And she is a misty mountain
Covered in grey, forever smiling.
In the spotlight, starlight fountain,
She finds herself in the dark, dancing.
And the moon -- silver lighting.
And the way she keeps on smiling.
Eternal walk on opiate sidewalk --
Forever there or there's a way out?
But then she's just a memory.
A voice, though recently.
Was she the bullet that struck me In the past life we were in?
Now miles and times apart,
But as if she's been all along.
All the way back to the start,
She was just a girl in a blue uniform.
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hi there, Guilty Spark.
Keep writing!
TS here reviewing.
This will be the first review on this poem that actually offers critique, I think :')
I liked a fair few details of this poem. I liked:
"Now miles and times apart,"
"In the spotlight, starlight fountain."
But these were one-offs, and in my opinion it wasn't enough for me to actually get the poem. It's clear you put some actual consideration into this piece; I don't mean the writing, merely the ideas, and it does show throughout. It shows that you obviously had a person in mind when you wrote this, be it a fictional woman or a love-interest, if you have passion your writing will be better. It helps us get a better view at you as both a writer and a person. Always write with passion, even if you're writing about something like a hotdog, for example.
Your rhyming scheme was all over the shot; it confused me, dragged me out of the flow and beat the hell out of the perfectionist inside me. The flow is the most important part. If you don't have a rhyming scheme, you need to keep up some kind of rhythm. If you do though, you need to keep that rhyming scheme in SOME kind of pattern. This piece just didn't have that. It was random; some parts rhymed with others they shouldn't have, other parts didn't at all... It was just all over the place. I like your use of vocab, but it would have had much more of an impact with a better rhythm. Long words don't make a poem, flow and emotion make a poem.
Finally, some lines just do not make sense. Read over it, carefully, and you'll see this. They just don't make one bit of sense.
But you do have good ideas - bringing past lives in, comparing her to a bullet, etc. - and decent imagery - the mountain, fountain, etc. - and of course, an adequate vocabulary. You have a good base, now built upon that with at least some of the help I've attempted to give you
Yours in ink,
TheShauzer.
Hey!! Here to review!! XP
So, I really like the capitalization and grammar....no errors there. I see that you made every line begin with a capital.
Also, had you noticed that lines three and four from the top, that the lines begin a few spaces after the others? Was this intentional?
Anyway, the beginning really drew me in and so did the title. These are important factors to incorporate in any piece of writing!! Great job there! The end also was really great. It wrapped up the piece quite well.
I also looove the fact that it made sense and still flowed even though it didn't rhyme. Not all poetry writers can do this! Good job!!
So, I don't exactly get the topic but I get mostly what it is trying to say. I love it! Original!!!
Keep writing!!,
~Tiff
This is a really nicely crafted poem
I especially like the introducing lines
"And she is a misty mountain
Covered in grey, forever smiling. "
This has an beautiful image at heart. And it immediately grabbed my attention.
Despite it not being usual to begin a poem (or any type of literary work) with conjunctions such as "and" but it works really well here.
The atmosphere your poem creates is a beautiful melancholia and (I don't know why, but for me as well) a comfortable environment.
All in all this is a really good short poem and I like it very much.
Good work and keep it up
this is a great story im like the part ,And she is a misty mountain
Covered in grey, forever smiling.343GuiltySpark keep writing