PLEASE REVIEW AND COMMENT!!!!!
~Prologue~
Murder
It was dark out and the only things visible were the head lights of rapidly moving vehicles in the distance. The silent engine increasing dramatically in speed as the rider clamped her hand tightly on the acceleration of the motorcycle. The road she had been riding on wrapped itself around the jagged cliffs like a jungle river and flowed as such as the picking up wind pushed the gravel north. Suddenly the night sky lit up with a heated blast on the other side of the tall buildings, illuminating the young woman’s dark brown eyes. She swerved as a chunk of metal landed next to her, the sides of it piercing right through her boot, scrapping her leg and her tire.
“Shit,” she muttered through clenched teeth as the motorcycle’s tire began to deflate and blood began flowing out of the gash in her leg. Her short white hair, whipped her face as she drove faster down the narrow road. If she had sped up any more she could have been flying to her destination. Behind her were four other motorcycles that were advancing on her. They were from the adversary side of the war. They were the Wickeds.
The young woman looked behind her for a split second to see the motorcyclists were still following her.
Why do they need me? She asked herself, grinding her teeth as a surge of pain traveled through her leg. It was the open cut from the large piece of metal chunk that was hurting. It was bleeding uncontrollably running down the side of her boot darkening the already red material.
There was a loud bang as one of the motorcyclists aimed a gun and shot at the woman’s head. It flew past her hitting the metal on her tire spoke.
“Jerks!” she yelled wrathfully at them. She whipped her motorcycle around and began going the other way. Three of the other riders drove past her, except for the last one. Unaware that there had been four followers, she swerved to a fishtailing halt as the last motorcyclist came at her fast. The headlights turned on, blinding her. Her body was jolted vigorously as they collided throwing her hard to the ground.
~
The young woman woke up with her leg wrapped tightly. Blood leaked through the white cloth making her remember how much it hurt. She looked around realizing at once she was on top of an operating table. Her gun was all the way on the other side of the room.
“Hello Naomi,” the young woman looked up. A man had come into the room and was smiling callously at her.
“What do you want this time Cellos?” Naomi asked as she sat up.
“I want you to join us. You know how much power you can hold. We need it,”
“But you would just be using me. I know what you did to my sister. You threw her out into the dirt when you were through with her,”
“But I could make you a leader of this colony,” Naomi held up her hand inches away from his throat. His throat glowed a dark blue and he began to choke.
“Why can’t you get this through your damn head. I’m never going to join you traitors,” She growled, releasing her power grip. Cellos fell below the table gasping.
“Then I have no choice but to kill you,” Cellos held up his hand to her chest. A spark of green light flew from his hand and Naomi fell to the floor in a departed heap.
Chapter 1
Secrett
Secrett Seregreen sat next to her mother in the large meeting room. Her mother, the ruler of Craccia, kept glancing over at the empty seat worriedly next to her and then at Secrett.
Secrett hadn’t been in a council meeting in her life and hadn’t planned on it. She knew something was up when her mother had called her away from her job at the bar. The soulless stare she had implied told Secrett they had lost another warrior.
“Mom-”
“Shut up or they’ll cut your throat open right here. Let me do the talking.” Her mother hissed. Secrett looked around the vast room. Billowy purple drapes covered the windows so that the room was dark. The only thing lighting it was a small lantern in the middle of the oval table. A council member on the other side of the table stood up.
“Crystal Seregreen, I come to understand that you have yet lost another one of your warriors,” the councilman said lifting an eyebrow.
“Yes Sir, and I need to replace her quickly-”
“Who is it that has been killed,”
“Naomi Mei,” the councilman nodded slowly like a tortoise. Secrett glanced at her mother. She looked nervous as she fiddled with her hands.
“I see. Do you know where the body is?”
“It’s at the western camps, a scout found her in one of the Wicked’s territories.” Crystal said. She took in a deep breath and slowly let it out.
“I also come to understand that you want to replace her with your own daughter,”
“Yes,” Secrett nearly choked on her tongue that her mother had told her to hold. Crystal looked at her daughter and nodded in encouragement.
“And what makes you think she’ll be up to the job,”
“Sir, she has been training ever since she was a little girl.”
“I understand. Now if you will Ms. Seregreen,” Secrett got up and walked over to the councilman. She tried to hold her head high, but it was hard to meet the man’s cold colorless eyes. His robes draped over his body like skin, showing his boney feature. The councilman grabbed Secrett’s arm.
“Make a muscle,” Secrett did as she was told. “Very nice. Do you have powers?” Secrett nodded. “Answer me,”
“Yes Sir,” the councilman looked like a tree as he stretched out a long spindly limb of an arm and placed it over Secrett’s heart. He furrowed his brow and pulled out what looked like a blue flame.
“What have you done?” Secrett asked, terrified, grabbing at it. The council man slapped her hands away.
“This is half of your soul. This way you won’t be able to run away,” Secrett nodded. Her heart felt like it was burning, like it was too hard for it to part with its other half.
“Secrett Seregreen, you are now bound to the Craccian Empire. You will fight and you will try your best to bring down Azeroth’s Empire and keep the rest of the people safe.”
“Yes sir,” Crystal walked up and pulled her away. They exited the building sullenly.
“Are you okay?” Crystal asked nonchalantly.
“My chest really hurts.” Secrett said dragging in a ragged breath.
“You’ll be fine,”
“Mom-” Crystal stopped and churned around. She dragged Secrett into an alleyway and began talking in a hoarse whisper.
