Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

The trees swayed harmoniously in the channeled wind that crept around them, their shadows dancing lightly on the grass from the lanterns set around the large perimeter of the lake. A lone woman stood stationary, quietly inches above the water. The cloak hiding her face drooped so that the very tip was soaked in the crystal clear river. Around her was a thick layer of ice that had frozen over her illuminating her pale skin and silver hair.

Several men had gathered the lake and were throwing rope over the large imprisoned woman, so that it sunk lower into the river. One man was newer than the rest and was being teased by the older group.

Ooooh well this is quite the scene to start off with, especially since you've nicely dropped us right into the middle of this with no context as to who exactly is supposed to be the "bad guys" in this scene which means we have to try and pick a side. It adds on nicely to the sheer mystery of the scene to see this woman frozen in this manner being lowered into a lake in what seems like a way that shouldn't be nearly as complicated as it is. It makes for a very powerful moment here and as a reader it instantly makes you curious as to what could be going on here.

“So, do you miss your mommy?” one of them asked, ruffling the rookie’s dark brown hair that usually hung in his face. The draftee pushed him away, irrated, and looked for something to throw at him. Nearby was a large but easy to lift rock, so he quickly let go of the rope which slid off the ice right into the man on the other end. The draftee looked up and quickly picked the rock up and chucked it at the man who had teased him, but the man dodged it right into another worker. The iceberg, however, couldn’t dodge and the rock slammed right into it cracking the ice. The woman inside began to sink and the whole iceberg was completely submerged in a matter of seconds sending waves lapping at the rookie’s feet.

“You broke it, brainless. What if that brute comes back?”

“Are you crazy? There’s no way she’s alive.” The draftee said watching as the last tip of ice became invisible beneath the dark waters of Lake Meth.

Okayy well that slight teasing comment certainly makes matters that much more mysterious as we witness whatever is going on here end up complete. Its a very neat piece to start things off I think. There's just enough hints tossed out that things are too vague, but I love how little we're given as far as context is concerned adding quite nicely to the mystery and the ever so slight hint at a cliffhanger at the end completes this piece quite nicely I think to make a wonderful opening piece here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

The trees swayed harmoniously in the channeled wind that crept around them, their shadows dancing lightly on the grass from the lanterns set around the large perimeter of the lake.

There seems to be quite a lot packed into this sentence. I would suggest something like this: 'The trees swayed harmoniously in the channeled wind that crept around them. Case by the lanterns set around the large perimeter of the lake, their shadows danced lightly on the grass.'

A lone woman stood stationary, quietly inches above the water. The cloak hiding her face drooped so that the very tip was soaked in the crystal clear river. Around her was a thick layer of ice that had frozen over her,[comma here] illuminating her pale skin and silver hair.

You say 'stood', but she's frozen so she's not really standing. It could work, but I found the first sentence a bit odd to read. I might replace quietly by 'merely' or something like that.

Several men had gathered around[I think you need to add this in] the lake and were throwing rope over the large imprisoned woman [Is it that she's large, or that the bloc of ice around her is large?], so that it sunk lower into the river. One man was newer than the rest and was being teased by the older group.

“So, do you miss your mommy?” one of them asked, ruffling the rookie’s dark brown hair that usually hung in his face. The draftee pushed him away, irritated, and looked for something to throw at him. Nearby was a large but easy to lift rock, so he quickly let go of the rope which slid off the ice right into the man on the other end. The draftee looked up and quickly picked the rock up and chucked it at the man who had teased him, but the man dodged it right into another worker.[He dodged into another worker? Or he dodged towards another worker? or just he dodged to the side?] The iceberg, however, couldn’t dodge and the rock slammed right into it cracking the ice. The woman inside began to sink and the whole iceberg was completely submerged in a matter of seconds sending waves lapping at the rookie’s feet.
“You broke it, brainless. What if that brute comes back?”
“Are you crazy? There’s no way she’s alive,[comma here]” the draftee said watching as the last tip of ice became invisible beneath the dark waters of Lake Meth.

This was short, but interesting. I think in some places you overdescribed a little, trying to pack a lot into on sentence and as a result making it less smooth to read. Otherwise, though, this is pretty good. Though since it's so short I can't give you a real opinion of the plot or characters, but I might suggest you add a bit more descrption of how the characters (men working) are feeling. We have no idea who the girl is, or what she's done, or why she's in ice, or what they are doing. It seems this is something they do often, since you say the boy is 'newer', but what is he newer to? Clearing that up (without an info-dump) might be a good idea. If you'd like to try I'd suggest going through the new boys feelings, showing readers his thoughts on his new job and at the same time educating readers on the context.

Just some suggestions. Otherwise, this is nice. Keep up the good work!

^_^ Keek!

Hi cookies! I got your PM, and here I am reading your story again! =D(although it is just the prologue, I still like it!) Some of what I want to say, nixonblitzen have already said, but there are few other things that I want to point out:

82manycookies wrote: Several men had surrounded the river and were throwing rope over the large imprisoned woman, so that it sunk lower into the river.

2 things:
1.How can you "surround" a river? Maybe you can try "gathered on the banks of the river"? =)
2."... rope over the large imprisoned woman, so that it sunk lower into the river." soo...the rope over the large imprisioned woman, so that it sunk...what? What is "it"? You mean she sunk? You could say: "the large ice cube with the woman inside" or just "the ice cube" or maybe in better words, "ice coffin"? That would make it sound better and less confusion. Oh and "imprisioned" should be "imprisoned"

82manycookies wrote:“So do you miss your mommy?” One of them asked, ruffling the rookie’s hair. The rookie pushed him away and looked for something to throw at him.

You can put in the feeling of the rookie here, like "Annoyed by that,the rookie pushed him away and looked for something to throw at him." Or maybe angry, irritated, etc. That would give the reader more understanding of what going on because 2 sentences now are more related. Also, some people wont be bother by that kind of teasing, so you should specified what that new guy feels at the time.

82manycookies wrote:Nearby was a large rock that was easy to lift so the rookie let go the rope that slid off the ice right into the man on the other end. The rookie looked up and quickly chucked the rock at the man who had teased him, but he dodged it. The ice float couldn’t and the rock was forced right into it cracking the ice.

A whole series of actions here hmm? =) Well let me see...
1. "Nearby was a large rock that was easy to lift..." sound uncomfortable to me, you can consider: "Nearby was a large, but easy to lift rock..."

2."...the rookie let go the rope that slid off the ice right into the man on the other end."
I would have write it like this: "...the rookie let go of the rope, made it slid off the ice and flew right ino the man on the other end." But it is your story, write it however you like, just take my sentence as a reference. =)

3."The rookie looked up and quickly chucked the rock at the man who had teased him, but he dodged it." Ok, there is no connection here, when did that rookie guy took the rock? You just said that he let go of the rope in the previous sentence, but nothing mention about him even touching the rock at all.
Consider:"The rookie looked back , then lifted the large rock up and chucked it at the man who was teasing him, but the other man dodge it." or something like that...I don't feel my sentence is good anyway.

4. "The ice float couldn’t and the rock was forced right into it cracking the ice." Well, I think it would sound better like this, with transition to give it more connection: "The iceberg, however, couldn't dodge, and so the rock slammed right into it, cracking the ice." Oh and I used "ice berg" because I just dont like to use "ice float", it remind me of icecream,(float is the name of a drink with ice cream floating on it by the way)so I dont think it fits with the mood. But again, this is your story, write it however you like, these are just suggestions. =)

Waiting to read more!

P.s: Thanks for reading my story too!

Edit: I forgot one small thing!

“Are you crazy? There’s no way she’s alive.”

It should be "no way she's still alive"
Reading the next part now...

Hi, 82manycookies. Cute username! Don't forget the 2:1 YWS policy - 2 reviews for every 1 story/poem/etc. you post.

The trees swayed harmoniously in the channeled wind that crept around them, dancing lightly on the grass.

How are the trees dancing on the grass? Are their limbs so long that they brush the grass? Or do you mean their shadows dance on the grass?

Her cloak hiding her face drooped so that the very tip was soaked in the crystal clear river.

I think this sentence would sound better if you began it, "The cloak that hid her face..."

“So do you miss your mommy?” One of them asked, ruffling the rookie’s hair.

You need a comma after "so". Don't capitalize the "o" in "one".

I think you use the word "rookie" too many times in the third paragraph. Maybe you could use a synonym?

Overall, this is pretty short, and I don't really know what's going on. Most of what you've got here is technical stuff: trying to explain to the reader what this woman and ice and rope look like and how the situation is configured. I think your descriptions are kind of confusing. I have a hard time picturing what the set-up looks like.

Can't wait to read more!
-Rachel