z
  • Home

Young Writers Society



Gone

by 322sivart


Every so often, she gave me a smile
and her blue-green eyes would
come alive and make me forget
about everything else

She was beautiful; living proof
That there is a God.
And I guess God loved me, because
She smiled at me every time our eyes met.

We talked every night, and as
close as we were for a time,
she was never in love with me,
the way I was with her.
And she was fine with it that way.

She never told me she wanted me to
kiss her, she never told me she
loved me; she just smiled.
And every time she did, I
caught my breath.

And then she was gone. She left
me waiting for her with the
memory. And maybe one day I'll see her
And she'll smile when we meet again

I know this is mediocre, but I really like it, so tear it up.
-Alex


Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
58 Reviews

Points: 1155
Reviews: 58

Donate
Thu Feb 24, 2011 6:38 pm
misstoria wrote a review...



Every so often, she gave me a smile
and her blue-green eyes would
come alive and make me forget
about everything else. #000080 "> Loved the beging stanza

She was beautiful; living proof
That there is a God. #000080 ">I Like it
And I guess God loved me, because
She smiled at me every time our eyes met.

We talked every night, and as
close as we were for a time,
she was never in love with me,
the way I was with her.
And she was fine with it that way . #000080 ">This line really doesn't fit

She never told me she wanted me to
kiss her, she never told me she
loved me; she just smiled.
And every time she did, I
caught my breath. #000080 ">Love the dramatic feel

And then she was gone. She left
me waiting for her with the
memory. And maybe one day I'll see her
And she'll smile when we meet again #000080 ">Loved this ending

#000080 ">I liked this poem. I really think the complications in this poem are quite realistic and nice. This was pretty good.




User avatar
504 Reviews

Points: 21355
Reviews: 504

Donate
Mon Feb 21, 2011 12:02 am
Kafkaescence wrote a review...



*tears up dramatically*

322sivart wrote:Every so often, she gave me a smile
and her blue-green eyes would
come alive and make me forget
about everything else #FF0000 ">Oh, so cliched.

She was beautiful; living proof
That there is a God. #FF0000 ">Whoa, over the top.
And I guess God loved me, because
She smiled at me every time our eyes met. #FF0000 ">Okay, I really don't think you even need this stanza. I didn't feel anything as I read through it, and there was no spectacular imagery, either.

We talked every night, and as
close as we were for a time, #FF0000 ">Okay, unnecessarily complicated grammar. Simplicity, simplicity.
she was never in love with me,
the way I was with her.
And she was fine with #FF0000 ">it that way that. #FF0000 ">What? This line is a bit out of place.

She never told me she wanted me to #FF0000 ">Again, unnecessarily complicated.
kiss her, she never told me she
loved me; she just smiled.
And every time she did, I
caught my breath.

And then she was gone. She left
me waiting for her with the
memory. And maybe one day I'll see her #FF0000 ">Memory? Of what? "Memory" by itself sounds odd.
And she'll smile when we meet again


Cool. Okay, the one thing I didn't really correct was the punctuation, which was kind of on-and-off. I'd go through it and make the changes yourself. Peace.

-Kafka




User avatar
14 Reviews

Points: 1014
Reviews: 14

Donate
Sun Feb 20, 2011 8:50 pm
jujubean05 wrote a review...



Every so often, she gave me a smile
and her blue-green eyes would
come alive and make me forget
about everything else (#00BFBF ">Try making me forget instead of and make)

She was beautiful; living proof
That there is a God.(#00BF80 ">no capital)
And I guess God loved me, because
She smiled at me every time our eyes met.(#00BF80 ">No 'and' and no capital S)

We talked every night, and as
close as we were for a time,
she was never in love with me,
the way I was with her.
And she was fine with it that way.

She never told me she wanted me to
kiss her, she never told me she
loved me; she just smiled. (#00BF80 ">Make that comma a semicolon to match the other)
And every time she did, I
caught my breath. (#00BF80 ">Try it caught my breath maybe or I had to catch my breath)

And then she was gone. She left (#00BF80 ">No and)
me waiting for her with the
memory. And maybe one day I'll see her
And she'll smile when we meet again (#00BF80 ">No and )


#00BF80 ">The only real problem I saw was you used and way too much. Other than that I loved it! Good Job! Keep Wriiting!!! :pirate3:




User avatar
254 Reviews

Points: 67823
Reviews: 254

Donate
Sun Feb 20, 2011 7:57 pm
ehte92 wrote a review...



Hello there Alex. Here i am as you wanted me to be. Why do you want us to tear it up if you really like it? I could not really understand this mixed emotion of yours. And it is not that bad that we need to tear it up. We all are good people here on YWS. ;)
Okay then here i go....

All she gave me was a smile.
Every so often her face would light up#4000FF ">It sounds good if you just use Every often
For me, and her blue-green eyes would
#4000FF ">come alive and make me forget
#4000FF ">about everything else#4000FF ">.

She was beautiful; living proof#4000FF ">a living proof
#4000FF ">that there was a God.#4000FF ">that there is a God. Buddy God is always there so no need for past tense over here.
And I guess God loved me, because
#4000FF ">she smiled at me almost every day.#4000FF ">It seems that you are unsure.
And that was it.#4000FF ">This line is inappropriate. Not needed.

We talked every night, and as
#4000FF ">close as we were#4000FF ">, for a time,
She was never captivated by me#4000FF ">captivated is a bit rude. Use something different.
The way I was by her.
And I guess she was fine with it that way.#4000FF ">Here again it seems that you have some kinda doubt.

She never told me she wanted me to
#4000FF ">kiss her, she never told me she
#4000FF ">loved me; she just smiled.
And every time she did, I could
Breathe again.#4000FF ">Better use: "I would live again."

And then she was gone. She left
#4000FF ">me waiting for her with the
Breath of Life; the memory.#4000FF ">Breath of Life??? eh??
And maybe one day I'll see her
#4000FF ">and she'll smile at the thought of meeting me again.#4000FF ">The line is too long.


I liked the total idea of the poem. And i loved how you executed it. And you need not capitalize all the first words of a line if not necessary. It is very important.
See. I did not have to tear it up. Do not underestimate your own work mate.
Keep writing. :)





If you have a Kuzco in your life and they don't turn into a llama, bail.
— Alan SeaWright