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Young Writers Society



Chapter one- Once, on a Blue Moon

by 4evadreamin


“Gillian,” the star-gazer muttered, “let us see what’s in store for you then my dear.”

It was Gillian’s first ever encounter with a star-gazer, the one before her was unusually female. She was a very old woman, her tannned skin was stretched to a size much to big for her head. It hung loosely from her face, baggy and sagging. Blue beads glittlered around her wrists and neck like replicas of her small shiny eyes, which peered out at Gillian between the folds. She smiled, baring large yellow teeth, her smile made her look strangely menacing and made Gillian increasingly nervous.

“My name is Edith,” she announced, “You and I will be part of something together. You may not wish for it now...”

She eyed Gillian mischievously. Gillian got the feeling that Edith knew of her immediate dislike for the woman.

“But the time will come when you call on me on your own accord,” she finished. Gillian was speechless, how did this woman know that her mother had forced her into coming here? “I’ve had my eye on you Gillian; you are a vital piece to this puzzle. Now, would you care to have a seat?”

She smiled again. It made Gillian want to run. Instead she sat down next to Edith, who adjusted something on her own chair and it sprang back so that she was lying down. Edith seemed to be getting herself into a relaxed position. She gazed up at the night sky and took a deep breath, her shoulders shuddered and her eyes became glazed. As Gillian continued to watch Edith’s pupils began to get smaller and smaller, until they were barely visible, just pinpricks of black in the mass of her blue irises. Suddenly they started darting around with incredible speed. Her eyes, barely human now, were searching the night sky with a passionate ferocity. This continued for several long minutes, Gillian waited, not realising she was holding her breath. This woman’s words would decide the rest of her life. After an eternity Edith’s eyes quivered and stopped, but Gillian’s surprises weren’t over yet. Her pupils grew again, but they didn’t stop when they reached their normal size. Instead they continued to grow; they still didn’t stop growing after they had covered her irises. Slowly the blackness began taking over the white; until finally Edith’s eyes were nothing more than pure black shiny spheres.

Gillian gasped, reflected in the blackness were two identical clusters of stars in each of her eyes. It was almost as if the star-gazer herself was rushing towards the stars. The reflection of one star in particular got closer and closer until her eyes were forced to go through another change. The star suddenly became more than just a reflection, her eyes burned with a bright orange fire. As this change occurred Gillian felt naked, as if someone was clutching her soul and analysing every part of it. She tried with desperation to fight the intruder, although she had no idea how to do it.

Edith gripped the sides of her chair as she shook violently, slowly the orange fire faded and died and her shaking ceased. She clutched her heart and sucked deep shuddering gasps of air. Then she spoke the words that still echoed in Gillian’s ears, even after a decade had passed…

“You shall marry a star-gazer, a star-gazer of the present. You will be with him for all of your days. You shall have only one child, a son, named Guido. He will be a failure, in every way.”

Bisset closed his tired eye and thoughtfully scratched his grey whiskered chin. He lay back in his battered armchair and tipped his head upwards, silently pondering over what would be his next course of actions. The information he had gathered from his fellow star-gazer, Edith, was confusing to say the least. Alexander Bisset was a clever man, a good thinker, but this new puzzle had him utterly baffled. He sighed in frustration; carefully he removed the eye patch from his blind eye on the right and placed it over his left one, hoping that this would help him to concentrate. Slowly he sank into a state which was almost like meditation…

Three urgent knocks at the door of his cabin brought him back to earth with a start. He couldn’t see the impatient face at his window but he heard a very familiar voice.

“Come in, Linda,” he called.

“Bisset, I’ve just got ba - you should warn people when you’re like that, it looks gruesome. You could give someone a heart attack,” she said cheekily, sitting herself down in front of him. She was referring to his wound, an empty black eye socket without an eyelid; it was surrounded by deep bloody scars from where his eye ball had been torn out. When she had first met Bisset he had been reluctant to let her see it and had never removed his patch. After many years together he had gone to the other extreme, and often surprised her with it.

Bisset smiled and swapped his eye patch back over, he blinked his good eye a few times and Linda came into view. She looked tired and worn; her clothes were wet and dirty.

“What have you found out?” he asked.

“They’re about one days ride away,” she replied, “Did you get in touch with Edith?”

