First post: As Time Passes By

As Time Passes By

Click, click, click, click...

A girl switchs the radio switch repeatedly on and off.

"An-to-ay-see-affi-Ah-ha-ha-ha..." The girl continues to play with the switch as she stares out of her dirty apartment window.

Cars pass by without a single glance up at the window. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7... The numbers continue to increase.

Her bored expression isn't anything new, nor is her obsession to 'click' the radio repeatedly. She often does these things to pass time, watch the window, click the radio, maybe snack on a pack of pocky or chips.

She has friends, but they never invite her anywhere interesting. When the opportunity to go out into the world comes, she passes it up and continues with her clicking. ... At least she has something to do...

"And today's whether forecast may include light showers and..." She lets the radio play. The girl gets up from her wooden chair, it's legs squeaking against the tile floor. She ignores it and moves towards the fridge. Upon opening it's door, she finds... Nothing.... Absolutely nothing in her refrigerator. The girl sighs lightly as she closes the door again and sits down in her original spot. The dirty window stares blankly at her, wishing to be cleaned. But the girl does not do so. She sits for several minutes longer before standing and grabbing a nearby coat. A dark blue coat to be exact, for it had begun raining.

The same girl is seen walking down the downtown streets of the gloomy city, looking for an in particular place. The girl grabs something from a shelf, and another, and another. She steps forward, towards a clerk, and puts her money on the counter. Then she leaves.

The girl's apartment door squeaks open as someone enters. A robber. The mysterious man searches the apartment, but finds nothing of his interest. Until he spots the radio, still on. So, he leaves quietly, back down the hall, passing a girl hooded in her dark blue coat, the radio in hand.

The girl opens her apartment door and finds nothing out of the ordinary. The fridge is still empty, until she places the newly bought food into it, and the chair is still in it's place. The girl sits again, the window is still dirty, but the radio is no longer playing. She reaches out to touch it, but finds that its not there. She can no longer 'click.' She sighs deeply and stares forward at the window once more. The girl is bored, her fingers twitching, eager to start clicking again.

As time passes by, she starts to tap her fingers lightly against the wooden table.

"Emily?" A voice is heard in the opposite direction of the window.

"Hm?" The voice steps closer and ruffles her hair. It moves on into the direction of the fridge.

"Oh, you bought food? I thought I told you not to go outside alone."

"Oh well." The girl continues her tapping.

"What happened to the radio?" the voice takes a place next o the girl.

"I don't know. When I came back it was gone."

"Really?"

"Yeah." The tapping continues to be heard, clouded eyes starring ahead.

"Daddy?"

"Yes?"

"What color is the sky today?"

The man rests his hand on her shoulder and starts to talk. "It's the color of your radio. It's black."

"Black?"

"Mhm..."

Comments & reviews · 4
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User avatar
Nara Roku Review

This is a lovely story but I can’t say much about it. I'm not one to criticize grammar and spelling for I have none of my own. It amazes me how I can pass English. Um I kind of don’t understand this but...I think the girls blind and yet she can do many things. It’s nicely written and all that but...maybe you should make it a little bit more realistic. At the refrigerator part maybe you can say something that hints towards her looking with her hands instead of her eyes. There are a few other things but that would make this post a little to long for my likening.

You still did a great job, keep on going!

I love this! Well done! Just work on your vocabulary! Using different words will help the peice! You have great potential! I 13-year old. Never would have thought. Keep writing. And Remember, practice makes perfect.

User avatar
Clo
Review
Clo wrote a review · Sun Aug 17, 2008 2:19 am

Welcome to YWS, Hikari! I hope you enjoy it here!

Site Rules: I would suggest checking out the rules for some juicy necessary tidbits. One of these is that members should post two reviews before posting their own works. This is most likely why you haven't had many reviews yet. Members should aim for a 2:1 review-to-post ratio. Reviewing is good for your own writing!

Helping hand nitpicks first

Click, click, click, click...

Get rid of the ellipses - I'm not a big fan of them. A period will suffice. I don't think ellipses here achieve the effect you desire.

A girl switchs the radio switch repeatedly on and off.

You use the same word twice in one sentence. That's something to be avoided - try changing the first "switches" to "flicks" or any word of your choice.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7... The numbers continue to increase

Write out the numbers.

She often does these things to pass time, watch the window, click the radio, maybe snack on a pack of pocky or chips.

Before the list, instead of a comma use a colon.

When the opportunity to go out into the world comes, she passes it up and continues with her clicking. ... At least she has something to do...

Get rid of the ellipses. They're very unnecessary.

The girl gets up from her wooden chair, it's legs squeaking against the tile floor.

Its, not "it's". In grammar, items don't possess things.

She ignores it and moves towards the fridge. Upon opening it's door, she finds... Nothing.... Absolutely nothing in her refrigerator.

Ditch the second ellipses, and "Upon opening its door, she finds... nothing." No capitalization, as it's still part of the same sentence.

The same girl is seen walking down the downtown streets of the gloomy city, looking for an in particular place. The girl grabs something from a shelf, and another, and another. She steps forward, towards a clerk, and puts her money on the counter. Then she leaves.

When did she enter a store? She's on the streets, and suddenly she's taking things down from a shelf we weren't ready to believe was there because we thought she was in a street. Mention the store.

Show and Tell
You tell us things, but never really show us. You need to show more details, imagery, descriptions of the place around her. It's much more entertaining for a reader to read descriptions of images that can unfold in their mind, rather than merely being told what a character is doing or how something is.

What's the Point?
I don't understand what the point of this story is. I know stories don't always need points, but you don't even exactly describe why the main character even wants to click or do what she does. It's all rather random and pointless. You need to develop the characters more, give them a history, a meaning, emotions, desires, and most importantly explanations for all these things.

I'm sorry if you see this as harsh - I'm just trying to be helpful, so you can improve your story upon editing. Every writer needs a little help. And every writer must edit. Even the best.

PM me if you have any questions, and I hope to see more from you.

~ Clo



If I see an American in real life or a kiwi in a blockbuster, it feels surreal and weird, and like a funny trip.
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi