the word "police" too often. Try referring to them as cops or as something different. Or maybe instead of telling us who they were, show us. Describe their uniforms or maybe have her look afraid of their guns. Something like that.

“and he’s dead. Do you know anything about that?”


I like the interrogation part. I'm not sure why, but I do.

Several minutes after, they were speeding along a road towards the dorm where Rachel was supposed to be staying.

“Do you know who Edward is?” the policewoman asked after a while.
You keep saying policewoman. It's really repetitive. most police officers would introduce themselves or wear some kind of identification. Give her a name, "Officer...."

Rachel stared at the piece of paper for a few moments before taking it from the policewoman’s perfectly manicured hand. She unfolded the paper and stared at the printed words that were etched on the sheet of paper.

Rachel Abbott

Nash’s bakery in the covered market at 2pm today. Be there and all will be revealed.


This is a little cliche. And why would the cop pass this on to Rachel? Is the note from Edward? I really think you should specify and take out the "all will be revealed" part.

She didn’t know why she was planning on going but she knew that she had to find out more.


You need a comma between "but" and "going"

As she sat down on her bed, she glanced at the skirt of her dress. There was white powder on it.


You've said this before. Almost exactly, in fact. Instead you should say something like "She glanced down again at the white powder on the skirt of her dress."

Other than that, I liked this chapter. I usually hate crime drama and stuff like that but I thought this chapter was really interesting. You had a few grammatical, punctuation and sentence structure errors but other than that, you did a good job. So, happy writing.

XOXO,
Gravity




90skids says...


thank you for reviewing :)




Pain is filtered in a poem so that it becomes finally, in the end, pleasure.
— Mark Strand