Star-gazers were able to communicate with each other no matter how far away they were; Bisset was able to find Edith’s star and ask her for advice. There were three different types of star gazers, Bisset could find someone’s star and see into their past, Edith was able to see the future. Other star gazers were able to see a person’s present feelings.

“Yes, it isn’t good. It isn’t good at all I’m afraid. In two day’s time they’ll find us, many of our men will be killed and the rest will be taken as slaves,” he said miserably. Linda was faced with a strong urge to cry but she fought it ferociously, “there’s something I just don’t understand. I asked her about you, she said that there’s no record of you in the rebels fate at all. I checked the stars too; you’re not in my past, Linda. Or any of the other rebels, it’s almost as if you only exist on earth and not in the sky. Edith got all excited and said that you were unwritten. Unwritten… surely that couldn’t mean that you’ve somehow managed to change your fate.”

“Yes,” Linda said distantly.

“Yes? Linda that’s absurd! People spend lifetimes trying to change their fate’s but the stars are always one step ahead,” he said passionately.

For the second time that night he was interrupted by an urgent knock. A young girl burst into the cabin.

“They’ve got him, Linda! They’ve got the King!” she cried.

“What? Where did they find him?” she asked urgently.

“Not far from here, he was riding alone without his army for some reason,” the girl said excitedly, “You’re not going to believe it Linda, he’s such a wimp. He’s blaming his wife! He reckons the Queen put him up to it!”

Linda raised her eyebrows. The King didn’t sound like much of a man, blaming his wife… They’d soon see for themselves.

“Oh, but Linda, and Mr. Bisset sir,” the child said, losing her excited tone and sounding slightly scared. She admired the beautiful widow but was also quite frightened of her. As for the one-eyed man, she had never heard him shout, but her father had told her to respect him.

“What is it?” Bisset asked.

“Don’t be mad. It’s just that they’ve knocked him around a little bit,” she said timidly.

“I’ll kill them. I’ll bloody kill them,” she stormed out of the cabin, Bisset close behind, and spotted a small group of men. They were sneering insults at a dark figure doubled over on the ground, groaning as they kicked spat upon him.

“What are you doing?” she shouted furiously, “how can you expect them to treat us with respect if we go around beating up their Royalty?”

“Linda calm down,” Bisset said calmly.

“Calm down? Bisset, they’ve been-“

“Linda! I would agree with you entirely if it hadn’t been for what I have just told you,” he interrupted. In the excitement of discovering the king, Linda had almost forgotten about his awful news. He was right; the leader of the army that would destroy them deserved no sympathy. As she approached the group, they moved aside for her, aware of the rage they had almost had aimed at them.

There was something oddly familiar about the man lying crippled on the ground. He was broad shouldered and looked strong and powerfully built beneath the beautifully crafted, gleaming armour he was wearing. He may have been handsome, but Linda couldn’t tell because his face was so purple and swollen. He wore an expression of utter bewilderment as he muttered to himself. “No… no, it can’t be. She’s dead, she’s gone.”

Somehow the battered man managed to get to his feet. As he looked at the woman before him, his mouth hung open. He stared deep into her eyes, deeper than anyone had done in a very long time.

Though his face was almost too bruised to be recognisable, Linda could see his eyes. Those eyes she knew so well, intense and sparkling blue. She had dreamed of them, she had hoped beyond hope that one day she would see them again. Yet there wasn’t any hope, not even a glimmer of it. The owner of the eyes had perished…

“Oy! Don’t you goggle at her like that!”

Normally Linda would have silenced the man who had spoken, but her mind was numb. Every part of her was frozen; frozen in part fear and part delight in what she was seeing. He reached out to touch her face…

“Don’t touch her you scumbag!”

Matthew Kirkham was in love with Linda Jade. Everyone knew that. He hated the way this enemy was looking at her and the way she way looking back. He drew back his fist as the King tried to touch her and hit him with the hardest blow he had ever given in his life.

“No!” Linda screamed, although not in her usual commanding voice. She sounded panicked and generally concerned for the man who had already received a lifetimes worth of battering that night. The King staggered and fell back to the ground. Quick as a flash Linda was there with him, down on her knees. She held his head in her arms and smoothed back his short dark hair.

