My life has been changed forevermore
Starting at the moment when my mom let me go.
No clue where my dad is, only a vague knowledge of my mom
Both disappeared, seemingly forever.
Not knowing where to turn
I've been swept up with worry.
Depression has invaded.
I've been taken care of
But adoption can either be a burden, or a blessing,
I haven't decided which yet
I feel dead inside and
People tell me
there is no light in my eyes.
They say I'm a troubled child
But I just turn my back to them and think
"They don't know half of it."
I've seen my mom once, when I was very young
My dad, I suppose he might have passed
But nonetheless I still search
Hoping to one day find them
So as I search and search and search
I pray to God that one day
we will be reunited once again.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,801 Reviews
Hey, 5kKitty.
I feel like Clogs covered a lot of the poem, so I apologize if this is a bit of a repeat. I'm on mobile, so this may be a little short.
First, (this is a nitpick) I feel like the punctuation style is somewhat odd and all over the place. I'm curious to know why you chose this style? Second, I feel this could be a little bit more organized. Maybe making the poem a little longer? This should allow you to make a few stanzas with one subject, without suddenly jumping to another. Third, the poem feels a little plain. Maybe some more poetic devices? You can add a little more emotion, too.
Overall, good job. I really hope things get better soon. Take care!
~Moonwatcher
Hey there! clogs here to review!
Overall, I think there are two main things this poem is lacking: Organization and emotion. So let's start with organization.
You have a lot of good ideas here about your topic, but there's nothing to pull them together. As a result, the poem feels like it kind of jumps around a lot. I think one think that might help with this is organizing your lines into stanzas. That way, your different ideas can feel more separated, and you have room to fully explore the idea before jumping onto the next. YWS formatting can be difficult, so here's a lovely little Knowledge Base article on how to format poetry:
How to Format Poetry
Next, I'd like to talk about imagery and emotion. There were some instances where you did a good job of expressing emotion, but other times, lack of imagery held you back. For instance:
This just doesn't make me feel anything. I'm not empathizing. It's a generic phrase. Use of better imagery could help you convey this feeling in a much better way. It's hard to describe a feeling with words, but it's even harder to pull readers in and make them feel that feeling. Here's an article on imagery that I think you might find helpful:
Imagery
What I did like about this was that this poem was very specific to you and your experiences. It's relatable, but it's also your story and no one else's. You added details that give this poem a very personal feel, and I appreciate that. The next step is to convey your unique emotions better, which is where the imagery comes in. A lot of this is very straightforward- "I feel this, my parents are that, I've done this". Try to step back from telling your readers things so plainly and let the imagery work for you.
Imagery can also include use of poetic devices. While editing this, think about how you could express things in different ways. Is there an extended metaphor that could be used to describe the relationship between you and your biological parents? Is there a simile to use to describe how depression has invaded?
Overall, I think that editing this poem is a matter of doing two things with your ideas: Breathing life into them with imagery, and organizing them. This is a good start, and I'd love to see what you can do with it given some work. I hope this review was helpful, and if you're confused about anything, feel free to ask! Keep on writing!
Very evocative. I felt your pain with each passing line, as well as faint undertones of hope and promise beneath the obvious themes of despair and lost love. Well done
I like this
Trust in the Lord, Kitty. Just keep trusting God.
~Waffs
Some things I would recommend to make your poem better IF you are going for a better rythym try to get the words to match line for line a bit better, also the first stanza feels more like a sentence when put in comparison to the rest of the poem. I must say thlugh that your poem moved me and I pray that your wish comes true