“Secrett I had to do it, but there’s one catch that he didn’t tell you. You must change your name when you’re in battle and you can’t call me your mother. You’re now a warrior. And another thing you may absolutely not have a family of your own,” Crystal wiped away a strand of Secrett’s wavy black hair from her stunned face. “Secrett things are going to be different now. People will actually try and kill you now. They aren’t fake anymore. And you’ll need to lie more than ever even if it hurts the other person. You can’t tell anyone got it.” Secrett nodded.
“We go by codenames, yours is Thunder,” Secrett nodded again.
“Thunder, you are nineteen now. You can handle yourself,” For the last time Secrett nodded before Crystal slapped her hands together and vanished.
Secrett slid down against the wall and began to weep. She hadn’t wanted this job.
“Thunder,” she croaked. “What kind of stupid name is that?” then again, she thought, it was my brother’s codename. She decided to like it and frowned. What had her mother meant by not being able to have a family? Who was she kidding, she knew perfectly why. It would have been too dangerous.
I have to be strong, she thought. Secrett wiped her tears away with her sleeve and got up.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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I liked it as soon as I read this! Some people would say it's a bit cliche but I think it works.
Wow, a bit rushed?
Anyhow, nice action you've got going here. It's not that suspenseful, I must admit, but still very good. You can do pretty much anything from this point and I can't wait to see where this leads.
Keep up the good work!
Thanks for the tips *Rubs back of neck* at fist i thought it was pretty harsh,
but that's okay...i have to deal with it i understand. anyway whenyou say World of War Craft, i'm thinking of my brothers video game. correct me if i'm wrong. The name Azeroth is from 20000names.com. There's this little button that gives you a list and i was looking for evil names at the moment. i skimmed through them and Azeroth seemed to jump out and say "USE ME!!!!"

Another thing is i've already written roughly fifty pages of this story. what i usually do is sketch it out and hen beef it up.
People always refer my things to final fantasy, World of Warcraft is a new one.
~Cookies
Hi 82manycookies,
This reads as if you wrote it in a hurry. The bones of the story sound like they could be fascinating, and there's plenty of potential for conflict here, but this is really a script rather than a story - a bare-bones, cliff-notes version that desperately needs expanding.
There's a lack of impact, emotional or physical. I feel like you really need to slow down here and think about the implications of what's going on. For example:
Your protagonist has absolutely no emotional reaction to being told she can never have a family. Really - she's not shocked? Upset? Bothered at all? She doesn't even wonder why?
She also has no emotional reaction to gaining a code name. That's like her symbolic other personality. What does it represent to her? What does it make her feel? Also, why Thunder - does this name have some significance to her?
This lack of emotion is making Secrett (not too keen on this name) come across as a flat character - I'm not sure she's even rounded enough for two dimensions at the moment. She needs to not only talk and act, but think and feel to be a fully realised character. What are her hopes, her dreams for the future? What does it mean to her to be "bound to the Craccian Empire"? Is she afraid, worried, apprehensive? What does she feel?
Overall, I feel like this needs much more depth and emotion.
Hope this helps.
Cheers,
Karsten
Hey there! I'm here to provide some nitpicks ^^.
"scraping"
The tire can bleed? :O *sarcasm* Divide this into two sentences, show more clearly that it is her leg that is bleeding. Describe the wound, perhaps?
no need for the comma here.
Love this! The name just sounds so cool. =D
You could have this in italics to show that it is a thought. Or in quotation marks.
Here's the description I wanted to see earlier, you could just move it up in the story.
He threw the gun at her? What a waste of a perfectly good weapon. . .
Was his throat glowing a dark blue? Be more specific.
I agree with previous reviewer. You should really revise your sentence length. It's hard to follow when you forget what was said in the beginning of the sentence before it has ended.
Was she breathing in as she spoke? :O That's quite difficult, and must have sounded funny.
You can do without the "almost"
Is this set in the World of Warcraft universe? I'm pretty sure this should be in /fanfiction if that is the case.
Repetition of the word "now" and missing commas after the first "Secrett" and after "anyone". You might want to add that Secrett nodded in response to what had just been said.
I'm quite intrigued. I'm definitely going to read more when I have the time. Keep it up, and look out to not make the sentences too long.
Hiya! Here as requested!
I think an overall review would help you here more than anything else.
Firstly, your sentence lengths. A rule of thumb I use to good effect is: the more panic you want to show, the shorter you make your sentences. Because your sentences at the beginning are so long, we don't really have anything dragging us into the plot. The hook of her running away from three bad guys is lost by how long each sentence is.
I don't really have a reason to empathize with your MC. We don't have her situation, why she's running, or any of her emotions (is she scared? Curious? Angry?). Spend some time and dip into her head a bit more, especially in the beginning before you give us any context of the story. We need a good hook and good emotional involvement with the MC to drag us through the beginning, especially when there's no explanation of the current situation. And I'm not saying to put that explanation in right away; I'm saying to get a hook and get us into the MC's head so we want to find out what's going on.
The dialogue you have here is a bit... extreme. Again, we're not given an explanation or an emotional background as to why. Looking at the end of chapter one, I'm guessing you don't want to explain yourself so early on in the work. That means you have to put in emotional involvement with the characters so there's a mystery, not just a string of facts. This thread is one you can look at for help on the character emotion front.
Overall, I found the lack of involvement with the MC to really hurt this work. The plot, under the long sentences, looks intriguing, but there's no reason for me to find out what happens next.
PM me with questions.
~Rosey
#400000 ">First I love you're signature! My cuz quotes Forrest Gump all the time! Okay back to the review thing, sorry I get destracted quiet often. I love this story! You're descriptions are amazing. I felt totally sad when Naomi died, the way you described her and her feelings I thought she was the MC. Then the main charater shows up and she is even better I already feel for her. Amazing job! If you have time when you post more please PM me. Thanks and great job
Keira