Published June 25, 2008
Somewhere in the sunshine
A little girl sits, waiting
And somewhere in the rain
A mother cries out, praying
Somewhere in the darkness
A father is crying
And somewhere in the light
A young boy is dying
Somewhere atop mountain
A woman sings a song
Somewhere up in Heaven
Her lover sings along
Somewhere there’s a rainbow
The daughter stares; eyes wide
Somewhere there’s the rain
Where her father hides his eyes
Somewhere on a canyon edge
A man considers losing it all
Somewhere on the Eastern Shore
A woman’s love saves him from the fall
Somewhere on the beach
A child wanders astray
And somewhere in the ocean
A stranger saves the day
Somewhere lost in memories
A lost soul still keeps hope
Somewhere on the bottle
The heartbreaker cannot cope
Somewhere in a grassy meadow
A smoker sucks in a breath
Because somewhere in a car crash
A loved one suffered death
Somewhere in the Arctic Region
A girl finds her solitude
Somewhere down in Florida
The friend finds it too
Somewhere in a bad neighborhood
A young woman chooses to leave
Somewhere underneath a bed
Her son does not want to believe
Somewhere up in Heaven
A grandmother’s been there a year
Somewhere here on Earth
The boy still sheds a tear
Somewhere in this life of ours
Someone wished for peace
Somewhere all around the world
Happiness was released
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141,293 Literary Works • 674,334 Reviews
Alright, so I changed a lot and made it all rhyme, and I edited some verses to make them clearer. I aslo added in a couple new stanzas which I like, but I'm wondering if now I have made it drag on too long......Suggestions please!
very nice.
i loved the repetition. i'm not entirely sure why, but i just did.
a few moments seemed un-flowy, or whatever you want to call it. they just seemed to break the flow that the rest of the piece beautifully possessed.
i realized that you only added in rhymes in a few places. i stopped reading when i came across the first one because i was just like, "wait? is that supposed to rhyme? did i miss other rhymes?" i don't know, it just sort of caught me off guard.
all in all, a wonderful job.
-GC10
Ehem, thank you for that- fun4eva.
Hello!
Well I thought this was awesome. For the most part. I loved it because the repetition didn't even bother me and you had some good, deep concepts raised throughout. The theme didn't slip once and your poetic voice was strong and had conviction.
However some places let you down. I think you should establish if you're going to have rhyming but not in every stanza, put it in for a reason in strategic points or else the flow is disturbed. It averted my attention once or twice away from the reading as I considered if it was the right place to put another rhyme. Apart from that, I think in places you tell a little- so try and maybe add some more thought out metaphors in to even that out.
Favourite bit?
All in all, 9/10 for me. That's very good. Well done.
Luck,
Eimear
hmm...nice one!