“Eddie… Eddie is that really you?” she whispered, her voice shaking, “I’ve missed you so much…”

Matthew Kirkham was devastated. It was Eddie who had stood in the way of him and Linda for years. Linda was a widow; no matter what anyone said or did she wanted to always remain that way. She never wanted to be married again. Her Eddie was simply irreplaceable… It couldn’t be though, not the King surely…

“Eddie, I don’t understand… They said you were dead,” she said, tearfully.

“They said you were. That’s the only reason I married her. I didn’t even know her, the first time we met was at the altar. I would have searched for you Linda. I’d have never stopped searching if I thought you were alive.”

“Can you stand up?” Linda said, pulling him to his feet, “Would you give us some privacy?”

The rebels muttered amongst themselves.

"It couldn't be could it?"

“Linda, is that…?”

Linda ignored them. She took Eddie’s arm and helped him hobble towards her cabin. Her conversation with Bisset would simply have to wait.


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173 Reviews


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Sat Nov 05, 2005 1:00 am
J. Haux says...



“Yes? Linda that’s absurd! People spend lifetimes trying to change their fate’s but the stars are always one step ahead,” he said passionately.
fates

She sounded panicked and generally concerned for the man who had already received a lifetimes worth of battering that night.
Generally? I think you mean "genuinely". :?

“Can you stand up?” Linda said, pulling him to his feet, “Would you give us some privacy?”
period rather than comma. Trust me.

The rebels muttered amongst themselves.

"It couldn't be could it?"

“Linda, is that…?”

Linda ignored them. She took Eddie’s arm and helped him hobble towards her cabin. Her conversation with Bisset would simply have to wait.
Could you maybe cut out the dialogue? Also, where did Bisset go during all of this? Did he bring attention to their conversation at all during that time? Maybe you could say report or something rather... I don't know.

Overall, this is a big step up from the last draft. I'm very impressed. I love the added description. Your story is intriguing and original. I can't wait for more. Please post it on here.




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173 Reviews


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Fri Nov 04, 2005 11:41 pm
J. Haux wrote a review...



It was Gillian’s first ever encounter with a star-gazer, the one before her was unusually female.
Unusually female? What exactly do you mean by that?

I don't know who Gillian is. Is she related to the rebellion? I trust you to give more information later and bring her into the story. But, just so you know, you usually have your main characters at the beginning, the ones you want your reader to feel the most connection to. Gillian may or may not be the main MAIN character, but I didn't feel that I learned much about her personality, etc...more about Bisset than Gillian.

I love Bisset! That whole scene was much better. There was chemistry between the characters...Although there wasn't much reaction from Bisset when Linda recognized her love.

I'm going to point out a few specifics.

Bisset smiled and swapped his eye patch back over, he blinked his good eye a few times and Linda came into view. She looked tired and worn; her clothes were wet and dirty.
Like the first sentence. Second one...you could do more with description there, I think. What about her showed that she was tired? Show that she was tired and her clothes were stained, rather than tell. (I know you've heard that lecture before, so I'll not give it again :wink:)

Linda was faced with a strong urge to cry but she fought it ferociously, “there’s something I just don’t understand. I asked her about you, she said that there’s no record of you in the rebels fate at all. I checked the stars too; you’re not in my past, Linda."
Basset's still speaking, right? NO comma there. It's a separate sentence. (Did I spell separate wrong?)

“Not far from here, he was riding alone without his army for some reason,” the girl said excitedly, “You’re not going to believe it Linda, he’s such a wimp. He’s blaming his wife! He reckons the Queen put him up to it!”
Oki-doke. So, here's another little rule. Try this: " 'NOt far from here, he was riding alone without his army for some reason," the girl said excitedly. "You're not going to believe it, Linda. He's such a wimp! He's blaming his wife...' " Did you notice the PERIOD after the dialogue?? When you've finished a sentence, then there is a period. If you separate one sentence in dialogue: "If you wouldn't mind," the man said, "could you move out of my way and out of my sight?"

I don't have time to finish...Be back later.




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Fri Nov 04, 2005 2:50 pm
FantasyTeen says...



Hey, good to see you on here, I've already reviewed this on writing.com but I thought that I would just put in a note that I really like this peice, it is really orignial.



FantasyTeen




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Tue Oct 18, 2005 11:59 pm
J. Haux says...



You've gone back and added description, I see. Very nice. There's just a few things I'll mention, later. But good job!





I see no reason to celebrate the random timing of natural events by eating poison and singing.
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