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by 322sivart


Hi everyone! While looking through my work, I stumbled upon this poem i origionally wrote about a year ago a an attempt at writing a song in the style of John Lennon and Paul McCartney. I rewrote it, and as tongue-in-cheeck as it is, its half-decent, so here it goes.

If we were to talk a while
You'd be sure to know
That all I want is to see you smile
And for it not to show
That I think about you everywhere I go

People told me who you are
And you tell me who you'll be
You and I would go so far
I hope someday you'll see
That you mean just about everything to me

How could I ever convince you
That I am better than you ever could have thought I was?
And now through all this time I've missed you
I've twisted and turned and spat out all my pride and love because

When I think back on my sorrows
That are not too far away
I jsut hope that tomorrow
Won't be like yesterday
And for happiness and finding love I pray


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Sat Feb 19, 2011 2:02 am
lovethelifeulive wrote a review...



Hi!
I regrett not reading it sooner, it was wonderful and I enjoyed reading it!

If we were to talk a while
You'd be sure to know
That all I want is to see you smile
And for it not to show
That I think about you everywhere I go#008000 ">love this first paragraph, hooking from the start
People told me who you are
And you tell me who you'll be
You and I would go so far
I hope someday you'll see
That you mean just about everything to me#800080 ">awww, sweet
How could I ever convince you
That I am better than you ever could have thought I was?#FF4000 ">very nice
And now through all this time I've missed you
I've twisted and turned and spat out all my pride and love because
When I think back on my sorrowsThat are not too far away
I jsut #FF0080 ">j u s t hope that tomorrow
Won't be like yesterday
And for happiness and finding love I pray#4000BF ">love this last paragraph, brilliant and creative


It was perfect from the begining to the end. You did an amazing job and I loved every word!
Thanks for posting this lovely peice of work




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Sat Feb 12, 2011 10:09 pm
ShanS says...



It was so optimistic :)
My favourite part would be:

writerwithacause wrote:That all I want is to see you smile,

lovely




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Sat Feb 12, 2011 8:18 pm
writerwithacause wrote a review...



If we were to talk a while#FF0000 ">,
You'd be sure to know
That all I want is to see you smile#FF0000 ">,
And for it not to show
That I think about you everywhere I go#FF0000 ">.

People told me who you are
And you tell me who you'll be#FF0000 ">.
You and I would go so far#FF0000 ">,
I hope someday you'll see
That you mean just about everything to me#FF0000 ">.

How could I ever convince you
That I am better than you ever could have thought I was?
And now through all this time I've missed you
I've twisted and turned and spat out all my pride and love because

When I think back on my sorrows
That are not too far away#FF0000 ">,
I j#FF0000 ">ust hope that tomorrow
Won't be like yesterday#FF0000 ">.
And for happiness and finding love I pray


I came to think that in poetry, and other literary works in general, a good beginning and a strong ending is what matters in the end. They're the most important parts, I believe. And the most beautiful lines in your poem (from my point of view) are the first four lines, and the last two. I love the rhyme in the first stanza, as well as in the last one, it is catchy. :) I would be curious, if turned this into a song, how would it sound.




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Mon Feb 07, 2011 2:26 am
jujubean05 says...



I loved it... I sang it... and I loved loved loved loved it!!!! Keep writing!!!!!




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Sun Feb 06, 2011 8:08 pm
nicolerosebieber says...



it was okay. not very descriptive though.




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Sun Feb 06, 2011 9:11 am
ehte92 wrote a review...



If we were to talk a while#4000FF ">Good start
You'd be sure to know
That all I want is to see you smile
And for it not to show
That I think about you everywhere I go#4000FF ">My favorite paragraph

People told me who you are
And you tell me who you'll be
You and I would go so far
I hope someday you'll see
That you mean just about everything to me#4000FF ">Just about is not necessary over here.

How could I ever convince you
That I am better than you ever could have thought I was?#4000FF ">Too long.
And now through all this time I've missed you
I've twisted and turned and spat out all my pride and love because#4000FF ">Again a long line. Long lines make the rhythm bad. So try using shorter substitutes.

When I think back on my sorrows
That are not too far away
I jsut hope that tomorrow#4000FF ">I guess you meant just.
Won't be like yesterday
And for happiness and finding love I pray


I liked this piece a lot. You better post it under lyrics. And while submitted your work pay attention on the spelling mistakes.
Keep up the great work. :D




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Sun Feb 06, 2011 9:10 am
tinkembell wrote a review...



:) I really liked this. I agree with charcoalspacewolfman though; it does sound unfinnished. Oh and you might wanna get some punctuation in there too. Apart from that it was really good :P

322sivart wrote:Hi everyone! While looking through my work, I stumbled upon this poem i origionally wrote about a year ago a an attempt at writing a song in the style of John Lennon and Paul McCartney. I rewrote it, and as tongue-in-cheeck as it is, its half-decent, so here it goes.

If we were to talk a while
You'd be sure to know
That all I want is to see you smile
And for it not to show
That I think about you everywhere I go


that was my favourite part

keep up the songwriting :D

~ Tinkem




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Sun Feb 06, 2011 4:14 am
charcoalspacewolfman wrote a review...



Reading the first verse at least it kinda resembled a Jack Johnson song...maybe that was just the tune I was putting to it, though. Anyway, it was good. It doesn't sound finished, though. Do you have more? I don't normally read the lyrics, so this was interesting. It doesn't sound like the typical verse-chorus-verse-chorus thing and I think it works pretty well.





A poet is, before anything else, a person who is passionately in love with language.
— W.H. Auden